i went today.
i really want to quit.
i think she does not like me, and when someone doesn't like me, i don't want to argue about it, or defend myself, i just take the hint and go home. i had my credit card pulled out (my white flag) probably 15 minutes before time.
she seemed to belittle me.
she had a good point, i said, when i realized i had nothing to defend my perspective (about my patterns or something) , anyway, i said, 'one for your side', and it just came out, i wasn't intending to be mean, but i guess i am just so blasted MEAN, like my parent's used to think, that it slipped out. she was sarcastic back, i apologized, i said i just said that as her point was so succinct.
i don't know.
she doesn't like me, and i just want out of there. i cancelled for next week, since thanksgiving.
i also hate going right after a bible study i do once a week. i walk out of the bible study feeling great, then go to therapy, and, what a 'buzz-kill'...
i feel like she thinks my problems are trivial, compared to others, they are, but, i can't get out of MY skin, and THESE are the problems i have.
y'no, it is probably not her fault, i just hate therapy.
i feel like, in those eastern cultures (REALLY REALLY GROSS TRIGGER AND GROSS WARNING) there are restaurants that serve live monkey brains, and the monkeys are held in a cage under the center of the table with their head in a brace just past the surface of the table, and a big blade comes, and slices the top of the head off, and the live monkey is just squirming, literally, to death, as the guests eat the live brains...to me, THAT is what therapy is like. and i am SQUIRMING in her TOO WELL LIT OFFICE, and mad that she never remembers or cares that i don't like to be under search lights.
i don't know, just bad attunement or transference or something.
i know it is some parent strings...i had a hard time (wouldn't) ask for my needs to be met because i perceived that they did not like me, just like her. and i guess, maybe it is ME that won't help someone i don't like, but, for some reason, i have it in my mind that someone that doesn't like me won't help me.
and that is where i sit, under the table, and i want out.
she also said this is all, as i posted in another thread, empty nest syndrome...but my nest is not empty. i feel like the joke is on me, again, humiliated. like always.
i am really mad at her, although nothing is her fault, and i don't want to go back.
THIS IS MY PATTERN.
and, like t3, i guess, the next thing that happens is i tell her some of this and she kicks me out, so, now, i have learned, to beat her to the punch and check OUT first.
miserable.
like the monkey. again.
pending trainwreck. and, of course, you can't ask them if they like you or don't like you, of COURSE they have to say they do, and the only way to know is to speak up, like i did for t3, and SEE if they kick me out. maybe THAT is my empty nest syndrome, empty COUCH syndrome.
i feel like she was laughing at me....or irritated with me. i perceive these things with my super sensitive senses...the senses that told me to duck for cover as a child, those senses are telling me this is not a good game.
and i can't tell her, or else, i guess, i can't tell her until i am ready to walk out. till i know enough to go on my own.
but the humiliation i feel in there, i am just plain SICK of. feeling so small and trivial and repetitive and nauseatingly boring.
really.
pisses me off royaly.
jill
((((((Sorry, jilly))))))))
I feel so badly. It's hard to tell if it *is* that way, or if it just *realy, really, really* feels that way, for me, in this same situation. and for what it's worth, I think it's importnat that T like you in order to be able to help you. they have to be able to connect with something of the essence that is in you, and like it, and see it as valuable, I really think that, otherwise it will begin to feel like judgement. that's my opinion of course. I am sorry that you are in so much pain. DBT is more results oriented and less feelings focused...is that right? That could be why you are feeling what you are feeling. My T said that when the connection isn't good between us, it will feel very much like he is being mean and rejecting me. Could be that since the goal isn't to develop a good connection, it just *will* feel like that to you, whether she likes you or not? Just a thought.
((((jill)))))
BB
I feel so badly. It's hard to tell if it *is* that way, or if it just *realy, really, really* feels that way, for me, in this same situation. and for what it's worth, I think it's importnat that T like you in order to be able to help you. they have to be able to connect with something of the essence that is in you, and like it, and see it as valuable, I really think that, otherwise it will begin to feel like judgement. that's my opinion of course. I am sorry that you are in so much pain. DBT is more results oriented and less feelings focused...is that right? That could be why you are feeling what you are feeling. My T said that when the connection isn't good between us, it will feel very much like he is being mean and rejecting me. Could be that since the goal isn't to develop a good connection, it just *will* feel like that to you, whether she likes you or not? Just a thought.
