RT I really and truly wish I could take away some of what you're feeling right now. All I can offer is a very gentle and loving cyber hug.

Thinking of you, RT. Please take care of you, okay?

The Kid

RT, I am thinking of you during this really difficult time. I got out of the zumba habit too and have been trying to reinstate some of the good habits I developed when times were not as stressful. It is very hard when life triggers a retreat back into older patterns.

I am sorry I am not that coherent but I wanted you to know that I care

I hope you can talk to your T about how you are coping tomorrow.

RT, I am sorry things have been so tough. Please be gentle with yourself right now.

Dealing with your mom's belongings is hard. After my mom mom died, I put her clothes in the trunk of my car and drove around with them for months. I didn't want to give them away and I never did. They are still in my basement sixteen years later. My father, who is quite elderly, doesn't have much time left and then my sibs and I will have to go through what you are.

You may have fallen off track for a bit, but you can start up again. Maybe a walk with your pups will start you back into an exercise mode. At the very least, watching some cute pups have fun, might lift your mood.

Again, please go easy on yourself and I am sorry.

TK, Mallard and Becca - thanks for your support. TK, you are always there with a kind word, and I appreciate it. Mallard - I think you are plenty coherent. Thanks for caring. Becca, I understand the need to hold on to certain things. When Mom died, I was transitioning to a new clothing size and most of her clothes fit me. I brought a lot home. I've gradually gotten rid of some, but there are a few I still wear. The blouse I wore to my SF's funeral was hers.

I went to my IOP aftercare group tonight and talked about what is going on. It was good to do that, but nothing takes away the sadness. There is only feeling it.

The things I need to do feel overwhelming. And when I think about all of it, I imagine the tasks like balls in the air, all ready to fall on my head. Sometimes I just want to quit. So far I haven't, but the thot doesn't go far.

I hope I can sort thru more of this with T. I realize I am feeling disconnected from her. It was so disruptive to have her gone last week, at this particular time. With her three week vacation in January and now this, I am feeling anxiety about her not being here for me. It's a really tough spot because I'm flooded with so many different emotions and I feel so alone. The time between my upcoming Thurs and next Tuesday's session scares me.

Thanks for reading.

-RT

Dear RT,

I am so sorry you are dealing with so much grief right now. I can totally identify with the feeling that all the balls are in the air ready to fall on you at any minute. I too am in the cleaning out my mom's life stage. My mom is still alive but now in memory care. I've got to get her house ready to be sold so we can use the proceeds to pay for her care. I've brought so much of her stuff back to my house that now my house is overrun with stuff and feels cluttered and messy. It is hard sorting through the remains of a life. It makes me wonder who will do this for me one day.

Please know that I am thinking about you and holding you in my heart and mind. You will get through this pain. And one day, you will feel like getting back to zumba and healthy eating. Be gentle with yourself right now.

Jillann

(((RT))) I am sorry for the pain of the grief you find yourself dealing with now. Grief is exhausting, demanding work and for people with unresolved grief from childhood like us, there is another layer of difficulty added on something that anyone would find taxing. It is more than understandable that some old, unhealthy behavior might be reasserting itself. Be compassionate with yourself and recognize your own humanity. Keep trying to make good choices in your self-care but if you slip up try to think of how you would feel about a friends behaving that way who was dealing with this kind of grief and then provide yourself the compassion and understanding I know you would extend to a friend.

quote:

I hope I can sort thru more of this with T. I realize I am feeling disconnected from her. It was so disruptive to have her gone last week, at this particular time. With her three week vacation in January and now this, I am feeling anxiety about her not being here for me. It's a really tough spot because I'm flooded with so many different emotions and I feel so alone. The time between my upcoming Thurs and next Tuesday's session scares me.

I know this is a difficult time to get through those gaps, but you have posted a number of times about your new T and how she has been there for you and been so accepting and understanding. Track down those posts and re-read them to remind yourself of the strength of your alliance. And as for the gap between this today and next Tuesday? Sufficient to each day are the worries thereof. Try not to think further ahead than how you are going to get through each day. Grief can feel unending, even though it isn't, but the reason it takes so much time is that there is a lot of processing to do, of letting the person go, so that we can retain the relationship in a new way now that we can no longer see them. To try to tackle all of that at once, and add in your anxiety about your relationship with your T (very understandable as you do not want to face this without her support) is WAY too much for anyone to tackle at once. And thank heaven, you don't have to. So put the future down, you don't have to carry it, only the present.

