Detached/Numb or working through it all?

jen12Member

I'm having trouble telling the difference -- and I'm not sure if you can?

I had a good repair with T1 two sessions ago. This is the T with whom I have fairly significant transference/attachment and who, at this point in my therapy, has tremendous power to regulate my emotions (though he tries not to).

So I've been feeling relatively "better" most days, though I still have self destructive days and times when I'm definitely seeking a "high." (I got a piercing done yesterday on impulse, and apart from the pain -- or because of it? -- it was AWESOME!)

Anyway, so I can't tell if I'm actually getting better and getting some good internal work done, or if I'm just succeeding at riding the highs: repair with T, continued weight loss and control over eating, adrenaline rush from piercing, etc.

And now that I type this out I think I'm realizing that, among other things, I have MORE control over myself than I did, say, a month ago. And I'm damn proud of this self-control. It gives me a sense of security. False security? Maybe -- I don't know.

So since many of you have been through this before, do you have any insights into what might be going on?

5/19/125:34 AM

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snMember

Jen12, my T has a lot to do with my emotional regulation, too, so I could really relate to that. But I wanted to comment especially on this -

quote:
I have MORE control over myself than I did, say, a month ago. And I'm damn proud of this self-control. It gives me a sense of security. False security?

I think it's legit! I see my T for weight-loss/eating issues, too, and I definitely see a difference in the degree of self control I have. Instead of having binge episodes, I am so much stronger now! Initially, I yoYo'd a lot, and would feel devastated when I would slip back into old patterns, but now they are getting further and further apart, and it's much easier to self-correct.

So hang in there! That sense of security is coming from within - on some level, you're recognizing that you can do it!

Hugs,
Starry

5/19/129:44 PM

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kashleyMember

Hey Jen,

Recovery and relearning how to take care of ourselves isn't a linear process. For example, I made some progress this week - my T even calls it a milestone - but I also have done things that I wouldn't call progressive at all. Opposite actually. But that doesn't negate the progress I've made. The same goes for you. It's totally possible to be doing good things and making good strides but still have some weak moments.

I think exploring the feelings behind your decision to get a piercing may help you figure out why you chose that moment to get it. Just because you got the piercing doesn't mean it's good or bad.. What matters is why you got it, and that may not be an easy thing to figure out, but it's worth a shot!

5/19/1210:14 PM

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