I used to participate quite a lot in online community in the past. I remember that during that time it became very important to me. It was an escape from my pain and I felt I was being a part of something. I was like them more or less.
I had different attitude to this community here. It is very specific and what brings us here and what bonds us together is the thing that we all have in common: the therapy.
Nobody else could understand what therapy was for me. So I found here a group of people who share the experience...


(sorry, I have to finish here as I am urgently needed elswhere)

HUGS!!! )))

MH,

I think you are very brave for bringing this up. I have to say that I share many of your thoughts and feelings on the subject. It isn't that I don't understand why someone would need to take a step back because I do, but I know that it makes me anxious and feel like I'm losing part of the support system that I feel I have here. It is often like a domino effect. It is so hard to find people who understand what this process is like and when it feels like everyone starts to bail out, it feels as if the security of the forum and knowledge that the support and friendship will be here is threatened. As someone who also has attachment issues that is hard.

Just wanted to say I understand and I hear you. (((hugs)))

Mad Hatter-

thanks for posting about such touchy stuff. I think its very brave of you- and i`d like to honor that.

I still condsider myself as a newbie here, and i am also aware of- and have some fears about getting TOO attached to poeple here..

kind of dont wanna develope "cyber-transeference" with enyone whom might just leave the forum.. Its right, this is just the awy life is, there are no "rules" about leaving or stayin`at this forum thats the "risk" bein here and attache to those who share their story`s here.

Allthoug- i think its worth the risk.

Thanks for venting about this Mad Hatter. Its very honest and in good-forum spirit! And btw: I have no plans but stick around here for sometime- and if i for some reason want to leave this forum, I`ll stribe to go with a "No-hard-feelings-seperation"..and tell those who might care why iam about to leave. Right now this things are just hypothetical really.

I am still overwhelmed by the suooprt and help there are here, and i found this place to be such a great suorce to learn more. And a very rare oportunity to help other as well- and i think we`re all feel a bit obligated to aech other- sinse we`re in the same boat being in therapy. At least thats how i feel it. Therapy can be so lonely sometimes, without havin people around who actually have a deeper understanding of what it is all about and how much its disturbs us and helps us in a rare mix...

Hey MH I’m so glad you’ve posted about this, I’ve spent all day spinning out about forum and starting umpteen different threads about how I feel about what’s been going on, and not posting anything after all.

Now I feel a whole lot better knowing others feel quite freaked about this kind of stuff too. Thought it was just me being paranoid and childish.

I think I understand why people feel the need to delete stuff they’ve posted, and I do understand why sometimes people need a break. I definitely understand why people feel that they don’t need the forum anymore and leave to get on with other things in their lives. But all the same, every time a post is deleted or someone bolts it really upsets me - sometimes I wonder if it’s something I’ve said or not said - mostly it just makes me feel really unsettled and threatened - I’ve come to rely on this forum so much in the last few months and it’s really scary at the moment what with some people just disappearing and a general sense of wariness about posting and the fear that others will follow suit.

I like to think I’ve made some friends here, and I feel a whole closer to everyone on forum than I do to just about everyone in real world - so, yeah, it’s like being abandoned or rejected whenever someone disappears - I also feel that my own efforts at support are being spurned - wondering why people don’t reach out, don’t take the time to explain and try and sort things out…

Well that’s me at the moment. I guess I see this forum as more than just a group of anonymous people occasionally sharing common experiences, but that’s maybe just me and my needs.

I don’t think there’s anything can be done about this sort of thing happening, (as you say MH, there’s no ‘solution’ it’s just life) and the last thing I’d want is for people to feel bad about deleting or disappearing, just that it’s good to be able to talk about how it affects the rest of us.

Thanks for posting this MH.

LL

BTW: LL- i am developing "cyber-mother-transeference" with you- watch out!

Thank you for posting this MH, it is hard to talk about. I feel all those feelings too, and always have a hope that people will come back when the dust settles, but it is scary and sad from this side, as well as from the other side. I think BB's explanation was really helpful and I think this happens for a lot of people - that they don't understand, can't fathom that they are valued, and part of a community that feels their absence. At the moment I'm worried about Draggers, missing her, also thinking of Monte, hoping she's okay, and so on.

But I also know that the internal events that set this stuff off for people are powerful, overwhelmingly powerful, and part of their bigger struggles, and they need serious attention. And I know that people are just doing their best when they withdraw.

