The past few months have been so stressful, and I haven't been on the boards much because I almost felt as if I was drowning in the ocean unable to keep myself above the water. I didn't forget about any of you and have checked in many times. BUT as I would begin to post, I'd think to myself--what do I know? I am the last person to give advice to these wonderful people when I must have done something so terribly wrong to lose my T(I've been taking the entire blame for things that happened). I am to blame because I wasn't good enough for her to want to stick around with me!
So, why would anyone else want me around?At times, I'd write a long response to one of you but only to delete it because I couldn't imagine giving someone advice as to what I thought was right, and then have it blow up in their face like the choices I have made have done to me. I can't imagine ever being the reason someone is in pain. So, I've been a little hesitant to express myself or my opinion. I still don't know what went wrong in my therapy. I have made contact with OldT a couple times to hopefully be met with some satisfactory answer but she refuses to even recognize my existence. She lied when she said she'd be there. She's gone (won't respond at all) and I just don't understand how she wont help me see this through. I feel like she could have given me closure in such a different way, but the way it's played out has only left me sitting here wondering the answers to questions that I will never be able to ask.
I am experiencing a new therapeutic relationship that is going well. I am timid and shy and at times paranoid about certain things I do--thinking that I will screw it all up again. The strangest thing has happened, though, the presence of the inner child has become so much more prominent with newT. She's such a maternal figure that the inner child is almost so excited to make an appearance and wrap her arms around this person. We are still learning to build trust in the relationship, and still are unsure of T's position on hugs. My inner child wants a hug SO freakin' bad, but at the same times there is this incredible fear that if I received any type of touch I will melt or DIE. Anyone else ever experience this? AND how did you handle it? I find myself holding back because I am afraid to be too much. I blame myself for being too much with old T and that's exactly why she left me. I freely expressed my emotions and it was too much for her to handle. What if NewT can't take all the sappy emotional stuff either??
I hope that I can get over the fear of the boards--and find the feeling that it's alright to be here again, and that I'm not unwanted. OldT wrecked my self perception.....and I've been questioning everything in my life. It's so horrible to be traumatized in such a way....by someone who was supposed to help me.
Anyways, I've missed you and I hope that you'll understand where I've been..Sending you all my best.
Sincerely, Brokes
