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11 replies

Dear T

katskatsMember
Just really needed to get this out. Was thinking of sending this to T about my problems with my transference feelings. Any comments would be appreciated.



I really don’t know where to begin but I have to get this out as I feel that right now I am going nowhere. When I started to see you I sort of came reluctantly, not knowing what to expect. As we have progress in out working relationship I noticed some changes in me. I started feeling good about myself. I was looking at myself in a more positive manner. Feelings that I hadn’t felt for years were surfacing, good and bad. You helped me learn to deal with the bad feelings and gave me tools to learn how to speak up for myself.

The problem lies with the good feelings I am having for you. You bring out such positive emotions in me and make me feel like I am really worth something. They were such strong feelings. I was dancing on a cloud. Feelings of happiness, I can do anything. I felt like that once before many, many years ago when I was with the love of my life. That scared me. I immediately fell into a protective mode, as I did not want to feel like that.
Why feel for something you can’t have. I truly believe that I will never get that again not in a true relationship. I haven’t felt like that in so long I really don’t know how to deal with it. When they first started I couldn’t wait for the next session, the last little while I am just scared to go. I am scared to tell you of these feelings, as I know what the final result will be. You telling me you can no longer work with me and leaving. It seems to be a pattern for me. Whenever I start to feel good it is taken away. I do not feel worthy of happiness, and only if it is for an hour I was feeling good talking with you. Now, I am just scared of the whole thing.

I don’t know what to do, and how to deal with all of this. It is very painful and plays in my mind most of the time. My addictions counsellor has told me that I should tell you how I am feeling, because it may help me to better understand myself.

So here I am bearing my soul to you and bracing myself for the inevitable rejection that will follow. I know that I will get through it by myself as I always do.

Kats
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Kats.. I think it's an excellent lettter that reveals a lot about you and your vulnerability. I am hoping that your T is wise enough to break that pattern you refer to and that you will come to realize that you do deserve good things in your life.

I cannot promise or predict what your T will do but I want to say that confessing transference feelings to a T is NOT an automatic termination. I think it becomes a negative issue when the transference causes the therapy to break down. When you stop doing the therapy. Also, holding in the feelings may prevent you from doing therapy as well. It becomes just another secret in your life.

My T was defensive and a little out of his depth but he did not terminate me, in fact, our relationship just went to a deeper level. Of course I was scared to death to tell him, as my past history tells me that when you admit you care for someone they leave or they distance themselves from you. And with my T being so important to me I was prepared for this very conclusion. Instead, he broke the pattern and so far so good. Of course, I am still frustrated by the boundaries and that I cannot be more to him than a patient... ever.

And, like you, I was prepared to get through it alone like I usually do. I have survived a lot and this would just be one more sad and difficult thing to put to rest. But instead, I found this wonderful community and although I didn't have to face termination with my T, I do have everyone here to help with other issues and I don't feel so alone.

TN
wynnewynneMember
I'm a big fan of also thinking of Ts as humans, professional humans working really hard at doing a job that (most of them) probably actually love to do. And you gotta think that (in that T way) most of them would actually be terribly pleased to hear this:

quote:
You bring out such positive emotions in me and make me feel like I am really worth something. They were such strong feelings. I was dancing on a cloud. Feelings of happiness, I can do anything.


I mean, that's like a line out of an inspirational how-to-for-Ts manual, no? Smiler I liked it, by the way. Makes me start wondering how to say some of that kind of thing to Tfella. As I imagine is typical, we so rarely talk about my 'good' feelings. Smiler
justme 2justme 2Member
Kat,

I think that is a great letter and I agree with everyone else that it expresses a vulnerability that your T can help you work through. Your fear of pain and rejection are clear and I hope will be gently accepted and contained by your T. I like how TN put it, that holding back will create more negative compromises and that it becomes just another secret in your life. And we know that isn't working for any of us anymore.

Please let us know how everything goes.
JM
katskatsMember
Thank you all for your responses.

Well I just couldn't take it any longer so I called T today to see if she had room in her schedule to see me this week. Guess what she had room today didn't expect that. Wish I would have brought a copy of the letter with me, but I didn't.

I did however manage to her how I was feeling, and how I have sabotaged myself and shut down because of the feelings. She asked me what I expected that she was going to do, and I told her I figured she would tell me we couldn't work together and we were done. We got into some deeper theories on why I was feeling the way I was feeling and where it was all coming from.

She reassured me that she would have not just let me, and that we would work through anything that came up. She asked me why I brought this up and I told her that I thought we had a good working relationship and I was not being fair to her or to myself.

All and all, I was glad I went. I feel reassured that I will be able to talk about anything, and that she really does care about me. She said she knew how hard it was for me to talk to her about this and that she was proud of me.

Yes therapy does work Smiler

Kats
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Yay, Kat. You were brave to be so honest and bravo to your T who handled it very well. I'm glad you took the initiative to call her and ask for the appointment. That alone was a big step... asking for what you need. I know exactly how wonderful it feels when your T reassures you that they won't leave you and that they are willing to work through anything that comes up. I am really so happy for you!!!

True North
janejaneMember
i like the dear t posts. it inspired me to write my own letter. i'm not gonna post it here. but, in the writing, i figured out that alot of my whiny, unable-to-put-into-words behavior at my last session was probably coming from a very young age in my mind, a place we have been working on in therapy. i also figured out that i DO have several friends(i kept telling him i had none at last session--very pity-partyish), but it is my walls that pevent me from getting too close. i am not sure how to get the walls down, but maybe that is something he can help me work on. i found out that i do have session this week Big Grin
also found some descriptions for some of these crazy emotions that are terrorizing me lately. so i guess i will talk to him about it, and maybe he will know what to do with it all--or at least some of it.
KAT: so happy for you and your growth in therapy. i admire your courage to talk to your T like you did.

so thanks all for the inspiration!!

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