AG

(((RT)))

RT, Thinking of you and hoping today is a bit brighter for you.

Jillann - I appreciate hearing about your own similar struggle. You've got the added stress of dealing with the decline of your mom's mental functioning which I would guess is pretty disconcerting and sad. That has it's own kind of grief.

quote:

I've brought so much of her stuff back to my house that now my house is overrun with stuff and feels cluttered and messy. It is hard sorting through the remains of a life. It makes me wonder who will do this for me one day.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Thanks (((Jillann))) - you are in my heart as well.

AG - Grief IS exhausting. I'm finding myself napping more - resting the body which suffers its own toll - and also resting the mind and heart which gets whipped like the winds of these spring tornadoes.

As for T, yesterday we talked about my need for support outside of session (particularly now) and some glitches that have created some anxiety for me. I do trust her compassion and support, in general. We just need to get some things worked out. I hope we can, because they are pretty critical to me. Deal breakers? I don't know. I don't want them to be, because T has so much to offer. After what went down with oldT, my T relationship needs to be rock solid. I always chose to talk about that (when I'm concerned about something) before any other stuff that's going on. I'm finally at the point where I'm going to talk about anything that comes up between me and T. If we aren't aligned, everything else gets skewed - and what's the point of doing therapy like that?

Anyway... your reminder to take things a day at a time is an important one. Thanks for taking the time to comment, AG. I know you've got your own stuff going on.

sapphire-blue - thanks for hugs - always needed

Rebuilding Me - Thanks for thinking of me. We've had a lot of bad weather here and a tornado touched down about 20 miles from my home, so the day is still cloudy. But I know what you mean. I skipped Zumba this morning because I needed the rest as well as time to get some things done at MY house. So, maybe that's a bit of brightness since I've given myself a little space this morning for me.

******

I finally spoke with my sister today - who is a blissful 900 miles away - and let her know about all the work I've been doing at Mom's house, plus my thoughts about the work we might do to get the house ready to sell. It's tough being the oldest kid. And the local kid. Buckets full of responsibility.

Yesterday I remembered that the basement at Mom's has a couple of places where water seeps in when there's a heavy rain. So that meant I had to go over to check. (Who else is there?) Sure enough, there was a puddle on the floor. The shop vac was full of dry debris, so first I had to clean that out. Then I had to dismantle a computer because I needed to move the desk it was on. And move another desk, chair, file cabinet and love seat in order to get a look at what was going on.

Yesterday was going to be the first day I would skip going to the house in three weeks. Then I remembered about the water, so I had to go there. It was a painful reminder of when my mother was in the hospital and I was finally going to take a day off from driving the 2-hr round trip to visit her. Supposedly she was improving. But that was the day the hospital called to say we needed to come. And we took her off life-support. So much for trying to take a day off. Life presses on at Mach 1.

I am weary. Waves of sadness and grief wash over me, sometimes out of the blue. When my mother died two years ago, I was in such shock. I could not wrap my head around it. I think I stayed in shock for that first year. It's just now, faced with the task of sorting through her possessions, that I am finally experiencing the fourth stage of the grief process - depression. Maybe one day I will get to the final stage - acceptance. I didn't realize how multi-layered it would be, nor that it would take so long.

-RT

RT

((((RT))))

I'm in a bit of a foggy wordless place at the moment, but wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts. I am so sad to read of all the struggles you are going through, but you are really hanging in there. Such wise advice from the other comments to be gentle and take one day at a time. Grief is so exhausting, I hope you get at least some moments of peace from it, and that things feel safe enough with T to let her help you through this too

(((RED)))

Just by to give a hug. I really appreciate your support when you have so much going on in your own life.

quote:

I'm finally at the point where I'm going to talk about anything that comes up between me and T. If we aren't aligned, everything else gets skewed - and what's the point of doing therapy like that?

I really related to this. It's how I feel. Seems to me there is no point.

starfishy - thanks for hugs - always needed

Armored Heart - thanks for thinking about me. yes, i keep going - one day at a time.

Liese - what you quoted of mine - yes, yes, yes! thanks for checking in.

-RT