((((jill)))))
BB
Maybe you need two T's? One to deal with the feelings/attachment stuff, and other to help with the results oriented stuff? again, just a thought.
made a scene, called her up and left a message for her to call me, told her that i sense that she does not like me, listed the reasons, the lights she leaves on despite my request in two appointments that they bother me (i feel she should know that and be considerate to that and that i wouldn't have to ask each time), that when i replied a hasty comment (one for your side...i know that was not nice, it just came out and obviously showed how i felt, i apologized and tried to explain it away at the time) but i felt after that commment she changed and i just pulled my credit card out and wanted to leave.
anyway, she said if she had negative counter transference she would have to turn me over to someone else, but she didn't think that was an issue, she thought my comment was funny and didn't feel hurt (but then i know, surely, all t's sense it when the client gets defensive)...anyway. i told her this is a pattern i get into, and didn't know whether to quit or to work through it. of course she said the latter.
i told her i felt humiliated and belittled and NOT by anything she did outright, it was just how i felt, and perhaps me projecting my own feelings about myself onto her...mind-reading, she said. and that i have paranoia features (suspecting my comment enraged her). and that this is not to be unsuspected with my background.
she handled it fine, and if it makes a permanent wedge, well, so be it. or, if any of that horse$**t about ruptures in a relationship being repairable, then we will see that too.
if the lights are on next time, i am going to really be disappointed. why don't they sense that! don't they know how much those little things matter to us?? being 'known'??
i am going to have to walk in there, hiding behind my hands, and beg her to 'normalize' my reactions for me because i FEEL so foolish.
bb, thanks for your thought. and yes, a very good one. i think dbt is, like you say, results oriented. when i said something to her about my logical brain tells me that i am going to her for a service, and that hopefully, whether she likes me or not, she can provide that service, she kindof hushed that thought saying that it is important to feel liked, and that if she didn't, if there were things that she felt stood in the way of this being effective, that she would let me know.
anyway, blah blah blah...here i am, trying to create a trainwreck.
she said i am paranoid. add that to my a la carte menu of mental issues.
someone assured me once that all this is to be expected, as, i somewhat grew up in a mental hospital...i said, yep, but, without the treatment.
you know, if she can salvage a relationship, despite my tenuous wrestling to get out of one, then maybe, i can learn that people are worthy of trust, and that relationships don't end or get shaky with minor upsets.
hmmm, my parents never knew that.
pardon the excess rambling...jill
anyway, she said if she had negative counter transference she would have to turn me over to someone else, but she didn't think that was an issue, she thought my comment was funny and didn't feel hurt (but then i know, surely, all t's sense it when the client gets defensive)...anyway. i told her this is a pattern i get into, and didn't know whether to quit or to work through it. of course she said the latter.
i told her i felt humiliated and belittled and NOT by anything she did outright, it was just how i felt, and perhaps me projecting my own feelings about myself onto her...mind-reading, she said. and that i have paranoia features (suspecting my comment enraged her). and that this is not to be unsuspected with my background.
she handled it fine, and if it makes a permanent wedge, well, so be it. or, if any of that horse$**t about ruptures in a relationship being repairable, then we will see that too.
if the lights are on next time, i am going to really be disappointed. why don't they sense that! don't they know how much those little things matter to us?? being 'known'??
i am going to have to walk in there, hiding behind my hands, and beg her to 'normalize' my reactions for me because i FEEL so foolish.
bb, thanks for your thought. and yes, a very good one. i think dbt is, like you say, results oriented. when i said something to her about my logical brain tells me that i am going to her for a service, and that hopefully, whether she likes me or not, she can provide that service, she kindof hushed that thought saying that it is important to feel liked, and that if she didn't, if there were things that she felt stood in the way of this being effective, that she would let me know.
anyway, blah blah blah...here i am, trying to create a trainwreck.
she said i am paranoid. add that to my a la carte menu of mental issues.
someone assured me once that all this is to be expected, as, i somewhat grew up in a mental hospital...i said, yep, but, without the treatment.
you know, if she can salvage a relationship, despite my tenuous wrestling to get out of one, then maybe, i can learn that people are worthy of trust, and that relationships don't end or get shaky with minor upsets.
hmmm, my parents never knew that.
pardon the excess rambling...jill
Jill what you are going through reminds me so much of me - and I can only applaud the way you are handling all the fears and doubts and needs that come up for you with regards to therapists.
