Hi mlc!
It's good to hear from you again!
I've been wondering how you're doing.
Your question is a really good one. There is an article recommended by AG in another thread that addresses all the questions you asked. It is kind of technical, though, and I don't know if you like reading technical papers.
The whole article is about dependency in therapy. It describes what dependency is, the difference between secure and insecure dependency, active and passive dependency, how it relates to attachment, how it can be beneficial and even necessary to healing, and how it can become negative or "too much". It also emphasizes how important it is for the therapist to keep their balance in all of this so as not to cause more harm. And it also emphasizes that "too much" dependency needs to be defined specifically for each patient-therapist relationship.
You said that your fear is preventing you from trusting your T. One point this article makes is that too little healthy dependency can get in the way of progress just as much as too much, or unhealthy, dependency. So it is good that you're going to discuss this with your T.
Here is the link to the article:
Dependency in the Treatment of Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder & Dissociative DisordersThis article is also near and dear to my heart because it helps me understand what possibly happened in the relationship with my former T. I think he was trying to practice these principles, in that he didn't want my dependency to become an "obstacle".
It is reassuring to see that I had (and still have) all the "beneficial manifestations" of dependency (cooperation, active help-seeking, and positive attachment to the therapist) and none of the "negative manifestations" (a sense of entitlement, extreme demanding behavior, and high degree of neediness that cannot be processed or contained).
But the article also says "If the therapist responds erratically or with detachment or enmeshment, dependency will increase further rather than resolve, since unpredictable responsiveness prolongs dependency."
My former T was SO erratic and detached, and unpredictable. I believe it was because he was SO afraid that I would develop these negative manifestations of dependency. This made me fearful and prolonged my insecure dependency, which for me manifests itself in excessive independency. For some reason he couldn't see that I had all the positive (and none of the negative) manifestations. I don't know why. But it helps me to let go of what happened because I can see that he was just trying to do the right thing. And walking this fine line has got to be really, really tough for the therapist because each person is different. What works for one won't necessarily work for the next.
Here are some excerpts from the paper that describe the principles I just referred to, so you can see them in context (in case I'm misinterpreting them - I'm always afraid of that). I've bolded the sentences that seem to address your question so they stand out a little more, especially "beneficial manifestations" and "negative manifestations" of active dependency, and "positive aspects" and "negative aspects" of passive dependency.
A Working Definition of Dependency "...Dependency is not confined to a particular developmental phase, but changes in nature and expression from cradle to grave. It varies in intensity and manifestations according to situational and interpersonal factors, and to alterations in the individual's capacity for higher levels of integrative activity that normally promote balanced levels of interdependency, intimacy, and autonomy.
Insecure dependency tends to be expressed as excessive dependency or excessive independency. Dissociative patients will often exhibit a mix of the two types.
Dependency may be active or passive (Bornstein, 1995).
Beneficial manifestations of active dependency in therapy include cooperation, active help-seeking, and positive attachment to the therapist; this may be true of both secure and insecure dependency.
Negative manifestations include a sense of entitlement, extreme demanding behavior, and high degree of neediness that cannot be processed or contained. These behaviors are considered negative because they are not adaptive, generally creating a situation in which attachment figures withdraw. Such negative behaviors are indications of insecure attachment, and thus indicative of the need for secure attachment.
Passive dependency includes helplessness, positive or negative submissive behaviors, passivity, indecision, and general suggestibility (although the type of suggestibility has not been specifically defined in the literature, and may be an important factor to consider in treatment of dependency).
Positive aspects include compliance and positive suggestibility. Negative aspects of passive dependency include inability to act, indecision, and global suggestibility. We propose that both active and passive dependency are designed to attain secure attachment that promotes activation and balance of the daily life emotional systems of the individual, and are especially activated when an important relationship with a care taking figure seems threatened (Bornstein, 1995), or when separation anxiety otherwise occurs, inducing panic and a subsequent separation call (Panksepp, 1998)."
Caveats Regarding Dependency in Psychotherapy"Although we attempt to normalize the concept of dependency in this paper, we are mindful of the extraordinary difficulties that may arise in managing the extreme and maladaptive dependency behaviors sometimes displayed by chronically traumatized patients. There are valid caveats reported in the literature regarding dependency: most of them are directed toward excessive dependency, but they may also apply to excessive independency. Management of dependency requires an exquisite and skilled balance of maintaining maladaptive dependent behaviors within a therapeutic window of tolerance for the therapist and patient. If this does not occur, there are a number of potentially disastrous outcomes. For example, Balint (1968), who supported regression in therapy for deeply troubled patients, wisely questioned
"how much dependency constitutes a good starting point for successful therapy, and when does it turn into an obstacle?" (p. 40). Janet (1897/98) also indicated
there must be a balance of dependency on the therapist, with the therapist initially taking a more active role in guidance, and gradually decreasing it as the patient is ready. In fact, this principle guides many forms of directive therapy.
Excessive dependency or counterdependency sometimes has the potential to heighten disruptions and maladaptive behaviors both in and out of therapy. They create a high possibility for suicide, especially if the therapist does not properly accept and deal with the patient's insecure dependency (Modestin, 1987; Gunderson, 1996). The patient may experience severe deterioration in functioning, self-destructive acts, and disintegration (Gunderson, 1996; Linehan, 1993; Modell, 1985; Van Sweden, 1995). Too much reliance (and
"too much" should be defined therapeutically for each patient/therapist dyad) can lead to an increase in insecure dependency behaviors (Birthnell, 1997; Bornstein, 1994; 1995; 1998a, b; Klein, 1937/75), and temporary or no gains in treatment (Gunderson, 1996; Janet, 1897/98; Steele & Van der Hart, 1997; Van der Hart & Friedman, 1989).
On the other hand, a patient who cannot depend on the therapist at all is not likely to progress either. The activation of dependency means increased demands on the therapist by the patient, sometimes for immediate gratification, leading to strong countertransference pressures (Van Sweden, 1995).
If the therapist responds erratically or with detachment or enmeshment, dependency will increase further rather than resolve, since unpredictable responsiveness prolongs dependency (Main, 1990). Finally, the therapist must be aware that at times dependency and counterdependency can serve as a resistance to grieving and working through (Kernberg, 1975, 1984; Stark, 1995; Van Sweden, 1995)."