I hope we can keep cultivating a culture here where people are able to say 'hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed, I need to step back for a while', and/or to ask for help (on or off forum) in processing stuff - instead of feeling like it has to be the end and saying it's the end. I think this is something that we can learn, but it's really hard to learn or do new stuff when the biggest and hardest of emotions are in play. I think a loving and supportive environment helps a lot, and good examples help a lot. So MH by saying in an honest and caring way how you are feeling about this instead of joining the dominoes - that seems to me like a wonderfully helpful thing.

Thanks.
Jones

MH, i, too am so triggered by abandonment, even a bird flying away triggers me.

and i look to see what i did wrong.

i absolutely hate the blood rising feeling coming to me when i feel i might be left. i hate is. but i feel it too, so, i pray this can be relieved.

i guess it is pulling that wise mind in there and comforting the little hurt child with reasoning and logic. maybe one day she won't be so hurt by this stuff,

anyway, you are not alone here, as you see. thanks for saying something about the hurt we all feel about these departures.

jill

love you Draggers. It's not annoying at all. Just part of love to care and want you to be okay. You are going through so much. You are not causing hurt.

You and Beebs both... both such loving, gentle hearts and so terrified of hurting anyone, so wanting to do the right thing. I want to steal the self-hate from both of you and send it up in a big bonfire, give you both some peace.

Thank you, Draggers, for letting us know how you are. It's a big, brave thing and it helps so much. Go easy now.

love,
Jones

MH you were very brave to start this thread. As one of the disappearing members I just wanted to stop by and say that I'm very sorry for leaving the group. I really didn't want to leave but my story of losing my T after 2.5 years and being terminated through an email and being hauled to ER by the police... well it was so horrifying to everyone and I knew it was so triggering because what I am living is everyone's most terrifying fear. On top of that it was my thread which brought out that troll Kerry or whatever his/her name is and the flame war that started was so damaging to me when I was struggling to just breathe. I had to struggle to keep posting while feeling like I was this horrible awful despicable person who made their T so freaked he had to call the cops and then run like hell from me.

I really thought it was better that I left because everyone was so afraid of what happened to me. Aside from that I could not handle all the success stories of people with wonderful, understanding Ts who accepted them as they are and whose Ts were able and willing to repair after disruptions. I didn't understand why my T would not even talk to me or return my calls or answer my emails. I must be the most worthless, evil person walking this earth and I cannot even PAY someone not to abandon me.

I just met with my 5th T as I'm still searching. D threw me under the bus last week, betrayed and abandoned me in the meeting with had with my T. Nothing is settled with him and nothing is final... he is still holding onto my shirtail while telling me to go... he won't cooperate with me regarding my insurance mess and I'm left feeling grief and frustration and wounded and totally powerless and helpless.

I'm so sorry if any of you feel I abandoned you by leaving. I felt that I was hurting everyone here by attracting Kerry to the forum and I could not offer any help to anyone because I am so bitter and hurt over therapy. I didn't want to scare the newcomers away from therapy by not having anything positive to say.

I'm very sorry.

TN

TN, Amazon, Monte, it's so good to see you. Thank you.

TN - you are going through hell - I'm so sorry. You didn't attract Kerry here, Kerry's sickness attracted him or her here. I totally understand the need to move away, out of such a charged atmosphere, but I'm terribly sorry that things have continued to be so difficult, and that you don't have the on-going support around you. NONE of this is due to you being in anyway evil, worthless, awful or anything else bad. Simply a hurt person trying to heal from the hurt, and it is very difficult.

The kindness, caring and wisdom you have offered others so often here - those things came from you, from who you are, and they are still inside you. You may feel bitter and hurt now, but that is not who you are. It is something you are going through, and you deserve support.

love to all,
Jones

MH you didn’t make yourself look immature selfish and needy (because if you did then I did too!)

I’m really pleased that so many people have come in and posted - though I’m getting the sense that quite a few people felt bad and guilty because of this thread, and I’m sorry about that - it’s always the risk that talking about how things make you feel it’s going to make others feel responsible and bad.

On the plus side though, I really do think it’s positive for everyone that stuff does get talked about and explained. DF thankyou so much for explaining what’s been going on for you - and I’m so so sorry that it’s turning out to be so difficult for you to post here. I hope that you still stay around though

TN wanted to say specifically - you explained very clearly in your last thread your reasons for wanting to back off from the forum - I don’t have any kind of issue with people who want to leave, or take a break, or are in such pain that it’s damaging for them to be here - it’s more the not knowing that’s upsetting. And your pain was (is) so palpable I have to admire you for being able to post as much as you did. I was just so sorry that you felt you couldn’t reach out for more support here. And I’m really sorry that D has let you down - it sounded as if she was actually being helplful there for a while. I’m also sorry your T is still mucking you about. I really hope you can find a T soon who will help you with the intolerable things you’ve been going through.

