My T better know when my birthday is because I talk about it all the time….

Example:
Me: GUESS WHAT! Only 7 months till my 20th birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: That’s still a long ways away.
Me: SHUT UP!

But I have been thinking about this because my b-day is a month away and it’s the day before my session… I kind of feel like I should maybe go on Thursday or wait till the next week. I don’t expect for him to automatically know my birthday… I’m sure he doesn’t have time to memorize every single one of his clients birthdays and then never forget a single one. MH- Have you ever just said “Oh ya, it was my birthday a couple days ago?” Or do you just not say anything at all?

Hey MH, think you can find out when my T's bday is?

I've never gotten a bday card or Christmas card from my T but I give him a Christmas card every year with a picture of my family in it. I'm cracking up about Maclove's conversation, but I'm not much better! Two years ago my T went on vacation during the week of my birthday, and I even told him "Okay, no cupcake for you!"

~D.

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All the years i was with my T and not once did we get a birthday card or even a happy birthday!

That is really sad! Cuz you were with her for, what, 15 years? And if you had dropped hints...it just seems a bit too detached, like she would be purposely pretending she didn't remember. I would say "Happy Birthday" to a stranger if I knew about it. It just seems to me like a natural human response.

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I can't imagine trying to keep all of the birthdays of how many ever clients she has straight. It would be hard!

I suppose my T would claim that excuse too. Maybe she feels if she honors one, she has to honor all? But I disagree. Not all of her clients are in for the long haul. Those of us who are, are a bit "special" in my book.

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I am really tempted to bring my favorite cake of all time and share it with T on that day.

Oh, what a grand idea! Thanks! I can take leftover cake to my session and rub it in.

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I suppose my T would claim that excuse too. Maybe she feels if she honors one, she has to honor all? But I disagree. Not all of her clients are in for the long haul. Those of us who are, are a bit "special" in my book.

I'm not saying you are wrong for wanting it. I completely understand wanting to be acknowledged and feel special. I think there is definitely an argument to be made for what you are saying. I think I try not to let it matter because if it isn't acknowledged then it is painfully obvious that I'm just another client and I don't want to feel that so I just pretend I don't care.

Birthdays.... makes me sad right now. Three years with oldT and three birthdays... all so different.

First year my birthday was on a Wednesday not a usual therapy night for me or my son but the week before on our usual Thursday night with my son my T asked if we could do a Wednesday night the following week. I sort of hesitated because I knew my family wanted to celebrate that night but when he said he was not there on Thursday I said... oh heck why not spend some of my birthday with the man who was so very important to me and I said to him that would be okay and I hesitated because it would be my birthday. He smiled widely and said ooohhhh your birthday.....got it. And so we left. The following week he remembered and teased my son about it being a special night for a special person. When I left for the evening he wished me a very happy birthday and to enjoy my evening.

The following year my birthday was on a Thursday which was our meeting day during summer months. I was off from work and it was a gorgeous summer day. I dropped my son at camp and picked up some donuts and headed over to his office. I don't think he remembered it was my birthday and we sat happily munching donuts when he asked me if I was off from work that day and I said yes because it's my birthday. He then realized why I brought the donuts and wished me a happy birthday. We had a wonderful session and I brought a special book I had just read (a novel) and I wanted to share some passages with him because it resonated with me back to my childhood. He told me that I picked the "golden nuggets" from the book and he enjoyed hearing my thoughts. As I got up to leave still chatting by his door he reached out for me and gave me a nice, long hug! Our first hug. It was such a surprise and I was shocked only having dared to shake his hand after a year of therapy. So a hug was almost unimaginable to me. I told him I was surprised and he said he thought it was a good moment to offer one (we had discussed hugs previously and I had told him I would be receptive to them and not feel like he was doing anything abusive). I told him it was wonderful because I didn't even have to ask.

This year's birthday was quite different. We didnt' have a session scheduled but the day before we had an awful session with him telling me I should find a new trauma T etc. I left him quite upset and scared that day and that evening he called and left a voicemail message asking how I was and wishing me a very happy birthday the next day. So I have this on vm now but... the next day he called to check on me (I didn't return his call) and I was sobbing hysterically on the phone with him terrified of termination. He told me he wanted to see me that afternoon to talk and so I went in to see him. I was there for 90 minutes and it was a very rough scary session and he looked so angry with me. As I was finally leaving he handed me a bag with a food item in it that he knows I love and he wished me a happy birthday again. He hugged me twice and shook my hand and told me he would not allow me to leave unless he was convinced I would be safe. And so I left with my little bag.

My next birthday will be on a Saturday and I will not be in session for it, thankfully. I don't think I could bear to spend it with a newT with such memories of past birthdays with my beloved T who I will forever miss.

TN

Hi MH,

I'm sorry your T didn't pick up on your comment last year about your upcoming birthday.

I was just thinking about this subject. I saw my T on Monday, and my birthday is this Saturday, so I thought about mentioning it to her, but decided not to. I don't think I mentioned it to her last year, either. She happened to mention hers as part of a story she told me once, so I know it's in March...but I don't know if I'll say anything when it comes around.

Unlike you, though, I do not have what I would call any attachment symptoms with her...and I still don't know if that's a "good thing" or a "bad thing"...I only seem to have those feelings when the T is a man...but if I were experiencing transference or attachment with her, I would definitely care a whole lot more about being wished Happy Birthday, and what the hugs "mean", and a whole lot more besides.

I'm sorry this hurts so much...my heart really goes out to you. This whole therapy relationship thing, especially its lopsided nature, is so weird and freaking painful sometimes. Maybe I don't bring up the birthday subject because I don't want to get hurt? It's taken a while just to get used to doing a hug before I leave. The hugs started after a session where I really cried hard about something. We've been ending with a hug almost every time ever since then...and yet, I can't really say I'm even comfortable with that. I don't know why.

