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6 replies

Diagnosis, meds, therapy, and feelings

N ninnMember
I'm feeling incredibly sad and not sure what else, but a lot of something, over my diagnosis (PTSD, mixed in with Personality Disorder NOS). Since this recent relapse into depression (end of December) I went back on meds (Jan 6th) and it seems the AD put me into mania even though I went on a mood stabilizer at the same time (mood stabilizer not up to theraputic level in my blood yet - upped it again tonight, so hoping this helps)....because I don't need sleep to function fine the next day....because I used to hardly talk and had a hard time expressing myself in therapy and now the last two sessions I am classic manic: fast talking and jumping topics and racing thoughts. I know T's watching me. Analyzing me. I see her flipping papers on her clipboard as I talk writing things down, filling something out. I don't know what. I want to ask her what, but don't. I suddenly feel absolutely sad and have crying spells at home over this. I've wondered for a long time if I have Bipolar Disorder, but never before now, had the strength to face it. It feels like something heavy is sitting on my chest. My heart pounds so hard sometimes. And then sometimes I just weep....because I don't know what else to do. The first time I told my T about the lack of sleep, she started asking me questions about it, more, and I said then, "Now you're going to say I have Bipolar Disorder." She said, "You didn't answer my question." By then I forgot what the question was, anyway, and was going on and on about something. I actually feel like I'm thinking kind of clearly and am getting a lot accomplished in therapy, all of a sudden, since being manic. Yesterday's session, though, I talked and talked for 50 minutes and said, "I could talk all day, I guess I should go now." T said, "I can tell. Do you have racing thoughts?" I hate the sessions where I am manic because when I leave it feels like I wasn't with her for more than 5 minutes. When I am depressed, I feel T, and can carry her with me when I leave. I don't know what I am scared of, what I'm sad about, exactly. I guess right now I hate myself for these "disorders" that I have, and that there is no fix.... Frowner
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xoxoxoxoMember
Ninn, sorry you are so worried about dx.
Your dx isn't going to change you at all. You are who you are regardless of how your health issues are classified.

I used to 'diagnose' myself all the time...could qualify for multiple disorders at different times in my life. GAD, panic disorder, bipolar II, borderline, adjustment disorder, OCD, PTSD, DID, dysthmia, major depression...probably some that I forgot. Most of these are simply symptoms of mood dysregulation-which isn't even a diagnosis. And some of them come and go. And what one doctor sees, another won't...or won't go there because they don't practice depth psychology. Despite having all that, most doctors just used major depression and/or GAD for me. This doesn't mean I didn't have all the others! I discovered this on my own. And my therapist/pdoc agrees.

After 1 year of therapy, I realized that more people I knew than not exhibited symptoms of all sorts of disorders. But they are not given the diagnosis. This doesn't mean they don't have these issues either. It's just that the lack of dx doesn't change who they are, your dx doesn't change who you are either.

The disorders only classify your symptoms you already have; they don't change a thing. I know it hurt me, not helped, to not be given proper diagnoses in the past. At least off the record.

Bipolar I is the same as mood dysregulation, except it is supposed to be more organic rather than emotional-based (which personality disorders are largely considered to be). I think it's good your T is honest with you about them. And it's more difficult to get the right treatment without a correct disgnosis, so I'm glad to hear your therapist is involved in a proper assessment. I hope you can see the good side of this too. (((hugs)))
S sadlyMember
Ninn, I would like to say how much I feel for you right now, in this difficult time of adjusting to various labels, and they are just labels, they are not 'You' - you are much more intricate and amazing and complex than a label. I love the responses you have got here, really sound empathy from people who have faced similar difficulties, this is what is so great about this forum.

I would like to add that if we knew you better, we would probably find that you have loads of other 'labels' too, like highly empathic, or 'extremely kind' or ' great cook' or 'quirky sense of humour' or ' artistic' or whatever, none of them quite sums us up.

I am really glad my T does not use labels, but if he did, I would ask him to add to them that I am extremely musical, intelligent and a great friend and wife and mother. So there! That would make me feel better. Smiler So to reiterate, these labels are not the whole picture and they are so interelated anyway. Like XOXO I have diagnosed myself with a long list over the years, but 'only' had depression and PTSD diagnosed by others and like you I have really felt uncomfortable with being pigeon holed. One of the downsides of labels is some less accomplished therapists, then see you through the filter of that label, which can really slant things in the strange way.

Oh, and also Ninn, I am so sorry you are having difficulty with your meds. It must be really hard trying to work out doses and what works for you. I hope that you soon feel you have it in the right balance and keep asking questions about your meds, you have every right to want to know what you are taking and why.

I don't know whether it helps hearing that I really feel for you on this snowy Wednesday morning in England, but I do. I shall keep you in my heart and thoughts and hope that you are having a better day.
A autumnMember
Ninn, I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling sad and struggling so. Are you going to be able to talk with someone soon that will be able to help you get squared away with your meds? My T doesn't really work with a diagnosis... she doesn't really believe in them per se. She just seems to address whatever is coming up but has not pigeon holed me. Sometimes I wish she had been working with a diagnosis, because I think she could more efficiently utilize techniques that would specifically address my symptoms. I think it may be different for everyone... are you feeling like having a diagnosis is a death sentence of sorts? Maybe a diagnosis could simply help you feel as though you have a direction with your treatment, or that your meds might be more accurately adjusted. I think too that we are far more than our diagnoses... we're so multi-faceted. I hope things start to feel a little better for you soon.
N ninnMember
Thank you so much Yaku, Cat, xoxo, Sadly, and Autumn. Your supportive words mean a lot to me and are helping me re-frame some of my thinking.

I will write more when I can....right now thinking too much about anything in particular is quite triggering and I don't see T till Monday again, feels like forever from now.

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