(((Cat)))

I find dissociation really hard. So I know what you mean with - in space somewhere. But glad that you are safe. That is a progress...

What do you see there in Space?

Big hugs, hon. Take it easy on you. Love.

Take care, enjoy the kitten. People will be around to connect when you are ready again.

Hugs.

We will be here for you.

Hey Cat... enjoy the new kitten and know we will be here when you are ready to return.

thinking of you
TN

I honestly feel like I am going crazy.

PTSD out of control. It all seems to make sense to everyone else around me. That it is normal reactions. A trauma issue.

I missed (ran out) my night terror Meds for two nights, it was awful.

the past three weeks have ran together, the past week especially. I was safely put of my house for two nights and the second I returned and walked through the door I had anxiety, feeling dizzy, suicidal, foggy. The anxiety hasn't ended and I'm worried about a panic attack.

I wouldn't even know why.

There are so many triggers right now but I don't know what they are. Not to make light but how I remember stuff right now is like a bad drunken college party night. Everything I say is remembered and interpreted by me later as a drunk dial, and any time I "get back" from a dissociated state feels like that moment the day after where you think "How'd I get here (home) and why am I wearing my friend's shoes?"

Sigh. It's like that except I am so scared. I feel like I'm buried alive, or in a glass box that is filling with water and I could move, but don't or can't. I am so lost. Even this right now I will read a few hours later and barely remember writing it and not relate. The way I am supposed to cope is just continuing as I am. Sigh... I wish I had money there is such a good trauma treatment facility not too far away I could go to for a few weeks. I can do my life I just need a babysitter so i dont hurt myself in some way in a way and a very gentle low stress environment.

My adult self has a pretty nice non-verbal middle finger to give my "pre-verbal" stuff. It will get better just wanted everyone to know I'm still crazy.

Thanks for listening, loving, being...

Hey you! We are still here, everything's just normal and bumbling along. Wish I could just quietly hold your hand for a while. And bake some stuff together, go do some grocery shopping or something. Thinking about you heaps and I'm really glad you are able to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I really wish you had some respite too. I think you're completely not crazy but your brain is doing what it needs to do to get back to an equilibrium. Keep staying safe, we love you and you're doing great.

Hi Cat,

I've been thinking about you. Good to see you post. I'm sorry you are struggling so. Just know there are lots of people here thinking about you.

Jillann

(((jones))) you have such a way of making me feel warm and fuzzy from wherever you are.

((jill))

((everyone))

How do you get motivation to do anything? From Friday - today I... have laid on my floor, just giving in to giving up. As if I'll dissolve. It feels like I've ran a marathon and my knees have given out right before the finish line and I just lay down and give up. I'm the sort of person that would spring up and finish, even if it was last.

I can't seem to get myself up, clean, to do anything. It feels like depression big time, I did have a med increase last week which my P said should be felt in a week (so... a couple days). I'm not sure if the medication is perhaps making it worse, or if I am just in a ditch.

I really feel helpless and it's even worse that I KNOW I'm being helpless. I feel like I do need someone... with me. Not to protect me but to literally hold me up for a bit... like a good friend would hold your hair back on an interesting night.

Thanks for listening. I am just so lethargic and confused. Drinking water is an effort, remembering anything is an effort

Hi Cat...both li'l one and I are just coming out of our last "descent into the pit" and we understand exactly how you feel right now. Big Kid started a new job a few weeks ago and then got terribly triggered but not sure by what. Big Kid couldn't add two and two if her life depended on it. We woke up with our glass already full of anxiety, panic and despair. Just showering and getting ready for work felt like we already put in a full day. Just hearing a few notes of a song would send us into a fit of tears, no matter where we were. But, after the increase in depression meds, we feel like we're slowly coming out of the fog. I guess what we're trying to say is as lousy as we felt for a few weeks, it DOES get better.

Thinking of you,

The Kid and li'l one

(((Cat))) I completely understand what you mean... Am sending some hair-stroking through the ether. You sound exhausted and I know when I have felt like that it has been hard to believe it will pass but it did.
Take care xx

((TK and lO))

((Iris))

Thank you both for understanding and believing it will pass.

I'm up again almost all night Need to be up for work in an hour anyway so riding it out.

Feeling more conscious today but I think it's because I have my work-self engaged and generally her brain is not full of fluff. Though, my coworkers may debate that.

Cat

I am thinking of you Cat and hoping that as each day passes, you get a tiny bit of relief. You are strong, you are smart. This will not last forever and you will get through this stronger. I have faith and hope! Give yourself a break..as much as you can..be kind to yourself during this time.,,no judging yourself, you don't deserve that. You are doing the best you can. You will get through this.

((erica)) thank you so much for your kind words they helped. today i'm feeling... grounded. i did a somatic activity to help my home feel okay (because i keep having anxiety in here, and somatic trauma issues that make everything else worse... sigh).

my feelings change every couple of seconds. dissociation so my team of professionals believe. something got triggered and segregated (compartmentalized) me a lot and adjusting back to that system isn't working. it's like i had 10 boxes of different types of toys (cars, dolls, legos, etc) and in therapy for a while i was getting everything (still organized, i'm not an ANIMAL!) in to one toy box - maybe 4-5 of each thing made it in there. then i got scared and everything was supposed to get out of the big toybox and go back... except some things got confused and i have a stray barbie or a lego block in the wrong box.

not sure if that makes sense.

we could just use a simpler example... i had marbles, then i lost them. all of them. actually, i have negative marbles - i lost mine and THEN some internal mafia is shaking me down for more.