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4 replies

Despair and Powerlessness from Infancy ***Poss Triggers-Bad Feelings***

dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi there,

I am going through a very dark time right now in my recovery from my abusive childhood. According to my T, I am really at the bottom of the barrel in feeling what it was like for me as a child.

***Trigger Warning from Here: Feelings of Panic/Despair***

I have little to no memories of my abuse but the feelings I have now are ones where I thought I was going to be killed and I had no way to stop it. I feel like an animal caught in a trap and my killer is coming for me and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It is a feeling of utter panic. Then, I feel utter despair to change my circumstance and sink into paralysis and depression and an inability to physically do anything.

***End of Trigger Warning***

My T tells me this is all from very early infancy on (as early as 3-6 months). He said I won't have memories from this early age but that the body remembers. My T says that when I have processed these feelings my life will be changed for the better but, right now, all I feel is despair that anything will ever change. I know he is right. I trust him and have worked with him for almost three years and he has always been right about this stuff but I am really "in it" right now.

I was wondering if anyone else could relate to this and had any thoughts? Thanks so much!
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C crootieMember
Hi DBS,
I have been going through a process from early infancy! I find it hard to believe, but the fear, rage and more recently the despair have been overwhelming. My T says that our minds will only let us cope with what we are able to, but many times I have felt that I was being held under and suffocating, and the panic this causes makes me break away from the process.
My T allows me to text, and she initially texted me daily through the early days of this work - I started to connect probably about 3 years ago, and initially was really thrilled, because I don't do feelings, so to have a genuine rage ful feeling was amazing. Now I do find it challenging when the rage is still there, and this week has left me feeling very despondent....however last week I was in a really good place. It has taken 6 years to get to where I am now, and my T says there is probably still more to express.
I often feel like giving up, but I have spent a lot of money to stop now, and even tho the progress incredibly slow, there is progress, more noticeable outside therapy, than in therapy..I am now much more loving to my partner and son; I can handle much more physical contact; I look after myself better eg go to hairdressers regularly. So as painful as it is I keep going.
I journal a lot, and I have had support from another forum for daughters of narcissistic mothers, and now this forum also seems invaluable...just to be able to share some experiences.
I know it's tough, but I am hoping that my future will be increasingly less affected by my past..and that's worth the effort.
Take care
T turtleMember
For what it is worth I too am facing these same things. It's the hardest thing I have ever worked through because there are no words.

I get the trapped animal, going to die feeling. It has been reported to me by my mother and older siblings that I did endure some intense abuse as an infant so I am "lucky" in that I am aware of it. Lucky is a weird word for this but at least I know for a fact it happened and I am not just spinning my wheels in the mud.

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