I really hope that people who end up lurking from time to time don’t feel that they’re being ‘targetted’ in any way. There’s no requirement that anyone has to post all the time. I so hope that this thread hasn’t made anyone feel guilty or inadequate or that they’re failing in some kind of unwritten expectation.

Big hugs to everyone (((( the forum ))))

LL

quote:

BTW: LL- i am developing "cyber-mother-transeference" with you- watch out!

Lol Frog, well I sure am old enough to be your mother, probably your grandmother . But I would make a lousy mother believe me! What say we be cyber friends?

LL

Hi MH
I just wanted to say that I think you're feelings are understandable and I'm glad that you choose to talk about them. And that so many people choose to step forward to make their reasons clear. I think it helped make it clear that it really wasn't about anyone here but instead about their own experiences.

One of the most important things my T ever taught me was that other people's boundaries are just that, theirs. That a person's boundaries say a lot about them but almost nothing about other people. Because of our histories, we tend to be very quick to think that somehow it's about us, when usually it doesn't have anything to do with us. And we all know that it's easy to bump into stuff that can be difficult because of the nature of the discussions here on the boards.

I do know I have pulled a disappearing act again, although I did try to post in a few places that I am working a lot of OT right now (it doesn't help that my husband is actually working nights this week also). I want you to know that I very much consider my relationships here real, that I do care very much for the people here. It's one of the reasons, I try to be careful to let people know when I can't post or I need to take a break or I'm going to be away on vacation. Because I know it's easy to read too much into it (not to mention the powerlessness at not being able to follow up on the person aside from possibly PMing them, but even that depends on their ability to be able to reply).

Anyway, this is my long-winded way of saying that I am sorry if I have contributed in any way to your feelings of fear, anger or abandonment. I really do have a sense of responsibility and committment to the relationships here. FWIW, there are a whole bunch of people in my "real" life who are getting ignored and shortchanged right now also. It's not about how much I care right now, it's about having to allocate my resources to meet my responsibilities. Just so happens that right now, work is way up on the scale.

And I have been in and out of enough relationships in my life to know that relationships have seasons. Some last for a lifetime, some for only a time. But we are enriched and learn from all of them and always take with us what we share with each other. The reason we can't avoid getting hurt here, is that we can't avoid getting hurt anywhere. One of the hardest things I had to learn in therapy was to give up my quest for the place safe place in which I would never know hurt again. That was impossible. What was possible was to learn to bear the hurts, talk about them, repair them, and continue. My safety now lies in knowing I can face whatever happens, even knowing that some of it will be painful. Which has freed me up to be open to so much that is good, joyful and life-affirming. (sorry didn't mean to climb up on my soapbox.)

I am so glad you choose to speak of your hurt and confusion and anger. That's what you're supposed to do in a healthy relationship. And even happier that you experienced connection and understanding which helped comfort you.

To one more time quote my T "Pain is an inevitable part of life, but love is the answer to the pain." This is a good place to learn it.

Even when you don't see me around, please know you're not forgotten at all.

AG

TN: It is so good to hear from you though I wish it were under better circumstances. I'm sorry that you are continuing to have so much trouble with your T and finding another one to work with or at least be an adjunct to your T. I understood why you left and I think most here did and don't blame you in the least. I know that I still miss you even though your reason for leaving was a good one. I can also tell you that I've thought of you so much, especially the day that I had the last rupture with my T and I felt your story and found myself sitting on the street in my car sobbing as well and could totally see exactly how you found yourself in the spot you were in. I hope that doesn't upset you or cause you more pain for me to say that. Anyway, I think of you often and hope that you are able to find peace and healing.

AG: Well said, as usual. Miss you too, but understand that life gets busy.

It seems much slower around here this past week. Maybe I am just noticing it more because I'm in a needy place right now. I hope that everyone will continue to contribute as they are able and to the extent that they are comfortable with.

