Dealing with the pain of erotic transference

sMember

I am new to this forum and this is my first post. Hi everyone.

I am suffering in horrendous pain over the love...excuse me, erotic transference I feel for my T. I have been with her for 3 1/2 years. Always found her to be very beatiful, but in the last 6 months have really fallen off the deep end for her. And the killer is that she is happily married and holds all the professional boundaries.

I have talked about this with her. Cried about it with her for more than a dozen hours. The pain this causes me is worse than any of the original trauma from my childhood. Sure, I know it echoes that pain, but this is a new wound more painful than I can fathom. It is excruciating. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again knowing that I can never have who I really and truly want to spend my life with.

How do I deal with this? Her suggestion so far is to keep talking about it to 'work it through' (WTF does that mean?) I hurt so badly. Last week I went to a consult with a P and really amped up my anti-depressents. Great. Now I have to take A-d's to deal with the pain from my therapy?

I am ranting a bit, but if anyone has dealt with this, please let me know how you did it. My scenario is excruciating. At times, I just want to end it all to make the pain stop.

9/8/097:44 AM

❤️ 0

Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

ShrinkladyHead Shrink

Hi S, welcome to the forum and congrats on making your first post. It sounds like things are going a bit rough to say the least.

I encourage folks in a similar place, to take in the love they feel from their therapist (e.g. the caring attitude, the kind voice etc). Use it to fill you up and warm your heart not only during the session but in between. It is natural that you will feel pain for a time. I like to think of it as the heart opening up.

You may have already found these threads on transference but just in case you missed them, here's one: http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...181/m/2051048545/p/1

Best,
Shrinklady
P.S. There's also a long thread on myShrink: Dealing with transference

9/12/0910:40 PM

❤️ 0

sMember

Shrinklady,

Your post was intersting to me. Unfortunately, I can't do this. I don't feel love from her anymore. I know she is happily married and has not interest in pursuing anything more with me. I have her attention for 50-100 minutes per week. That does not feel like love to me.

All I feel is pain. Pain of desire and of unreturned love. It is almost too much to bear.

But thank you for your thoughtful response.

9/14/095:52 AM

❤️ 0

salaMember

I am fairly new to the site; have felt too self-conscious to put anything in writing - what if someone actually figures out they know me??
After spending so much time reading about the same things I experience in therapy, I finally felt it was time to put myself out there.

I can't help but admire the professionals, the good ones, who can weather our emotional storms with us without getting sucked under. I need someone who is not going to cave. I need someone who has boundaries that are securely in place, who will be there right beside me without his or her needs getting in the way..

I am totally in love with my T..He helps me process my feelings, doesn't make me feel ashamed, won't let me run away, assures me that what I am going through is not abnormal, tells me my feelings will change. And they do. Til the next crisis, and I have him up on the pedestal again. It's the whole attachment issue. There is that bond that develops over time that is inescapable; I found out that he wasn't going to reject me..I can tell him anything..he's a confidant that has stood in for my mother, my father, my husband, my fantasy whatever..he's not perfect and he will be the first to tell you. He makes himself available in between our weekly sessions if I am having a rough go of it. BUT, HE KEEPS TO HIS BOUNDARIES THAT WERE SET WHEN I FIRST STARTED IN THERAPY WITH HIM 2 1/2 YEARS AGO. If I thought that he would compromise for me, just because I declared my love for him, I wouldn't stay.

Just would be nice to have a clone of him take over my husband- then I could quit therapy!

RE: THE SAFE HUGS SOMEONE WAS WRITING ABOUT....I know my T didn't feel comfortable with my hugging him. I hug most people coming and going, so it was difficult to adjust to this, but I see now the point.

The last time I asked for a hug[I didn't for a year or more], he put a pillow between us. Don't know if that is what is considered a "safe hug" or not.

9/27/097:10 AM

❤️ 0