Hi Jillann,

I had the same compliments, the same thoughts, the same scenario, and there is no straightforward manual. It's a hard journey, but there is a journey.

Step 1 to get out of denial is going to sound impossible: throw away your scale. If that is a step you can do on your own, congratulations! If that is a step that you have every excuse to not complete, then I would point to that as a sign that something is wrong. If you can't stop on your own, you are not in control of the monster that is the eating disorder and you do need help.

Sometimes, you stay in denial even in IP. When you have a comparison, when you do get help to restore healthy behaviors, you will see what your T sees. The path, though, is far from direct and denial is honestly nothing to feel badly about. It doesn't have to be a rock bottom to turn things around, but we do eventually find something to turn things around.

Throw away my scale

I could never do that.

I think the fact that people are telling you that you look great and asking what diet plan you are on is evidence that society as a whole is crazy. We are collectively in denial about our cultural issues with body image and gender and also about how many children are being mistreated. You are just the tip of a very big flame, but the tip is the place where the flame burns hottest.

Whether or not your weight is currently in a normal range, you are already in the process of starving to death or the professionals in your life would not be voicing the alarm that they are. If your own mind isn't clear then it might be a good time to rely on these people who care about you, are paid to help you and who are being very adamant in their advice. Eating disorders are very dangerous, the longer they progress the more risk you are in, and I do think you should do inpatient treatment ASAP. That is my five cents.

(((Jillann))) I always say "never underestimate the power of human denial." It's incredible what we are capable of not knowing, if knowing it feels too threatening.

So this how I cope with denial:

1) Recognize that I am human and like all human beings, I also have my blind spots. If we could see them, we wouldn't call them "blind" spots.

2) Find trustworthy people to reflect back to me that which I am incapable of seeing. For me that list includes my T, my husband, and a few trusted friends.

So would you normally trust the people on your treatment team? Does it make sense that they would have any agenda other than your well-being? These questions are important because it's also not healthy to just trust unquestioningly. But from what you have said, these are people you trust.

3) If I am being told by people I trust, what am I defending against? I know you do not want to go inpatient and leave your kids, but as difficult as that might be, we're talking logistics for a few weeks. What do you give up emotionally by admitting you need help with your eating?

Since you have so many people speaking to you about this: your T, your Pdoc, your GP, your nutritionist, your dentist and your hairdresser (frankly, I'd really trust my hairdresser ), there seems to be a very good chance that you are in denial about the fact that you are harming your health. The only thing you have to place against that is your internal feelings (and denial is a symptom of an ED, as well as depression) and the opinions of people who do not know you well in a culture that views being skinny, usually to an unhealthy degree, as really attractive. You are determining what will happen during your day, how you will care for yourself based on a number given to you by a machine. I don't care what you weight, that does not affect your worth one iota, or your right to be cared for, even by yourself (and I say this as someone who is really struggling to see myself as worthwhile even though I am seriously, morbibly overweight).

4) So if I can identify that the people reflecting to me are trustworthy, that their agenda is about caring for me, and that I am scared of what will happen if I agree with them, that gives me a pretty strong sense of my own denial. At which point, I try to make the difficult decision to recognize that in this particular circumstance my feelings are not a good reflection of reality and I choose to trust the people around me and act "as if" what they are saying is true.

So, what would it be like for you to decide to go for inpatient care, knowing you do NOT feel like you need it, but trusting that people you trust think you do, and committing to the program. At the end of the treatment, you should be clearer about whether you needed it. Our feelings follow our actions, not the other way around. If we choose to act, despite our feelings, they eventually come around. Wrote a post about this: Bass Ackwards.

It's really scary to do this Jillann, to step out in faith, on someone else's say so. I don't know about you but trusting authority figures as a child didn't work out so well, so to choose to do so now can feel incredibly dangerous and stupid. Especially since I have worked so very hard to find my own voice. So what do you mean I need to put aside my own beliefs right now? But sometimes that's what the situation calls for. But you have the insight to examine the situation and see if you being in denial fits all the facts. If it does, then act as if you're in denial, even if you can't see it. It's the only way to break the power of denial. I am sorry this is so hard, I have been where you are, and I know how crazy it can feel.

Hi Jillann

I've been in a similar position a few years ago. It's hard to listen to those who care about you (your T for a start) and sometimes the thinner you get the fatter you feel (at least that is what often happens to me in one of those cycles). It doesn't help when some people think that 'thin' is good either (and my BMI was too low).

Get help - despite how you feel about it. And then, yeah - throw away the scales. I now never weigh myself (it just triggers it all), I'm not big, but I'm no longer underweight (UK size 10). I eat healthy and I go running (but not 15 miles at a time to pay for eating an apple...).