I really hope dbt gal comes up trumps - the turning the lights off, yeah for me too that would be a pretty good indicator of whether she’s really listening to you or not. I hope she does turn them off without you having to remind her.
I don’t know whether I’ve somehow misunderstood what all this therapy business is about, but I have been labouring under the assumption that a T is supposed to be able to take ALL our feelings and help us sort them out. What I’m finding in reality is that the one feeling that makes Ts want to pull up the drawbridge and pour boiling oil on me - is anger. To me that’s SUCH a huge part of my problems, the lifelong need to stuff control deny ignore trivialize and negate my angry feelings - and I’m desperate to be able to show those negative feelings in therapy and be seen as OK for it (not despite it). Even when I point blank ask Ts whether they are ok with my expressing anger and they say yes, I find that what they really mean is, yes it’s ok to express anger at and about everyone and everything else but NOT AT ME. Well blow me down but seeing as how it’s usually what’s going on between T and me that sets off my angry feelings more than anything else, that kind of buggers the whole idea doesn’t it?
Just reinforces the parental/societal message that one must never get angry at the person who is making one angry. Hm so how does therapy work then? If a huge (and important) part of my feelings, sense of reality and pain isn’t allowed to be brought into therapy? That if the only way I can get to express what I’m really feeling is if I’m prepared to quit every time because T will otherwise get rid of me anyway - that doesn’t sound very healing to me.
Ok sorry Jill I’m venting a bit here - just wanted to say that what you are going through sounds so much in some ways like the kind of fears and problems I’m running into trying to find a T who will accept me as I am, unconditionally.
Hope your next session goes well for you.
LL
I really hope dbt gal comes up trumps - the turning the lights off, yeah for me too that would be a pretty good indicator of whether she’s really listening to you or not. I hope she does turn them off without you having to remind her.
I don’t know whether I’ve somehow misunderstood what all this therapy business is about, but I have been labouring under the assumption that a T is supposed to be able to take ALL our feelings and help us sort them out. What I’m finding in reality is that the one feeling that makes Ts want to pull up the drawbridge and pour boiling oil on me - is anger. To me that’s SUCH a huge part of my problems, the lifelong need to stuff control deny ignore trivialize and negate my angry feelings - and I’m desperate to be able to show those negative feelings in therapy and be seen as OK for it (not despite it). Even when I point blank ask Ts whether they are ok with my expressing anger and they say yes, I find that what they really mean is, yes it’s ok to express anger at and about everyone and everything else but NOT AT ME. Well blow me down but seeing as how it’s usually what’s going on between T and me that sets off my angry feelings more than anything else, that kind of buggers the whole idea doesn’t it?
Just reinforces the parental/societal message that one must never get angry at the person who is making one angry. Hm so how does therapy work then? If a huge (and important) part of my feelings, sense of reality and pain isn’t allowed to be brought into therapy? That if the only way I can get to express what I’m really feeling is if I’m prepared to quit every time because T will otherwise get rid of me anyway - that doesn’t sound very healing to me.
Ok sorry Jill I’m venting a bit here - just wanted to say that what you are going through sounds so much in some ways like the kind of fears and problems I’m running into trying to find a T who will accept me as I am, unconditionally.
Hope your next session goes well for you.
LL
LL, yes, i know they all say it is ok, but, they are human, and they can't help, i would think, form a negative opinion about me and all my weaknesses and projections of my own self hate onto them hating me. only the most sturdy should endure this, and i don't think many of them are. i don't believe she thought my comment funny, i believe it pissed her off a bit, of course she would have to deny it, to act superior to being insulted. but, the atmosphere changed. i hate how they act that it DOESN'T! i would MUCH rather them be truthful and say that they feel a defensive posture from me, or something to validate REALITY!
denial.
yep, i could vent all day about this with you. i guess, most just don't know how to work with transference. and, in such a subjective field of business, i am sure they feel ineffective at times, lots more times than we would probably like to know!! and validating that to them just cuts to their core, and hardens their heart.
i am back to square one....the people that care about me can't help me, and the people that can help me don't care about me.
