Liese

You ARE loved by others. All of us here love you

hugs to you (((Liese)))

Awww, Avoidant, you are so sweet. Thanks. You made my day.

hugs back,

Liese

I dunno. Desiring to be loved, to be in loving relationship with others (whether romantic, familial, platonic friendship, whatever) is pretty basic, fundamental. We're social creatures and it's just part of our need. So, I wonder if desire is even the right word. As a child, that fundamental drive to connect was a need. As an adult, it's probably easier to call it a desire, because the closest thing most people get to deep intimacy like that is in a romantic context. But (I'm just guessing from my own experience and granted I don't want to be with my own T like that at all), what your feeling inside for your T might be less about wanting him as a romantic partner and more just wanting him as a committed fixture in your life who feels, expresses, exchanges, receives love within your relationship. The easiest way to understand such deep needs as an adult is romantic interest and there may be some aspects of him that you find attractive as a partner in that way, but I'm betting the need itself is much older than that.

Anyway, as AV has said, you ARE loved. So, I think what is really wanted/needed is getting to the point of feeling it. We will never learn to feel it in the instinctive way that someone who had "good enough" parenting did, I don't think. But, you could learn, through your T's care and acceptance and wanting to work with you and wanting (the granted boundaried therapeutic) relationship with you to continue, to help you grieve the pain and enjoy your successes together with you...you could learn that: 1) You really are loved by some people; 2) Therefore you are (read: always were) lovable to others. Basically, what you "desire" is already there, but it's hard to see, because when we were kids, we made the fact that our parents couldn't seem to really love us or take care of us about us being unlovable or intrinsically wrong in some way. I know I'm just repeating stuff others on here have said more eloquently in the past, but I really believe it. I believe it, because I can feel it about anybody but myself, even the people who damaged me. That you are loved, lovable, valuable, worth caring for and knowing, created to be loved and created to love others...and there is nothing wrong with those needs, hence nothing wrong with you at all!

quote:

Anyway, as AV has said, you ARE loved. So, I think what is really wanted/needed is getting to the point of feeling it.

It's been quite astonishing for me to learn how great the distance can be between being loved and actually feeling loved/lovable.

You'll get there, though!

Lisee,



I hope you are able to find the desire to live again. I know that feel, though. Its an awful place to be.

Thinking of you.
LG

((((AV))))((((YAKU))))((((BLT)))))((((XOXO)))))((((LG))))

Thank you all for your support and input. I checked out that blog, xoxo, and wow, it really sums everything up. They took the words out of my mouth.

When I started therapy, I didn't have the desire to live. I fell in love with my T and only had the will to live when I lived in fantasyland. Now, I'm able to come out of fantasyland without losing the will to live. T is still there, helping me try to connect with others.

I'm sad now but don't feel like I did when I started therapy. That blog was so right on when they talked about it doesn't matter how many people you have around you, that it's not about being lonely. It's about being able to connect.

I thought it was interesting that it was only through loving my T that I was able to want to live again. I can't really understand it all. I guess he was able to reach me in a way that no one else could?

(((Yaku)))

I think you put it perfectly. It is a basic fundamental need to feel loved and to connect. I’m guessing that the way we think about this as adults is set very early in life in the pre verbal years, when physical touch connections were the most important ones.

You are right when you say we need to get to the point of “feeling” loved , (((BLT))) yes there is huge gap between being loved and feeling loved. I’ve no doubt that my mother did/does love me in her own way, but have I / do I feel loved by her? Not in a million years.

Therapy is certainly about getting to the point of feeling loved and connected to others. T tells me that anything that has been learned, can also be unlearned, with teaching, practise and determination; so MAYBE we can feel it instinctively at some point.

T pushes me very hard to try to connect with others, something I’ve “Avoided” all my life. She’ll praise me for just passing the time of day with a stranger, or asking someone the time just for the sake of doing it. A few small connections each day makes a big difference to how I feel about myself and others around me. It’s very hard to do, very unnatural still for me, but I’m trying.

It’s still not quite the same as my “fantasyland world” Liese, but I am getting there, and so will you.

AV