Maybe it's because of how strange the therapy relationship really is. I tell her such intimate things about myself...yet I know very little about her. It's as if the world goes swirling by and we are stopped in the midst of it all, mainly so I can try to get my bearings about what goes on outside of therapy. It's so one-sided that it's hard to know where the hugs fit into it.

I'm sorry, MH, I'm not making much sense...you've tapped into something that's been bugging me in the background for a long time...I appreciate your question because what it's bringing up in me seems important...but this probably isn't very helpful to you.

I think I'll just end with saying...Happy Birthday, MH!! (I know it's not nearly as good as your T saying it but I still wanted to say it)

SG

Don't have much to add, since I try not to really care about my birthday...

But, by the way, MH...Happy upcoming Birthday!!! Eat some cake for me!

BB

Thanks MH. Happy birthday to you. Didn't mean to drag down your thread. I'm in a very dark place today. Not sure I'll ever come out of here.

Yeah sometimes it's better to have no memories than painful awful ones. The good ones make the bad ones seem that much worse.

I do hope though that you can find some nice memories ... maybe not T related... for your bithday and all the ones to come.

Thanks for the hugs and sending some your way...

TN

Happy almost-Birthday, MH!

My birthday is in a couple of weeks, and I have thought about it aready -- with respect to therapy. For the second consecutive year, it falls on my appointment night. I happened (?) to bring it up last year, and he did react like oh-yeah-he-forgot, but I didn't believe it for a minute! But he was fun and gracious, after trying to find out if I was happy or sad about it. I know that clients bring him stuff for Christmas and other times. But I have yet to have a T or P acknowledge a birthday or Christmas in any way, shape or form. It is a weird and lopsided relationship. We're the ones shelling out all the money, and somehow still feel moved to acknowledge their b-days and/or Christmas or whatever we celebrate or moves us.

I love the idea of the donuts (he loves donuts) and may steal the idea! But if we celebrate, it will for sure only happen if I instigate it. I'm still thinking about what I want to do about it.

I don't know his birthday - but (shhhhh) I do know his wife's and kids'! HAHAHAHA. He would tell me if I asked. But I don't feel like giving him the satisaction just yet. He discloses a lot and talks too much about himself. So, I am careful to keep him on track, especially when I need him to be.

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It is a weird and lopsided relationship. We're the ones shelling out all the money, and somehow still feel moved to acknowledge their b-days and/or Christmas or whatever we celebrate or moves us.

So true, so true. It's backwards! Aren't we paying them to be interested in us? If money won't even buy me a birthday wish from my T, I can feel extremely rejected and worthless. However, I've also tried the entitlement approach "you owe me..(fill in the blank...information or action of some kind)..because I'm paying you!" Unfortunately, it has never worked with my T.

Curious Drifty, how it is that you know your T's wife and kids b-days but not his own?

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I'm using this line as an excuse for unacceptable behavior for the rest of my life, I love it!

Oh, I didn't even think of that! Great idea! Yeah, but I'm not sure this assignment is going to be that fun. The gauge I'm supposed to use in choosing my violations is how uncomfortable it makes me feel. One of the examples he gave is asking an elderly person to give up their seat for you. It's just not something you can do without feeling really bad inside, KWIM?

MH - it was a google thing. Someplace they shared that info, but he kept mum. He has the lowest google profile know to T'dom. But I have found other sources.

He also lets it drop sometimes that it was a b-day at home and what drama happened. I find that most things I have labored to learn, he has ended up telling me!

Happy almost Birthday to SG & MH. I hope both of your days are filled with happiness!

I used to make sure that I set up my May session with my P on my birthday as long as it was on a week day. If not I would set it up as close as possible. He maybe said something once or twice but thats because I usually gave hints....or he would remember because me and his secretary had the same birthday so she and I would make a big deal out of it. I would bring her a rose in her favorite color and she would always have a Dr. Pepper waiting for me :-) cause I was addicted to soda. So when he noticed those things around he would say something.

But even if he wouldnt say something I still wanted to be in session on my birthday. I wanted to share that day with him whether he knew what was going on or not. I wish I could get a card or something from him on my birthday and christmas.

I have only sent him a christmas card one time and that was the year my son was born and I was very nervous about it but he never said anything.

every birthday I am not with my P I just want to call him so bad or try to find some reason to contact him just to have that connection, which often works sense my biological mom has the same bday as me and I can basically come up with something sad surrounding that which my P would let me call him over

And I do get that he has lots of patients and cant remember every single one but I still like to believe I am his favorite and most important patient so if he is going to remember anyones it should be mine

MH...whenever I'm in the mood for social norm violation, I just take my kids out somewhere! That should do the trick! It's especially fun to sit in Starbucks with them, actually. Next to some rich lawyer type who is working away on his laptop and sipping latte. I highly recommend it...as long as it's not one in your immediate neighborhood! If you want to be especially annoying, you can shush them constantly and loudly.

Happy Forum Anniversary! And ahppy birthday SG and MH!

BB

Happy belated B'day SG and MH. I hope it was especially great

Last June - I saw my T on my birthday. I told him it was my birthday. He responded by saying, "I am 57." So incredibly odd. I did not know what to say- so I dropped it.
A week later- I asked him if he has trouble acknowledging birthdays, he said, "only his own." So I asked him- why did you not wish me a Happy birthday last week when I told you it was my birthday. He said he did not hear that. It was his birthday too and he thought I was acknowledging his.
They don't always listen, and they can be weird too.

glad to give you a giggle, draggers!