Well said Morgs.

Maybe, if anyone is thinking they want to deactivate your membership, maybe consider just laying dormant for a while. Delete the bookmark to the site, log off, and wander for a while. The place will always be here should you decide to return!

(((R2G))) thank you but I'm not intending to leave - I just wanted to encourage others NOT to leave!!!
s, Morgs

I'm having a really hard time with this right now. Trying to push through, but maybe another break is what I need. It just seems I've taken so many breaks and every time I come back and try to re-engage, I am more disconnected and feel like I cause more problems to others by being here than being gone. Not because I am a "special" sort of broken or a horrible person, but just out of some incompatibility with where I am and interacting in a group setting right now (it's showing up all over in my life, not just here).

Constantly having to make decisions about what to do or say, whether I am safe (from hurting/triggering others or them me in response), is overwhelming. These are boundaries I am just now learning to engage and hold in my one-on-one relationships, and with a lot of concerted effort. So, doing it in a public setting, where people might be emboldened by the relative anonymity of the internet, may just be more than I can handle at this point in my journey.

If I do go away for however long, it's not out of lack of care for anyone here. Wanting to keep the connections I've built here is what has kept me around the last few weeks I've been wanting to be invisible. It's just that I am constantly feeling that whatever I do is going to be "wrong" in some terrible way and that's really no way to live. It used to just keep me from reaching out for support, but now it has gotten hard even to give it. And that's no meant to be a judgment on the community or any individual, but it's a place I'm at...feeling silent and, when I push myself to try to interact and be understood, hugely unsafe. Again, a widespread problem I'm having in multiple areas of my life right now and I'm sorry for the parts of it have spilled over here. To be certain, in any relationship, there is a bit of risk of hurting and being hurt. It's just that I'm on such high alert that I can't seem to be objective about what is safe and what isn't and so everything feels massively threatening to me, when maybe it shouldn't be? Or maybe it should? I don't trust myself to know.

And now I feel like posting this is going to be like "Whatever, if you want to go, go. It's not a big deal to anyone else, so don't agonize over it like it means something." Which is about me and messages I carry inside, again, not about anyone else. So, I guess all I can say is...I'm faltering and failing right now. I start to feel like I don't have a right to even be. I'm so tired. And I'm so so sorry.

quote:

I am more disconnected and feel like I cause more problems to others by being here than being gone.

This is absolutely untrue (((Anon))) – you’ve always been such a marvellous contributor – sharing your story and listening to and supporting others in spite of where you might be at the time!!! Having said that, we’ll understand if your need for a break is so strong, but let it be for the right reasons!! You’ve been very much missed during past breaks!!!

Like RT says, although we might feel it’s all too hard – we’re not giving up!! Incidentally, I’ve read many of your posts RT – welcome!
Gentle s, Morgs

((((ANON))))

I've noticed your growth and your stronger voice in speaking about what you know to be true. I think it's awesome. You never say anything in a harmful or hurtful way. You speak from your own experience and no one can fault you for the way you feel. You are a sincere, genuine and wonderful person and I really hope you find a way to feel safe and stick around.

quote:

thank you but I'm not intending to leave - I just wanted to encourage others NOT to leave!!!

Glad you're not planning on going anywhere Morgs! Guess I should rephrase that to read: if someone is considering (though I do hope anyone considering does reconsider.)

(((all))) Thanks for all the support you guys, and for those who can relate, that really helped. I'm a selfish human, with selfish human failings. I appreciate the encouragement...maybe what I need most now is to know, perhaps I can be those things I said, a failed, selfish person who messes up and accidentally hurts people or has to battle to be the very best person I want to be (and constantly fall short of)...and still be accepted. Sometimes, when I'm hurt, I can have anger or bad feelings toward others, and learn to accept it in myself and believe that others will too. I think a lot of what I'm struggling with here is I am feeling so much more than I used to, and dissociating less, and I actually feel guilty for it, so far as it affects others. T is super-excited about it, but it's a lot to figure out right now. LOL, it's funny, but it's like instead of hearing that I'm good, I need others to see that I'm not (despite wanting/intending to be), and still be wanted. I don't know if I ever had that as a kid, and learned not to risk it for so long, I'm only now starting to have that experience.

(((hugs))) to all those out there who are confused or hurting. I'm sorry I'm not commenting on more threads right now, and sorry if I've distracted things by turning attention onto myself, as that's not what I meant to do. I meant to...keep trying my best. My best is not always enough...deep breath...and that's OK, right?

(((ANON)))

I hardly see you as a selfish person but if that's the way you want to see yourself, as less than perfect but still loveable, then I don't want to mess with that. Of course it's okay that your best is not always enough. But I have a feeling that you work really hard almost all the time, if not all the time and that is "enough" for me.