Hi Smiley,
I'm so sorry for the pain you find yourself in. I have experienced both things you're discussing. Being unable to speak a memory and experiencing pain so bad that the only way out seems to be death.

One of the memories I actually recovered during therapy was knowing that there was a period during my childhood where I really wanted to die, I was actually angry at God because He let me live. I coudln't see any other way out of the abuse. As an adult, I have struggled on and off with suicidal ideation although I've never attempted suicide, just thought about it a lot.

I know this is hard to hear but you need to let your therapist know how you're feeling. The best way to not act on these thoughts is to reach out and let someone know you're thinking them. And as hard as I know it is to speak about the memory (and please know I don't speak lightly, some of the things I've had to face about my past have been pretty bad) it's so important to speak. The reason it's so important to speak is that the way out of the pain is through it. Speaking the memory aloud so that someone can hear you, understand you and help you to understand that the tremendous shame which is the source of the pain worse than death, is not yours. Or even if it is, it is not beyond forgiveness or understanding.

The truth is, that whatever this memory is, you have already survived it, now you are just trying to break open the prison it holds you in. So much of its power is held in your silence. You need to be able to see someone else hear this and know that its bearable to hear.

I'm really glad that you posted here, which tells me you really don't want to hurt yourself because you're reaching out for connection instead. If you can't talk about the memory, you can keep talking about how you feel about it, we're listening.

AG

seablue

Firstly well done for speaking out and being so open

I think you are going to find a whole heap of people are here to support you and many of them will have experienced similar awful feelings as you are - so you might feel strengthened by that. I hope so.

I would second all that AG says - both in her sentiment and that I have been there myself. I still struggle to talk about some of the things that happened. There are no words for me to say them but somehow I am doing it, painfully slowly, and each word spoken hurts as much as the one before BUT it helps. Not at the time - no way - but later, little by little , it helps. The awfulness never goes and I am still instantly filled with shame, but the realisation that someone can help to move this feeling on is worth it. And some memories are fading into being almost ok. Your T has been trained to listen to such stuff - no I don't know how they can either - but if she says it's ok then you must belive and trust her. She will help you and I guess we need all our allies we can sometimes

The suicidal feelings are awful. It has happened to me 3 times now that I felt it was a serious option. I didn't tell my T the first time (in case she stopped me maybe) but admitted later and now have a deal with her that I will alert her when I feel the warning signs and that makes me feel safer. She will not disown you or be angry - again she will be trained to help you and support you through this really difficult time.

We are not trained but are all here with you to help if we can so post anytime - there's normally someone about

starfish

Thankyou AG and Starfish. I have had three weak attempts at suicide. I am trying to find a way to get this out. I know what you say is true that I have to go through it and that I've already survived it. It feels so bad. It's not like I haven't been through most of it with her. This just feels worse for some reason. In my head I just want all of it to go away and leave me and I have been told that it will always be there to some degree and I will always have the chance for a trigger. I can't live with that answer anymore. I'm always either feeling bad, dirty, shameful, don't want anyone to really know me becasue then they would "just know" about it. Dumb I know but that's how it feels.

Thanks for the input.

smiley

Smiley,
It's not dumb at all! This is what makes healing from these kinds of injuries so very difficult (my Ts nickname for this is "the hellish bind"). The very thing you need to do to heal which is to open up and talk about what happened, to reach out to other people, is the very thing that feels like it will destroy you because at one time it almost did. Please hear that it makes total sense that you would be struggling both with expressing this stuff and with the feelings that it brings up.

And please know that although, in some sense, it will always be with you, I know in my life I've come to a point that when it does get triggered it's not very strong and well within what I can handle. It's not really any longer a part of my day to day existance, much more often now it feels like something that's actually in my past. It didn't feel that way for a long time.

AG

Hello Smiley

It’s a moot point discussing suicidal feelings with a T, mainly because that’s one of the areas where they can be obliged to break confidentiality if they think you could be a danger to yourself, and could report you to outside agencies. It wouldn’t hurt to ask your T pointblank what her thoughts about your suicidal feelings are - it sounds as if you feel suicidal but don’t actually want to go through with it (which is a different thing altogether) and knowing her thoughts on the subject will make it easier for you to bring such feelings up if you need to without fearing the consequences.

I’m so sorry for how you are feeling - it sounds as if you are right in the middle of a really black terrifying thing and it feels like there’s no going back but you can’t see the way forward either. But you’re taking the right steps and even if it doesn’t feel like it, they are steps in the right direction. Grab all the support you can - now’s the time to really be on your own side in this. And places like this forum are a really good means of support - please don’t be afraid to post more.

Hi Smiley I feel like that a lot during sessions, where it is too painful to talk about memories, painful to even think about them.

One thing I found that really helped me to talk about things during therapy is to start of by telling about something to do with the memory that isn't as painful and usually the rest comes tumbling out.

An example is when I remembered the sexual abuse by my eldest sister when we were little and I was way too upset to talk about it. I sat and cried and shook for ages and finally just started talking about how, as adults, when we were both having children she would constantly want to breastfeed my babies and I never ever trusted her to be with my children without me or my husband present. To this day I still think she would have found a way because she was extremely obsessed about it.

After I started talking about that the rest just came out. It is interesting that the bit I thought was less distressing really shocked my P and the rest about the sexual abuse was less shocking.

Thanks Lamplighter and Halo. I agree with you about the therapist, suicide and confidentiality. It makes it difficult. Although I trust her completely. I know that suicide is not the answer and I'm pretty sure I don't want to really do that. I worry that in my most desperate times it will happen.
As for the memroies, yeah they really stink. I can't see my T until next week but I think I need her now. I can't call either 'cause she has some personal time right now. I'm glad I found you folks!
smiley

smiley, yep it does make it difficult but at the end of the day your T has to act in your best interest. It takes a huge leap of faith to tell a T such difficult feelings, but you won't be the first and she will know how to help.
My T was very sensitive when I told her - I had a fear I'd be carted off to some locked unit - but far from it and we agreed a strategy that felt safe for both of us to be comfortable with. The feelings hung around a while but it helped her knowing.

Hard for you to have no contact now when you are feeling you really need it. Post anytime here or make a pact with yourself to tell someone you trust if it ever feels so bad. It will help in the end - just having human contact is important smiley in those times.

Take care,

starfish

Thanks Starfish. I know it is her responsibility that's why I don't want to talk about it with her. I trusted someone once and they turned on me. It caused alot of problems. I can't do that again. I know for me in those really dark times I don't want any human contact - I run and hide

smiley

I understand about trust issues - it takes along long time to trust again once you've been hurt. Your head knows that you can trust your T but your heart tells you otherwise maybe? So you must do what you feel comfortable with, but maybe 'test' your T out on other issues to confirm little by little that you can trust her.

Keep safe and run somewhere safe if you have to run - plan it beforehand perhaps so you do keep safe. I have done a lot of running, now I sort of know where I will run to and that keeps me grounded. I know what you mean aout the needing to be on your own with no contact but it's the balance of that together with safe human contact that can help you, that is maybe important. We run away, but it's the coming back that's hard

Keep posting smiley

starfish

smiley

You ok? How's it going today?
Hope you are managing. ((((hug)))

starfish

Hi Starfish - thanks, I'm hanging in.

smiley

Good - well done. Keep at it smiley

starfish