MH - not everyone has the courage to speak out I'm glad you do! I myself have been having a rough time of it lately so I haven't posted much. I know I should be expressing myself more here but it freaks me out to really write stuff down. I have always been afraid of having my personal stuff seen that Writing is almost impossible for me. I know that no one here really knows who I am but the thought that someone might figure it out has kept me a bit distant. Anyway, those are my reasons for not really being around as of late. I'm sorry if this has caused anyone distress - I certainly haad no intention of doing that.

Smiley

I just wanted to comment on this thread. I still consider myself a newbie and I find it difficult to post because sometimes I don't know what to say. I just may offer my support and tell the person I thinking about them. I try to think what I would want to hear if I was having a hard time with something. I did get a bit freaked when I thought my T would somehow identify me. I've have gotten over that, thanks to everyone on the forum.
I'm still around and will keep posting. My T. is still on vacation so I'm kind of keeping a low profile but that doesn't have anything to do with anybody on this forum. I have learned so much since joining like WOW "these things happen to other people".
I guess what I'm trying to say is I am still learning and plan on being around. I'm still waiting until AG quits her day job so she can be everybody's T.

PG

Hi MH,

Thanks for posting about this. It's good food for thought. Reading others' responses helps, too and it's good to know I'm not alone in this stuff.

MTF

MH,
No problem, I really didn't think you were upset with me, just wanted to weigh in on an excellent topic and to offer reassurance about the level of commitment. And just for the record, not feeling any need to move on for two reasons. One is that therapy isn't over just because therapy is over. One of the things I learned in therapy is that we don't stop learning. There's still PLENTY of room for growth for me, and the support here is really helpful for that. And my second reason is that, along with the phone line, I feel like this is a place where I can use what I learned to try and help others as I have been helped. I can't absolutely promise that there might not come a time when I go, but I can promise that I will not leave without plenty of notice and time to process and say goodbye. Thank you for wanting me to stay.

PG,
You're really too kind.

AG

((MH)) No problems here.

Smiley

I have missed Dragonfly so much that I did a search to find her latest post and it is on this thread that I found it. I am so glad to have an explanation for her sudden disappearance and hope she is finding support beyond this forum if coming here is too difficult for her to do right now.

I've gained a little insight from each of you on the pro's and con's of online forums and cyber friendships. I also see how we can take what we learn here in regards to starting and maintaining relationships in to our 'real' world relationships. If we were to make a list of all that we are learning about ourselves in relationship and a list of how to keep a healthy perspective of them we would discover this venue is an education beyond learning how to make our counseling experience effective.

AG:

quote:

I try to be careful to let people know when I can't post or I need to take a break or I'm going to be away on vacation.

I appreciate her thoughtfulness on this and have wondered how I can grow in this area. I don't always have the forethought nor insight to know that I will need to take a break until I realize a week or two have passed and I have missed dozens of threads and have not made a single comment. Of course, I also realize I am too new for anyone to notice my silence and am drowning too much in my own pain to offer helpful support very often. I am grateful for this forum and all who come here and share about their journey in therapy. I have learned a great deal and will probably never know the depth of impact you have all had on my life.

MH, thank you for starting this thread. It is valuable. I hope any newbies will not feel intimidated by the relationships already established here and will see this open forum as a safe place where they will feel welcomed.

deeplyrooted

Deeplyrooted

quote:

Of course, I also realize I am too new for anyone to notice my silence and am drowning too much in my own pain to offer helpful support very often. I am grateful for this forum and all who come here and share about their journey in therapy.

Aw I am sorry if I've not realised that you were absent and hurting so ((((deeplyrooted))) that's really hard for you. What I have learned from this forum, amongst so many other valuable things, is that we are all human and yet only human. So we are all different and post and share at different levels and in different ways. Some are able to seemingly bear their soul, yet others have to withdraw at the very time they hurt the most. Don't fret about not posting for a week or so, you can only post when it is right for you DR. I think everybody would understand that, just like you would And I need to say that when you do post you show a wonderful care and empathy, and I have really appreciated your thoughts.

Hug from me,

starfishy

I haven't been on here much lately (though I don't consider myself one of the seasoned members) and my reasons are very simple.

When I come here and see a thread, usually there have been a myriad of responses to it (sometimes nearing 100) and I feel that I have nothing original to contribute. Also, frankly, trying to read through 50+ responses is stressful. By the time I'm finished not only do I feel I have nothing original to contribute, but I'm completely emotionally drained.

I feel guilty when I start a post about my own problems; I'm being selfish since I can't contribute to others threads and then I expect people to help me with my minor issues?? That isn't very fair of me.

It's nice to see you all again though.