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HB,
I know that I can't fix it for you, but I can say that I hear ya. I have the same question--wondering if I'm important to my T. The only comparison I have is this: I am a teacher. The students in my class are incredibly important to me. I spend a good part of the day, 5 days a week, for 9 months with these little people. I sincerely love each of them. When I'm away from them, I often think of them. They make me smile, laugh, cry, worry, feel proud, feel frustrated, feel who I am. They are a large part of my life.
Yet, when I'm away from them, they are a peripheral part of my life. I think of them, but it doesn't take over what I'm doing with my weekend or evening. When one of them moves away, I feel sad, and I miss him/her, but I'm not devastated.
I think of students from years past with good feelings, even the challenging ones. It's a sweet feeling that brings a smile to my heart. When I bump into a student, even if it's been a couple of years since I've seen him or her, I still feel bonded to that student. It's a connection and a love that I will always have.
I often wonder if that's how my therapist feels toward her clients. I hope that's how she feels toward me. Maybe that's how yours feels toward you.
You say that you don't really understand what and why it is so much harder saying goodbye to him compared to your friends and the rest of your life. I get this. Part of it might be due to transference. I bet a lot of it has to do with how vulnerable you were with him. You probably exposed so much of yourself to him. Through this, you were probably more intimate with him than you've probably been with anyone in your life. This creates such a closeness that would be very difficult to leave. It makes sense that it would be so hard for you.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
How painful it must be!
Meow,
catgirl
I know that I can't fix it for you, but I can say that I hear ya. I have the same question--wondering if I'm important to my T. The only comparison I have is this: I am a teacher. The students in my class are incredibly important to me. I spend a good part of the day, 5 days a week, for 9 months with these little people. I sincerely love each of them. When I'm away from them, I often think of them. They make me smile, laugh, cry, worry, feel proud, feel frustrated, feel who I am. They are a large part of my life.
Yet, when I'm away from them, they are a peripheral part of my life. I think of them, but it doesn't take over what I'm doing with my weekend or evening. When one of them moves away, I feel sad, and I miss him/her, but I'm not devastated.
I think of students from years past with good feelings, even the challenging ones. It's a sweet feeling that brings a smile to my heart. When I bump into a student, even if it's been a couple of years since I've seen him or her, I still feel bonded to that student. It's a connection and a love that I will always have.
I often wonder if that's how my therapist feels toward her clients. I hope that's how she feels toward me. Maybe that's how yours feels toward you.
You say that you don't really understand what and why it is so much harder saying goodbye to him compared to your friends and the rest of your life. I get this. Part of it might be due to transference. I bet a lot of it has to do with how vulnerable you were with him. You probably exposed so much of yourself to him. Through this, you were probably more intimate with him than you've probably been with anyone in your life. This creates such a closeness that would be very difficult to leave. It makes sense that it would be so hard for you.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
How painful it must be!
Meow,
catgirl
One thing I have learned as a parent is that children are not rational. They don't possess logic and don't listen to reason, they just are who they are, they want what they want and assume they'll get whatever it is they need without having to ask or at least asking politely. And when you try to take something away from them they shout and cry "Mine, mine, mine!" until you just can't stand it anymore.
The child inside of you is doing all of this because the person in your life who has seen that child and helped make a safe place for her to hang out and be heard and taken care of is going to be far away now and that hurts. Maybe you feel like you want something from him because you need something to hold onto as you go forward without him being near. When my daughter started full time daycare at 3 1/2 when I went back to work it was quite a transition. We had been home together for 3 1/2 years and I was attuned to her cries and needs and moods and no teacher at daycare was going to be able to do that for her. To help her feel better I sent a sweater of mine to school with her so she could hold it when she felt lonely or scared. And I felt it too. I was happy to go back to work but I missed her little face and all of her funny quirks and giggles, hugs and kisses. To help myself with the transition I kept a few of her little things in my purse.
So, I probably had an easier time with the transition than she did but it was still hard. I bet your T will feel some of the same. One of his baby birds is flying out of the nest and I am sure he is proud of you and sad you're moving. Maybe that is what you need from him - to hear him say that to you so you will know that there is a real relationship between you, a real connection forged through all of your hard work, and his.
The child inside of you is doing all of this because the person in your life who has seen that child and helped make a safe place for her to hang out and be heard and taken care of is going to be far away now and that hurts. Maybe you feel like you want something from him because you need something to hold onto as you go forward without him being near. When my daughter started full time daycare at 3 1/2 when I went back to work it was quite a transition. We had been home together for 3 1/2 years and I was attuned to her cries and needs and moods and no teacher at daycare was going to be able to do that for her. To help her feel better I sent a sweater of mine to school with her so she could hold it when she felt lonely or scared. And I felt it too. I was happy to go back to work but I missed her little face and all of her funny quirks and giggles, hugs and kisses. To help myself with the transition I kept a few of her little things in my purse.
So, I probably had an easier time with the transition than she did but it was still hard. I bet your T will feel some of the same. One of his baby birds is flying out of the nest and I am sure he is proud of you and sad you're moving. Maybe that is what you need from him - to hear him say that to you so you will know that there is a real relationship between you, a real connection forged through all of your hard work, and his.
quote:The strange thing is this clingy needy part of me feels like I finally know what it is like to be me. I am like a child screaming my lungs out because my mother is going out and i don't want her to.
(((((((HB))))))))
That part of you is NOT needy or clingy. That part of you is healthy! When you take a mammal away from there attachment figure, the first thing that happens is protest. They scream and cry to get the attention of the attachment figure because its too dangerous to be left alone. If that doesn't work, they eventually slip into despair. I think a very deep part of you finally knows that you have someone who would pay attention if you protest.