Wishing you well (in all senses)

Sapphire-blue

((Jillann))
Denial is the food that feeds these disorders. And it isn't easy to move past it. It's a process. One of the ways I was able to sneak peeks around it was thinking about how I would feel if one of my children or my mother or friend was doing what I was doing. That helped me give myself a glimpse of the damage I was doing to myself.

And I will share this - I have had heart attacks. 4 of them. yes four. And a small stroke. And some mild seizure activity from my eating disorder. I have osteoporosis and have suffered broken ribs (from coughing) on 3 occasions, a broken foot, and a broken hand (twice). I've had broken fingers and broken toes. I have problems with my esophagus and have reflux. The reflux has led to pneumonia several times.
This is a life altering disorder if it's not treated.

yes I have thrown out my scales. The ones I used to weigh myself frantically and the ones I used to weigh my food. I cut the tags that show the size of my clothing out of my clothes.

(((Jillann)))

From Lucy:

quote:

One of the ways I was able to sneak peeks around it was thinking about how I would feel if one of my children or my mother or friend was doing what I was doing. That helped me give myself a glimpse of the damage I was doing to myself.

That was my thought too. The only way I've ever been able to step out of my view of things is to imagine if I would let someone I love take the same treatment I'm allowing for myself. If there is a difference in what advice I would give them, that's my best indication that I need to re-evaluate what advice I'm giving myself.

Dear Friends thank you all for responding to my desperate plea for understanding. I keep reading and rereading your responses. Slowly, oh so slowly, they and the facts of my life are starting to break through my denial.

((Pengs)) you are so right. I am all alone in my head. It is somewhat bizzare to have all these people telling I'm hurting myself, more people telling me I look great, and me just wanting to fade into the woodwork and not be noticed by anyone at all.

((FMW)) you are so smart for someone so young. At this moment I could not imagine getting rid of my scale. That has been my confidant, my riduler, my captor, my cheerleader. It has defined my life for the last 40 years. I have a long way to go before I could imagine life without a scale.

((BLT)) I truly agree with you that our society is scary out of control with that which we venerate.

((AG)) such a very well thought out and communicated reply. So I went through step by step.
Yes, contrary to my wishes, I am only human (wish I had superpowers and could fly!). I do have blind spots.
Yes my treatment team are trustworthy people with no reason to tell me this stuff other than for my best interest.
So yes I am trying to accept that what they are saying is true. I did read your blog post and I see what you are saying.

((SB)) thanks so much for understanding. The more weight I lose the more aware I am of my size. I'm not consumed with needing to weigh a certain weight of be a certain size but by the act of losing weight itself. That is dangerous in that there is no end.

((AH)) That is the tactic T has taken with me from the beginning. Would I treat my children the way I teat myself? No I wouldn't but somehow in my mind they deserve much better treatment than I do.

((lucy)) I needed to read and reread your post multiple times. I needed to let that information permeate into my being. I am so sorry of the health effects you now suffer from your ED. I need to believe that that will be me if I continue. My father has always been very concerned with weight. He put me on my first diet when I was 8 years old. About 10 years ago he married (my parents were divorced 20 years ago) a woman who was extremely thin. She has had horrible health problems most of their marriage that appear to be related to her anorexic lifestyle. My dad was telling me that last time I spoke with him that he didn't sign up for this but I beg to differ with him. He sure did. T says this is life showing me what will happen to me.

DH came to my last therapy session and I filled him in on what has been going on. Needless to say it was an emotionally gut wrenching session but DH was wonderful. T was right, he knew more than I thought and was worried but just didn't know what to do or say. Since that session I can feel some of my walls of denial crumbling. All these people wouldn't be so worried about me if there wasn't a reason to be worried. DH was ready to take me to the hospital right away. He has a business trip planned next week and I didn't want him to have to change that. So I will be admitted to the parital hospitalization program on Feb 3rd. I will keep you all updated. Thanks so much for all the caring thoughtful responses.

Jillann

Jillian, I am late in responding as well. I am new to the forum and have already found myself so thankful for it.

Thank you for posting and for sharing your struggle. It requires the same sort of bravery, I think, that going to therapy requires--maybe more sometimes. I am especially grateful for you and Lucy sharing your stories because I tend to develop struggles with eating when I start to get stressed out. It's hard not to. My T annoys me by checking with me about. Your stories help me understand why she is doing that.

My very best to you. Please take good care of yourself. I hope that, little by little, you can decide what that means to you and act on it.

I'm really happy Jillann that your hubby was so supportive. And I'm relieved to hear that you will be going in soon. It's a brave step you're taking.
It's absolutely awful that your father had you dieting so young and I'm very sorry you went through that.
I can't tell you enough how often I wish I didn't take my ED so far. How much I wish I took advantage of the help that was offered to me before I did any damage.
Yes, please keep us updated - I'll be thinking about you