Scott,
Sorry, I totally get the not keen on Christmas, it can stir up so much. And since its your b'day, I'm sure you get that in a way I can't begin to fathom.

I've always wondered what that would be like for you being a male in a female body. I'd like to understand if you want to talk about it. Of course, being female myself, males can be a bit of a mystery.

If it helps at all, when I was integrating my trauma memories, there was a part of me that was a 12 year old boy named Tommy whose job it was to protect me from getting hurt again. He was the part of me that had a really hard time with trusting my therapist. Thought it was the height of stupidity. So there's a faint glimmer there.

AG

Scott, I'm not going to pretend to undertsand what its like for you to be an inside guy in a female body, but I would like to say that I'm sorry for what you must have endured in childhood and the need for you to have been created.

As for not rememebering early childhood, I'm not sure that we have lingual memories, but the body _does_ remember and gives clues through various ways. There is a book by Babette Rothchild called "The Body Remembers" that I found very interesting on the subject.

I don't know about your T, but my T says it doesn't matter if memories can be validated or not or if they are lingual or body memories, with clarity or vagueness. It's the healing from the traumatic experience that matters.
I sure hope you don't feel invalidated.

I am sorry for what you are going through and how the holiday season affects you. I sure hope one of the guys do come along and post to you too.

Your friend,
JM

I'm sorry to hear you're depressed, Scott. Holidays are hard, and it seems your birthday would add an extra layer.

My husband swears he can remember something that happened to him when he was 2. Personally I don't have any real memories of childhood. Everyone's different.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

OW

Scott,

I am sorry that you are depressed. I just went through a very serious bout of depression it's scarey.

I for one believe that you can remember things in early childhood. I remember a horse almost biting my fingers off when I was around 2. To this day I am scared of horses.

I hope you feel better soon.

Kats.

Thanks for all your support and well-wishes.

None of our immediate family (ie. parents and siblings) know about our DID. Our folks are too old to get it at this point I think, one sister doesn't believe any of us sisters suffered any sorta abuse, and the other sister has a way of 'saying things' before we are ready to disclose things.

So often I feel alone in all this.

As male as I am, most people only see me as 'the body' and female.

Dad bought 'us' a tool kit this year! I was complaining that in fixing stuff around the house I have to use the husband's tools... and as thrilled as I was to get this present, I now feel he wanted the body to be male! i always had that feeling and I tried to be as 'male' as I could for him. I guess it's a no-win for him eyh?

It doesn't quite even make sense in my own head.

Scott

Scott,
It must be difficult to not be known to your own family. I can dimly understand because I struggle with my mother and two of my siblings just not being able to see the person I am. I'm not sure who it is they think they're having a relationship with, but it's not the person that I am. It's a lonely, scary feeling that can make you feel like you're losing yourself.

And I can understand where expectations about your behavior could be contradictory and confusing. I tend to have a lot of strengths in what are traditionally considered male preserves. I have a degree in electrical engineering and I handle all our computers and home theater stuff. I love installing car radios. All a little strange for a "girl." But somewhere along the line I realized that my father had all the power in our family so being able to perform well at "male" tasks helps me to feel safer. But I pay for in feeling like I'm not a real woman sometimes, that I have a real lack of femininity. Factor that in the whole attractiveness issues I've posted about elsewhere and it gets really confusing. How do I see myself? And who do I really want to be?

I don't have any answers for you, and I know I don't understand all that you're dealing with but I really do relate to how you're feeling.

And just for the record, I have my own tool box.

I'm sorry it's so difficult for you.

AG

Scott, I'm always afraid I say something stupid that lacks understanding of your circumstances when I reply, but that makes sense to me that you tried to be everything you feel your father wanted you to be; even male. I am only recently disclosing some feelings in therapy that I have experienced my whole life and I don't know much about what it all means, but I also created a "male counter-part" to help me cope and to "feel more loved." I'm just now trying to understand this and I have no idea what it means other than it was a coping mechanism I employed at a very young age.

While I may not share all your feelings I sure hope you don't feel alone. I know I feel alone most of the time. I can be surrounded by a million friends and feel alone. It's a "yucky" feeling. But I know I like it here where I can meet with friends like "YOU all."

JM