Of course, this is hard. Leaving home ALWAYS is. You didn't do all that work so that you wouldn't feel. You did all that work so that when you felt this way, you could handle it. Your sadness and mourning honor what you had with your T. It deserves to be honored and mourned. It was deep and real and had a tremendous impact on you.
I believe that this is not easy for your T either. That you do mean something very important to him. But like a good parent, a good T knows when they need to let us go, because to hold us too close is to hurt us.
I hope you're last session allows you to connect and is a chance for both of you to express what it has meant to you to work together. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow. And we'll be here afterwards if you need to talk.
AG
quote:I guess I want to know whether i am important to my T, if i mean anything in his life and no amouny of rationalising can change my desperate need to mean something to him. I know i need something from him but i don't really understand what and why it is so much harder saying goodbye to him compared to my friends and the rest of my life.
HB - this is exactly how I felt when I said goodbye to my son's former T. I still wonder if I mean something to her. The answer is I'm pretty sure I do, I can tell when I run into her that she is still interested in me and happy to talk to me. I'm sure you are special to your T too.
The others have said it brilliantly, and reading what they have to say has been helpful to me too, as I still struggle with needing her and wanting her to need me.
OW
HB
Good question. Why not ask him? He'll answer you honestly. Asking him would help you to put some closure on your therapy with him. Even after the last session. It's important to not walk away with unfinished business. You'll forever be asking yourself these questions and more with no ready answers. Something positive for your mental health
I hear your sadness ..... and fears. I'm here listening. your not alone.
Wiz
quote:I guess I want to know whether i am important to my T, if i mean anything in his life and no amouny of rationalising can change my desperate need to mean something to him. I know i need something from him but i don't really understand what and why it is so much harder saying goodbye to him compared to my friends and the rest of my life.
Good question. Why not ask him? He'll answer you honestly. Asking him would help you to put some closure on your therapy with him. Even after the last session. It's important to not walk away with unfinished business. You'll forever be asking yourself these questions and more with no ready answers. Something positive for your mental health
I hear your sadness ..... and fears. I'm here listening. your not alone.
Wiz
Hi HB
Thank you so much for posting this. I feel an impending 'rupture' with my T. He is edging me towards it I believe. I'm really struck by the replies to your post and thank you all for your contributions as they have helped me put words on what I'm feeling especially yours Catgirl - I used to teach and can fully respond to your analogy and can't believe that I never thought of it myself!!
I'm recently discovering that there are what I call 'circles' in this therapy/transference game..
1. We come because we can't feel. We learn how to feel. We express our feelings in therapy. We cry, we bawl, we rant. We get in touch with our emotions and feel the relief that brings. Then we realise that we can't let these emotions take over and that we have now to learn to put them back in their box - but differently this time.
2. We come because we have tarnished boundaries or none at all. We experience boundaries in the therapeutic relationship but this causes us to rant and rail against them - the very thing we sought in the first place - and realise that we have to put boundaries back - but differently this time.
3. We come because we are no longer self-sufficient. We have reached a point where we recognise that we need help to manage our lives after decades of being self-sufficient. And then, lo and behold, through the therapeutic relationship we begin to experience what it is like to be needy, clingy, attached - and realise that we have to learn to be self-sufficient again - but differently this time.
4. We come because we have been hiding. We have learned that it is safer to say nothing, to swallow the pain and the hurt and pretend that we're okay. Now we discover that we can bring it all into the open in therapy and will not be judged. And then, lo and behold, we discover that we have to reign it in again - but differntly this time.
All these circles emanate from me and lead back to me...I'm sure y'all have more examples.
Don't get me wrong - I am absolutely terrified of being without my T. It feels like cutting off my right arm. I have more work to do to get to that point but I feel it approaching. Another new discovery at yesterday's session is that it now feels like I have to let him go (and not the other way around).
Lady
Thank you so much for posting this. I feel an impending 'rupture' with my T. He is edging me towards it I believe. I'm really struck by the replies to your post and thank you all for your contributions as they have helped me put words on what I'm feeling especially yours Catgirl - I used to teach and can fully respond to your analogy and can't believe that I never thought of it myself!!
I'm recently discovering that there are what I call 'circles' in this therapy/transference game..
1. We come because we can't feel. We learn how to feel. We express our feelings in therapy. We cry, we bawl, we rant. We get in touch with our emotions and feel the relief that brings. Then we realise that we can't let these emotions take over and that we have now to learn to put them back in their box - but differently this time.
2. We come because we have tarnished boundaries or none at all. We experience boundaries in the therapeutic relationship but this causes us to rant and rail against them - the very thing we sought in the first place - and realise that we have to put boundaries back - but differently this time.
3. We come because we are no longer self-sufficient. We have reached a point where we recognise that we need help to manage our lives after decades of being self-sufficient. And then, lo and behold, through the therapeutic relationship we begin to experience what it is like to be needy, clingy, attached - and realise that we have to learn to be self-sufficient again - but differently this time.
4. We come because we have been hiding. We have learned that it is safer to say nothing, to swallow the pain and the hurt and pretend that we're okay. Now we discover that we can bring it all into the open in therapy and will not be judged. And then, lo and behold, we discover that we have to reign it in again - but differntly this time.
All these circles emanate from me and lead back to me...I'm sure y'all have more examples.
Don't get me wrong - I am absolutely terrified of being without my T. It feels like cutting off my right arm. I have more work to do to get to that point but I feel it approaching. Another new discovery at yesterday's session is that it now feels like I have to let him go (and not the other way around).
Lady
Your have courage ..........
Wiz
Wiz