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2 replies

Death and moving on

L lala22Member
Hi. I'm new to this and this is so strange for me to be writing this. I don't have many people I feel I can talk to and can't afford therapy. I thought you guys might have some input or could possibly relate. If I'm totally out of line here - let me know.

My sister/best friend died at 32 yrs old from breast cancer 1 year and a half ago, leaving her husband, 2 young children and my family behind. Right before this happened, I moved away from home, quit my job of 8 years and ended my 8 year relationship. I immediately got into a new relationship, which has been amazing - he is the nicest and most loving person I've ever known.

It was a LOT of change all at the same time. My whole world was turned upside and my sister death was the worst thing I can image going through. I started to feel better for a little while after her death. But, lately I'm finding it really difficult to enjoy anything. I get upset about little things that normally wouldn't bother me. I don't exercise anymore - I just want to sleep. It's nearly impossible for me to smile or laugh. I'm so moody all the time. I feel like this isn't fair to my boyfriend and he deserves so much better - someone a lot happier. He is very patient and loving - but I feel him getting anxious for me to be happy (I am too). I know he can't relate to how I feel inside. I feel like I will never move on from my sister's death and my grieving process is taking way too long. It's making it hard for me to function in my relationship and daily life.

I haven't made any new friends where I live - so my boyfriend is the only person I spend time with, unless my family is in town visiting. I haven't been able to find a good job - so I'm always stressed about money. I want to stay living where I am - but I feel like I need a major shift to happen for me to allow positive things to come into my life. I'm struggling to figure out what that shift is.

I'm normally a very outgoing and fun person - but I have a really hard time feeling happy since my sister died. I'm good at pretending to be happy - but I really want to feel cheerful and good inside again.

Any advice?
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nobledaughternobledaughterMember
Hi Lala, Sorry for the delay in my response to you. I had to get up the energy to do it because this is such an exhausting subject for me. I am 49 years old and I lost my 20 year old son almost four years ago. My daughter who is now 20 found him dead. What I've learned through the grieving process is NOT that time heals all wounds. I learned IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH THE TIME. I'm not a doctor or counselor but I do consider myself pretty expert in grief and you are in protracted grief. This happens when you do not fully experience your loss. There are many places that offer grief counseling. Check with your local hospital, nurses association, cancer organization. There are internet groups and there's a group called Compassionate Friends, which is nationwide. The first group you try might not be a good fit. Keep trying. Also, as hard as this sounds, find something to immerse yourself in. Volunteer at a food bank or homeless shelter. Tell your boyfriend what you are going through and ask him to help you participate more fully in life. After my son died, I had a religious conversion as well. I went from being Jewish to being a Latter-day Saint. I knew that I could not handle my son's death alone and I knew he could not just disappear and be gone. Death of a sibling is very hard to bare. You have you loss, missing your sister and anger for her leaving you. Perhaps you have guilt because it happened to her and you are fine. You can have a new kind of relationship with your sister even thought she is no longer on this earth. She is watching over you; make her proud. Give to the world what she wanted to give and let the world see the person she loved so deeply-- her bestfriend -- YOU.
L lala22Member
Thank you so much for your kind reply. This was very moving for me to read - and very helpful. Especially what you said about giving the world what she wanted to. That is very powerful and really opened my eyes. I appreciate your reply and I am so, so sorry for your loss. My parents are changed people from losing their daughter. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Stay strong and thanks again for the kind words!

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