Hi Questing

I don't think we've chatted in a topic before, so I wanted to pop in to say HI!

quote:

I called mom yesterday with no intention of tell her how bad I felt, because it was Mother's Day. I was glad she had company, so we didn't talk long...then she called me back after her company left. I feel like crap for telling her I was not having a good day. She cried and said she wished she could do something more to help me. I feel guilty for making Mother's Day about me.

I'm not one of the most supportive people here, and I'm certainly not as experienced as many people here, but I just wanted to share my feelings with you. I read this and it made my eyes tear up and made me feel like I wanted to cry. I don't know why but it hit me, and few things do. You are very lucky to have a mother that is there for you and understands what you are going through, and even her wishing that she could do something for you must make you feel good. I don't know you and don't presume to know how you are feeling, but it's obvious that you're struggling and it's sad that you are feeling like a burdon to people who clearly care about you and your well being. I wish I had people to lean on like that when my depression creeps back up on me. I'm not sure how I would respond to my P if she suggested a hospital to treat my depression, I just know I wouldn't want to be in the position to have to respond top her suggestion. I can imagine after working on a Psych Unit that you wouldn't want to be in one - when I was a young adult I did security in a hospital and dreaded the calls to the Psych Unit, just based on those few incidents I responded to, I know that it's not somewhere I'd want to be staying for even a short time. Maybe the units have changed in the last 20 years, and I might like the idea now Kidding!

I;m glad that you feel safe in sharing yourself and your feelings in this forum, and I'm glad that you find support here, it's a very valuable tool for us all.

Smile at yourself today!

Holly

Questing,
I'm glad you're feeling brave enough to share. This is the place to vent these feelings and frustrations that you're having. I know how you feel about not wanting to bother your therapist. I feel the same way. My therapist always says that it's okay when I call. She doesn't answer the phone, then she can call back at her convenience. She has always called me back when I've asked for it, but sometimes ("sometimes", who am I kidding? At least twice a week!) I call her just to tell her how I'm doing, and what I'm going through each day. She keeps saying that she's okay with it, and I'm beginning to believe her. I think therapists know who needs more support, and who doesn't. From what she said about telling you if she doesn't have time, it looks as if you can trust your therapist to set her own boundaries. So, if you need her, call her. She'll let you know if it's too much or if it's the wrong time. That's just my two cents on that.

And, in the meantime, this is certainly a good place to come for support.


Holly,
What do you mean that you're not one of the most supportive people here? You're almost always one of the first responders when people are having troubles. Sure, you're candid and honest, but I, for one, appreciate and respect that in a person. You're very supportive and caring and funny. Don't say those things about yourself!

catgirl

Thank you for your rapid support. I did call my T, she gave me times when she was free to talk later today. My mom called too, to thank me for her Mother's Day card. (It arrived late.) Both my parents have depression. She apologizes for having kids, because my other three sibling suffer from depression. But really, if I have to have this disorder, it's wonderful to have a family that understands. But I feel guilty when she tries to take the responsiblity of my depression. Just listening is HUGE.

And yes, hospitals are much more human then 20 years ago. But any unit I'm put on will have people I've treated and will treat again. So, there is no benefit because I can't talk due to "boundaries" and "thereputic relationships". That's why this forum is SO nice, I'm free to share my feelings and thoughts with supportive people who actually understand. I'm grateful for you.
Q

quote:

Holly,
What do you mean that you're not one of the most supportive people here? You're almost always one of the first responders when people are having troubles. Sure, you're candid and honest, but I, for one, appreciate and respect that in a person. You're very supportive and caring and funny. Don't say those things about yourself!

Awe thanks CG, I try But I think that I'm always a first responder because I sit at home 75% of the day waiting for someone to write something, then I crawl out from under my shell of self loathing to come make other people smile and feel better so that I can too someday I'm so pathetic! I can't wait for school to start .. hmm, maybe I should find a little job in a greenhouse or something .. Nah, I'd rather hide under my shell until September, only to come out to eat, drink, lay in the sun, workout and go to therapy LMAO

Questing, Glad to hear that your T is able to make herself available to you today. I wish I could phone my P sometimes She'd know it was me because the line would be silent, that's the nice thing about being the only patient she's ever had that has a lot to say, but can't! LOL

quote:

But I feel guilty when she tries to take the responsiblity of my depression. Just listening is HUGE.

Guilt and responsibility .. are two bad words in one sentence! (Sorry, that's the 'funny' that CG was referring to!). I think that if people (and I'm not one of those people yet) could just take responsibility for themselves then maybe we wouldn't feel so much guilt, or responsibility to others. Just a thought!

Speaking of those 2 things, I'm off to see my P about some lack of responsibility! LOL

Be well!

Holly

quote:

I balked at calling my T was because when I have felt this badly in the past, she has brought up hospitals....I feel like she covering herself.

I can TOTALLY relate to this! I was once feeling very low and talking about suicide. I was really shocked when my T gave me the number for the MHMR hotline. I read his action as calloused -- like he was pushing me into someone else's lap because A) he couldn't make himself available to me because he didn't care enough about me (i.e. I'm just another patient), and B) he wanted to make sure that the "problem" would be dealt with in in such a way that he didn't have a lawsuit on his hands. Presently, I'm still shocked that I could be so calloused. It took a while to see that he gave me the number because he really cared about me and worried about me -- the clinic isn't built to be on-call for emergencies so his hands were tied regarding the issue. (He told me just that during a later discussion/apology about how much I distrusted his motives on most everything.) Moving beyond the rules would have been a breach of clearly stated boundaries. He was doing the best he could for me -- even though I couldn't see it.

It sounds like a lot of guilt is floating around in your family circle. I, too, hate being center-stage in the family drama all of the time because I have so many issues...jeez, healing is such a messy process!!! But, I digress -- let me tell you what made me feel a little better -- saying thank you. If you tell your mother all of the reasons why you love her and are grateful for her support during those periods of time when you do feel good, I wonder what you'd discover. I have found that saying "thank you for just being there" made me feel so much less distraught about having to call my sister over and over again for support because after I expressed my gratitude, she expressed hers. I see that my healing is helping her to heal (we're fraternal twins and have shared everything, including psychological distress). Your mother may feel guilt about having had children despite the risk that you guys would have depression too, but that is her faux-burden to bear. I bet she would appreciate (and feel redemption) from your admission that by just "being there" she is being given an opportunity to love more intensely than if everything in life were ideal. I sometimes think that God uses disease and distress as a means to solidify love into something more meaningful and purposeful. Your mother may not be able to cure you anymore than she could cure cancer, but she can listen with sympathy and applaud your endurance. Like HollyO said, it's wonderful to have the gift of a mother who is there for you, and a wonderful T. We all need people, some more than others, there is no shame in that. Chin up!

Thank you for your support and guidence. My T told me today that I'm not asking for "too much". And my Mom said the same thing. (I thanked her, QG.) I still feel like I am, but some of this guilt has got to be part of my depression.

I feel like the anxiety is driving me insane. I keep thinking if I fix all the things I worry about like house repairs and cleaning then my anxiety will stop...but doesn't. My thoughts just skip to the next thing that might stop the anxiety and depression. It's exhausting. My T wants me to call my shrink today to discuss more med changes...but I don't want him to feel like a failure because I'm not feeling better.

Holly, You are very supportive. And direct communication is refreshing.

Thank you everyone.
Q