Wow HB, I think that you've done some great work! It must have been difficult to stay with those feelings and see them through...did you notice any changes within yourself as you embraced these images?...I too am trying to practice being mindful and have been reading alot of books on the subject...I find it very challenging to say the least but those times I am mindful, I also find very rewarding and I feel stronger somehow....anyway, I really admire your courage! Sincerely, mlc

((((((((HB))))))))))

You are none of those things: unwanted, worthless, unimportant, useless or repulsive. Not to me, so it can't be true. But I know what it is to feel that way about yourself and I am more sorry than I can say for your pain. Please know that you can move from that place and those feelings are about what wasn't given to you NOT about who you really are. I have seen your worth shine so brightly it reaches across continents. But it is a good thing that you were
able to stay and feel them, those feelings are a part of you and deserved to be acknowledged and you cannot move from a place you do not know you're standing in.

This is one of those times I could kill for a magic wand so I could make those feelings go away. You don't deserve to feel them and they're not the truth. But like mlc, I commend your bravery for facing them. Please know that you are loved and valued here.

AG

(((((HB)))))

My first impulse was to reassure you that you are not these things. But the 6th step you described says you are not trying to make this go away, and you say you want to acknowledge and bear it. I wish I knew what to say or do to help you do that. I feel this way daily and still want to find a way out, but the old “tricks” aren’t working anymore, including reassurances from other people.

So I will tell you this instead: I care about you. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been posting and I’ve missed you. I’m sorry to hear that you are in pain, but grateful that you are sharing it here. I’m confident that you will find the answers you are looking for and I hope that you will continue to share your journey with us.

And even though it may not help to hear it, I will still say that I think you are lovable, I look forward to reading your posts, you have incalculable value, you are definitely important, very useful, and have a beautiful soul that shines throughout this board.

SG

HB,

I think you have been reading my mind... I envy the fact that you were able to stay with those feelings. What a big step and to do it alone! How awesome...

My T is constantly telling me to stay with the feelings, sit with them - let your feelings tell you what they need... Oh my goodness! I just want to run the other way...

I wish I could take your hand and we could sit together with our feelings. Because maybe together it would be easier to bear. I'm here and my hand is out...

KS

Sit with your feelings...now that is a message I've heard Loud and OFTEN in my therapy and I still struggle. I finally asked my T, you keep telling me to do it....how? If you've never done it, how do you know what to do? I commend you for taking that step and doing it! I have felt stalled for a bit now and I know that being in the present and working on acceptance will be key to me getting over this hurdle and continuing the work I have yet to do.

HB, I think that is some good way of dealing with these feelings. It reminds me Litany Against Fear from "Dune" (I'm bit of a SF nerd):
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

Sometime after I started my therapy, and all of a sudden "the feeling" fell upon me, I was sort of trying to explore it, telling it "Who are you? What is it that you want? Tell me about yourself" and it kind of didn't persist.

So maybe once you reached the 6th step of feeling and communicating with these things inside yourself, they will tell you all they want about you, and then they will have nothing more to say, they will leave and you will stay.

quote:

Originally posted by Hummingbird:
Pinocchio was on to something with this wanting to be real thing.

I love it.

quote:

Originally posted by Hummingbird:
It is extrordinarily difficult for me to press the post button on this, what if no one wants to hear about my life, what if it upsets someone, or you all think i am stupid or worse selfish? I feel like chicken licken waiting for the sky to fall in.

I for one don't think you are selfish or stupid at all! I think you are incredibly insightful and brave and generous to share yourself with us! But I know how it feels to take that scary step of opening up about our vulnerabilities. I have felt like I have made a fool of myself several times here already, but hopefully others aren't judging me as harshly as I judge myself. I wonder if some of the issues you struggle with in life - such as being afraid to say the wrong thing & being afraid of rejection - are being manifested through your hesitation to post on this thread. But you took the risk, and that's awesome!

I don't have a parent who physically left me at an early age, but for some reason [probably due to emotional abandonment in my childhood] I still struggle with nearly everything you wrote about (trying to secure approval, to not be demanding, to respect boundaries, to avoid rejection, etc.). Maybe it isn't to the same degree, I don't know. But on some level I do identify.

HB, are you ever able to express anger to your T? I have been able to assert myself enough to tell my T about times I was angry with her, but always it is like calmly relating a past event, withholding passion in the telling, like, "Well, I was angry with you last Tuesday for this reason, but I'm over it now..." It's like if I share it at all, I have to clarify it with an apology to soften the message. I don't think I have ever felt or shown my anger in the moment because my fear of the consequences is still greater than the anger. My T did say in my last session that maybe I need to learn to pick a fight with her and see what happens - to test whether she will reject me or not over it.

It sounded like a break-through moment for you when you wrote about realizing not only that you can't answer for yourself what is important to you, but why it is that way. Those moments can be painful and liberating at the same time. It is a lot to take in!

I hope you keep posting about your insights. Take care!

Sorry I'm coming in late on this, but you are singing my favorite song, Hummingbird! All your feelings ... that's exactly how I feel about myself.

Sitting with those feelings (which my T tells me to do all the time) is as appealing to me as walking on glass or hot coals. I hate it.

And your second post when you feel like you have to sell your soul for approval, that's me too. I don't think you're being selfish either because I know when I sit with my feelings, deep down I want to be cherished too. Every one who HAS cherished me is gone (and I'm even counting pets). I suppose I should expect or ask my T to tell me he cherishes me, right, to get past this? I don't know if I'd believe him.

We did talk a little bit about losses today but talking about people who are gone really hurts me so he said he wants to try going about it a different way. Before, he had told me about honoring someone's memory by doing things they used to do, etc., but the part he missed out on was I missed THEM not what they did. He said he gets it now.

We also talked about people getting mad at me (when I was a kid, and my husband getting mad now) and that they'd ignore me for hours (silent treatment, glares) and there was never an obvious "I'm not mad anymore" statement from them. I left a journal page with my T last week and he never gave me any feedback (call or email) about it all week so I was furious when I first got there today because it triggered the same feeling inside when people are mad at me (the silent treatment part of it). It's almost like feeling they don't want me to exist, like I'm so annoying they wish I was dead. Apparently I really need the feedback that the relationship is okay again, and obviously people who are gone can't give that to me. I'm thankful my T said he had another plan to help me.

He said that he really appreciated the big risk I took leaving my journal too so I guess that counts as feedback. (I was hoping he'd say he's read more disgusting things than that.)

Reading your stuff helps me, but why do we have to stick or stay with the garbage feelings? Why should we focus on the crap. My T says something about process, but I prefer avoidance.
I too can not handle when T does not get back to me. I still hate talking to him ( or anyone) on the phone- much prefer txting. I too relate to the rejection issues.