story of my life.
i guess, i have to ask myself at some point....why do i think i need outside help so desperately???
isn't everyone, t's included, neurotic?? some inconsistancy with reality??
thanks LL, we are on the same page...jill
denial.
yep, i could vent all day about this with you. i guess, most just don't know how to work with transference. and, in such a subjective field of business, i am sure they feel ineffective at times, lots more times than we would probably like to know!! and validating that to them just cuts to their core, and hardens their heart.
i am back to square one....the people that care about me can't help me, and the people that can help me don't care about me.
story of my life.
i guess, i have to ask myself at some point....why do i think i need outside help so desperately???
isn't everyone, t's included, neurotic?? some inconsistancy with reality??
thanks LL, we are on the same page...jill
hey DF. thanks for asking. i had a bit of a falling out with dbt gal, and skipped a week with thanksgiving and just dreading going back. i don't think it is her, but for some reason i just feel so crappy in there. a big trigger for me is feeling like i don't deserve to be in therapy. i guess, kind of narcissistic, or like they are thinking that i am a princess with a pea under her mattress and REALLY need to GET A LIFE.
don't know quite why she provoked that, some things about how most of her patients are not as high functioning, idk, i just remember the scene with t3 when it all came apart was something similar, and both times, i pulled my credit card out wanting to get out of there as fast as i could.
she made me write something she said down. i felt demeaned.
i don't quite know, i guess, i DO know...I SENSE SHE DOES NOT LIKE ME NOR RESPECT ME AS A PERSON, and THAT tells me to LEAVE. that it is unsafe...and back to my original issue...THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT ME CAN'T HELP ME AND THE PEOPLE THAT CAN HELP ME DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. square one.
so, thanks for asking, and thanks for getting my brain wrapped around what i need to say on wednesday. major dread. she hates me. jill
don't know quite why she provoked that, some things about how most of her patients are not as high functioning, idk, i just remember the scene with t3 when it all came apart was something similar, and both times, i pulled my credit card out wanting to get out of there as fast as i could.
she made me write something she said down. i felt demeaned.
i don't quite know, i guess, i DO know...I SENSE SHE DOES NOT LIKE ME NOR RESPECT ME AS A PERSON, and THAT tells me to LEAVE. that it is unsafe...and back to my original issue...THE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT ME CAN'T HELP ME AND THE PEOPLE THAT CAN HELP ME DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. square one.
so, thanks for asking, and thanks for getting my brain wrapped around what i need to say on wednesday. major dread. she hates me. jill
the psychoanalytical thought here would be..."i hate HER" - but, i project it as she hates me. maybe TRUE. so with my parents as i child, i projected 'i hate myself' when really, 'i hated THEM'??
makes sense. and no, i don't like her. she acts superior. is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT EMPATHETIC!!!
GOT IT?? NOT EMPATHETIC. pandering to my hurts. fakely empathetic, but, bored. looking at the clock. going through the routine of listening to my pains, but really thinking this ridiculous women really needs to grow up.
i DO hate her, and yes, it feels good to say it here. and, of course, like y'all said, anger is fine to be expressed in therapy...(just NOT AT THEM!!!)
i have some negative transference going on here. i hate to be belittled, or made to feel like i don't deserve to be listened to, and empathised with. especially when i am PAYING for someone to be nice to me and help me.
don't MAKE me write your blanking words down. if i DEEM them important i WILL write them down, but when i am feeling rejected, all i want to do is HIDE! to leave.
oh, bad spiral coming on, i'd better quit. jill
makes sense. and no, i don't like her. she acts superior. is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT EMPATHETIC!!!
GOT IT?? NOT EMPATHETIC. pandering to my hurts. fakely empathetic, but, bored. looking at the clock. going through the routine of listening to my pains, but really thinking this ridiculous women really needs to grow up.
i DO hate her, and yes, it feels good to say it here. and, of course, like y'all said, anger is fine to be expressed in therapy...(just NOT AT THEM!!!)
i have some negative transference going on here. i hate to be belittled, or made to feel like i don't deserve to be listened to, and empathised with. especially when i am PAYING for someone to be nice to me and help me.
don't MAKE me write your blanking words down. if i DEEM them important i WILL write them down, but when i am feeling rejected, all i want to do is HIDE! to leave.
oh, bad spiral coming on, i'd better quit. jill
Oh Jill I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you stay on top of that spiral - or at least know that you WILL come out of it again soon ((( Jill )))
Wanted to chip in too about feeling that T doesn't like you. While yeah a lot of it could be as DF (as always very insightfully) suggests - that the closer you get to the core stuff the more a whole heap of things is likely to be projected - at the same time it's also perfectly possible that you ARE picking up on subtle nuances coming from your T. Obviously the only way to be sure is to talk to her about it.
