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Hi HB,
I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I've been mulling it over ever since, and it's a tricky thing to write about. You've articulated something that sometimes I can't quite focus on - like one of those magic eye pictures.
My instinct, though, is that what you're talking about is the difference between feeling peaceful with myself and chasing my tail with all sorts of coping mechanisms that still don't address the deeper stuff. I often get this great sense of tiredness, sometimes exhaustion, and frustration - like, how come I'm being so GOOD, & doing all the right things, and I'm still here in this great sadness/loneliness/emptiness inside?
I like that you write about 'asking the question and then allowing the answer to grow', because my sense is that although I want to GET what you are saying and DO it - self-allowance and maybe something like autonomy is what i hear in it - it is something that won't be rushed.
Actually what happens for me when I think about it is that a whole lot of feelings come up immediately, I feel flooded and I shut down.
So... back to the coping strategies for now - BUT: this post has given me a different kind of self-awareness, and it feels really significant to me. Thank you & hope you have a lovely holiday season.
J
I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I've been mulling it over ever since, and it's a tricky thing to write about. You've articulated something that sometimes I can't quite focus on - like one of those magic eye pictures.
My instinct, though, is that what you're talking about is the difference between feeling peaceful with myself and chasing my tail with all sorts of coping mechanisms that still don't address the deeper stuff. I often get this great sense of tiredness, sometimes exhaustion, and frustration - like, how come I'm being so GOOD, & doing all the right things, and I'm still here in this great sadness/loneliness/emptiness inside?
I like that you write about 'asking the question and then allowing the answer to grow', because my sense is that although I want to GET what you are saying and DO it - self-allowance and maybe something like autonomy is what i hear in it - it is something that won't be rushed.
Actually what happens for me when I think about it is that a whole lot of feelings come up immediately, I feel flooded and I shut down.
So... back to the coping strategies for now - BUT: this post has given me a different kind of self-awareness, and it feels really significant to me. Thank you & hope you have a lovely holiday season.
J
hi hb and jones,
i have been bouncing around in my head and trying to get a handle on myself for a while now. sometimes i feel like everything is crystal clear and at other times it is muddy water that im swimming in. i sometimes feel that i am on the verge of discovering something yet cannot quite find the right words, know them or see enough to reach something. thats probably why i need therapy, to have someone nudge me in the right direction to get there to that moment of clarity where i can really see. i have felt this before and it is very powerful and self enlightening when i discovered transference and understood a few things that seem so obvious now to me. at the time though my inner barriers stopped me understanding and seeing what was in front of my nose. but yet i could not tell you exactly what my inner barriers are in full as i cannot quite put my finger on them either. i just know they are there holding me.
i feel like this too jones , "Actually what happens for me when I think about it is that a whole lot of feelings come up immediately, I feel flooded and I shut down". i completely understand what you mean here as i feel like nearly this all the time. i have to try and ignore myself when i get like that, get the feeling in my head to be quiet so i can think clearer.
hope everyone has a nice xmas, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"however long the night, the dawn will break"
i have been bouncing around in my head and trying to get a handle on myself for a while now. sometimes i feel like everything is crystal clear and at other times it is muddy water that im swimming in. i sometimes feel that i am on the verge of discovering something yet cannot quite find the right words, know them or see enough to reach something. thats probably why i need therapy, to have someone nudge me in the right direction to get there to that moment of clarity where i can really see. i have felt this before and it is very powerful and self enlightening when i discovered transference and understood a few things that seem so obvious now to me. at the time though my inner barriers stopped me understanding and seeing what was in front of my nose. but yet i could not tell you exactly what my inner barriers are in full as i cannot quite put my finger on them either. i just know they are there holding me.
i feel like this too jones , "Actually what happens for me when I think about it is that a whole lot of feelings come up immediately, I feel flooded and I shut down". i completely understand what you mean here as i feel like nearly this all the time. i have to try and ignore myself when i get like that, get the feeling in my head to be quiet so i can think clearer.
hope everyone has a nice xmas, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"however long the night, the dawn will break"