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I went to see my T, psyched myself up to talk to her about the mother transference stuff, even figured out how I wanted to say it.

I hate being derailed. Its disconcerting and then I feel all disappointed in myself after.

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How do i feel better between now and next time i see her?

Please let me know if you figure it out ... because I'm perpetually in this state

I do find that a little contact between sessions can help, a phone call or e-mail or something. Just to remind you that she isn't annoyed / frustrated / etc at you. (Or at least, isn't going to admit it to you )

LTF -

I'm sorry you had a bad time at therapy. I hate when I go in all prepared to talk about something and then we never seem to get there.

I don't think you should feel guilty (easier said than done, I know from personal experience!). If she is a good therapist she'll completely understand your defensiveness in talking about such a difficult subject. You apologized... she accepted your apology.

She did mention a phone call. I'd take her up on it.

OW

LTF,
Been there, done that and keep going back.

You don't need to worry about getting defensive. The theraputic relationship is only about your needs so your T won't take it personally. And to quote my T "instead of beating yourself up for how you're feeling, why not take this as an opportunity to examine why you feel this way?" Which is what you did!! I mean, do you realize that you stuck with these uncomfortable feelings and listened to yourself enough to figure out why you felt the way you did? That's how the work in therapy gets done! I know it doesn't feel like it but you really did something that's a huge deal and you should be proud of yourself!

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I am the kind of person who takes on all the guilt i can because I feel like I deserve it, that I'm a bad person, i deserve bad things to happen to me, and stuff like this just proves it for me. How do i feel better between now and next time i see her?

The nature of trauma is often that we are powerless when we experience it which is part of what makes it so intolerable. So part of coping for many abused kids is to make it about them, about it being their fault, because if its your fault, then just maybe you have a chance of getting it right and being able to stop it from happening. We turn on ourselves in an attempt to gain some control in an impossible situation. Now it was once a good thing because it helped us survive the abuse, but it runs very deep and is not a conscious thing so it's important for you to experience something different. The best way I found to handle these feelings was to call my T, tell him how I was feeling and what I was worried about him feeling and letting him reassure me. Each time you do that it helps you learn just a little that all those feelings aren't an accurate reflection of the reality. And your T sounds really open to you calling; take advantage of it. Most of my phone calls are just a few minutes but that connection really helped.

And not wanting to talk about the abuse is healthy! Healthy human beings don't go towards pain. If this was easy to deal with, we wouldn't be in therapy to deal with it. And its ok, and even very important for you to decide when you're ready to talk about it. You had no choice when you experienced the abuse, part of the healing is that you have a choice now. So I think its another good thing that you held your T off because you didn't feel comfortable and gave yourself a chance to understand WHY it didn't feel comfortable.

To once again quote my T "you feel like you're doing everything wrong, but you're doing everything right." (Do you get the impression I think my T is a smart guy? )

AG

Thanks again for your replies everyone. I guess i really am developing more insight which is something i can be proud of. It's just so frustrating not being able to share this stuff during therapy.

I've realised a lot of the time i shut off emotionally while I'm in there. I still listen and absorb most of what is being discussed, but I can't process it until I leave. Sometimes it's literally as soon as i get in my car to go that I go whoa, that's why i feel like this, etc. I need to stop putting my guard up during therapy. It's just hard to know how! I will tell my T and maybe she can help.

I am trying to hold off calling her. I want to talk to her in person. I am finally starting to feel less guilty now at least and recognising this is an opportunity to learn from not to hate myself for (thanks to you guys!)

LTF

Well I worked so hard with my T yesterday. And it was one of the most wonderful sessions we've had. I refused to let my guard come up, so it left me very exposed, but I also got so much more out of it than i normally do.

I told my T about last time, where the defensiveness came from, and she immediately apologised (which wasn't necessary - I know she didn't mean to hurt me). She didn't even realise it was so touchy for me and how could she when I didn't tell her and when I didn't react. I also told her about how hard I work to keep my guard up while I am in there with her but that I want to change that.

I think she could see my vulnerability and how hard I was trying, and in return she seemed a lot more gentle to me which was just what I needed. I also let her read some stuff out of my journal that I want to work on. That was hell. I couldn't be in the same room while she read it so I asked her to leave. Then I couldn't stay in there on my own either so I just waited outside. But she was great about it all, I think she understands it better than I do! So now we are figuring out where to go from here and I feel like I am really fighting to get better.

This is something I can genuinely be proud of myself for. I don't remember ever feeling like this actually. Even if I do something well, it normally isn't HARD so I don't feel that proud. THIS WAS HARD but I did it anyway I'm still scared, but I feel I can trust her more now, and I've never felt safer with her then I did yesterday.

Thanks again to everyone for your advice/support. I'd have never been brave enough to do this without you.

LTF