((CTL)) sorry it took me a while to reply... last week my world fell apart temporarily and now... a week later I'm back I hate leaving things neglected, I apologize!

I'm glad you have recognized and are working on your passive aggressive stuff. I think all people do this to some degree or another. I said to my T (in reference to her intentions with ME) that I assumed she did most things with the "best intentions" she laughed and said "NOT ALWAYS OUTSIDE OF HERE!!" LOL so... I think any honest person would say they do this sometimes.

I'm a decently blunt friend... it depends on where the relationship is and how close I am to the person and how vulnerable I'm feeling at a particular moment in time I've had 'that' talk with him. The... I don't have time to "read in" to everything you say. One thing I hate more than anything is "baiting". Saying a little bit of information trying to get the other person to ask more. If I ever think someone is doing that I will almost deliberately ignore what they are trying to get me to ask (unless I'm getting a sense it's a sensitive topic or something). I can tell the difference between someone being ambiguous because they are feeling overwhelmed versus being ambiguous to try to get me to ask question that... they could just go ahead and tell me.

I've definitely created a few seriously uncomfortable moments between us by just laying it out and I feel bad but ugh. One of the things that constantly comes up in my reviews @ work is how honest my feedback is and that it is delivered tactfully and received well. So I like to hope in my personal relationships when I lay a blunt comment on someone I do it in a way that is productive but sometimes I finally just say it out of sheer frustration and that... doesn't go well

Anyway, sorry to ramble. It is draining to be with people when they are feeling super sensitive and I do get resentful but so does the other person if you don't respond correctly, etc. It just sets up a tense dynamic sometimes. Letting him know what's on my mind has almost ALWAYS resulted in passive aggressiveness about it weeks later (and I'll just ignore it most of the time - if you've got a problem you need to tell me because I can not hear your brains) and then when it finally DOES get addressed then it's an even more huge mess where he is MORE hurt resulting in MORE passive aggression/baiting later.

I'm not really sure what the purpose of passive aggressiveness is... like... when I do something I don't like my Ts will say well... what is this getting you? I guess it's a way of letting out anger or avoiding confrontation while still venting? It might get the other person to open up first and interview you for your problem rather than you having to be vulnerable? It's probably a vulnerability thing.

Anyway, thanks for letting me chew on this. Still not sure what to do. Right now... I've been avoiding mostly because I'm stressed and when I'm stressed I just don't have time to be trying to interpret the 2nd, 3rd and 4th meanings of everything he says. I'm just.. not there w/ my sensitivity this week



So ANYWAY short answer to your question... no panning out yet. I can't really change him, I can only tell him what I don't like and then... draw my boundaries where I draw them

I know what you mean, Cat, and like CTL said, I was hoping to see some more responses. H engages in passive-aggressive behavior fairly often, and he pouts when I call him on it. Depending on the topic and the situation it is a big trigger for me as well. Unfortunately, "toning down or ending contact" isn't an option as we're trying to work through our own stuff... Although limiting contact is really tempting when he acts that way.
Any suggestions are welcome.

You asked about the purpose of passive aggression and what it means-this is a good explanation of what it is

http://www.cassiopaea.com/cass...nal_manipulation.htm

an even better explanation of its purpose/what it means

http://www.cassiopaea.com/cass..._sheeps_clothing.htm

If you dont feel like reading those, you'll have to take my word that it's about control and manipulation.

The fact that you are assertive and blunt implies you are not easily controlled. But that is exactly why it is soooo draining. You have to constantly dodge the manipulations being fired at you as he tries-with futility-to maintain or regain control. so the dynamics of your relationship might be characterized by his constant attempts to control against your parallel constant attempts to not be controlled. And since he is really rejection sensitive, a lot of it is probably trying to control potential rejection and disapproval (rather than control for the sake of power as many commonly, but erroneously, associate the concept of power with the word control, though that is true for some)

There's only so much you can do because this would be ingrained in his personality. maybe this will help give you ideas?

And im not saying he is a bad person for having a fault. My best friend is judgemental of depression. she says it is a choice and that people move on after getting over their childhood. i just avoid talking about mental health when around her. we are still best friends. i think relationships call for a lot of acceptance and understanding, patience. same as with our therapists. and i give you a lot of credit for continuing the relationship if you think its worth sustaining.

ive had to let go of more than a few many years ago because of the exhaustion, namely drama and other types of dysfunction. but they were really, really unhealthy and even damaging. ive had to exercise boundaries and limits, like with my mom.

Maybe you could work something out.

Ive been really affected by this type of behavior (from my Mom), so this is just my take on it.
Good luck!

HeartAndSoul,

Thanks for empathizing. I'm sorry your H is really passive-aggressive. Most of my mates haven't been like that... but in some ways. It is really hard to set boundaries when you LIVE with someone all the time. Maybe couples therapy or something would help? Who knows!! Thats the best suggestion I have - or directly talking to him about it and working together - you'll have to accept there he will say uncomfortable things about some of your behaviors too or... really seriously pout and it will blow up. It blows up w/ my friend too


xoxo,

Thank you for those links, I will take a look at them later. I really liked your explanation about control. I do not like or take well to being controlled... and do like to hold on for dear life to my own control and space. Thats not always good either.

And it may be a personality thing; I know you're not saying he's a bad person. I have my unattractive qualities too.

quote:

My best friend is judgemental of depression. she says it is a choice and that people move on after getting over their childhood.

Mine is too! She is very supportive that I'm going but her view is very much that therapy is for "other people" and I "just need to stop thinking about it and I'll get better sooner". I usually just talk about my progress, how things are better my past upsets her but at the same time she's very much a "move on" person. It's hard. So I empathize on that point.

I am still on the fence sometimes about the relationship. I've taken sort of a week and a half hiatus from him. He is so nice and personable in other ways; he's intelligent but... maybe this isn't such a petty thing to be hung up on.

Thanks for sharing your own stuff w/ this too, it helps!

Thanks, Cat, luckily it's not a constant thing, and when I think about his family's dynamics it's really obvious where he learned the behavior. We've been married almost 25 years, and at least now he's aware of the pattern even if that awareness doesn't always prevent it from occurring.
Most of the time I just see it for what it is and refuse to be dragged in, sometimes I call him on it, sometimes not. There are times I can't help but get sucked into the passive-aggressive-fight-for-control vortex, and as you know it can be very triggering, especially depending on what the topic/issue AND the underlying control issues are...
When you get a chance, look at the links xoxo posted. They are really good.

Xoxo, thanks for your input and the perspective based on your experience. The links are great, very informative. As far as dealing with H, I just try not to play the game and that works most of he time. But you are right, it's all about control and trying to manipulate a given situation... And it is draining.

Heart and Soul