I have a story about a T i saw that I believe actually didn't like me very much (well ok maybe she didn't dislike ME personally, but I am sure she disliked how I was presenting.) At the time I saw her I had taken a break from my psychoT and was really really angry about lots of things, and was going out of my way to openly check with her how well she could take anger. She was adamant that I was not to get angry directly at her. Well I spent most of the three sessions I saw her endlessly trying to put my case that actually it was VITAL to me that she be able to take any anger I had at her. And all these three sessions I was becoming more and more hostile towards her and SHE was very obviously having to make quite an effort to stay patient and smiling (fixed smile) and outwardly accepting.
I'm paranoid so I have a pretty good idea that a lot of what i perceive as hostility or dislike in others towards me is often my own projections, but there are times when I am able to read cues from another fairly accurately and in this T's case it was very very obvious that she had a problem with the anger I was throwing at her. While she wasn't about to turf me out (and that's a big credit to her) she made me feel that what I needed to express in therapy would always be conditional, that a big chunk of my feelings (the angry ones especially) were unwelcome. I decided pretty quickly to quit because even though she claimed that my anger was acceptable (so long as it wasn't directed at her) - I understood on that instinctual level that she had no empathy for anger per se and that meant that she wouldn't be able to understand my motives nor give me the safety and encouragement I needed to go with all my feelings.
So Jill maybe your sense of lack of empathy on her part is not so wrong.
But equally - maybe it's your own defences coming out in force. I wouldn't presume to tell you what's going on - as I know only too well how easily I mistake my own fears and feelings as coming from outside. But I sympathize very much with what you're going through, especially with the whole issue of having to doubt and control angry feelings.
Hope you do manage to talk about this with her on Wednesday (and hope you DO go - that would be a self caring thing to do). And if you need to vent here Jill, please don't be afraid to say what's going on for you - if you think it will help.
Hugs to you
LL
Wanted to chip in too about feeling that T doesn't like you. While yeah a lot of it could be as DF (as always very insightfully) suggests - that the closer you get to the core stuff the more a whole heap of things is likely to be projected - at the same time it's also perfectly possible that you ARE picking up on subtle nuances coming from your T. Obviously the only way to be sure is to talk to her about it.
I have a story about a T i saw that I believe actually didn't like me very much (well ok maybe she didn't dislike ME personally, but I am sure she disliked how I was presenting.) At the time I saw her I had taken a break from my psychoT and was really really angry about lots of things, and was going out of my way to openly check with her how well she could take anger. She was adamant that I was not to get angry directly at her. Well I spent most of the three sessions I saw her endlessly trying to put my case that actually it was VITAL to me that she be able to take any anger I had at her. And all these three sessions I was becoming more and more hostile towards her and SHE was very obviously having to make quite an effort to stay patient and smiling (fixed smile) and outwardly accepting.
I'm paranoid so I have a pretty good idea that a lot of what i perceive as hostility or dislike in others towards me is often my own projections, but there are times when I am able to read cues from another fairly accurately and in this T's case it was very very obvious that she had a problem with the anger I was throwing at her. While she wasn't about to turf me out (and that's a big credit to her) she made me feel that what I needed to express in therapy would always be conditional, that a big chunk of my feelings (the angry ones especially) were unwelcome. I decided pretty quickly to quit because even though she claimed that my anger was acceptable (so long as it wasn't directed at her) - I understood on that instinctual level that she had no empathy for anger per se and that meant that she wouldn't be able to understand my motives nor give me the safety and encouragement I needed to go with all my feelings.
So Jill maybe your sense of lack of empathy on her part is not so wrong.
But equally - maybe it's your own defences coming out in force. I wouldn't presume to tell you what's going on - as I know only too well how easily I mistake my own fears and feelings as coming from outside. But I sympathize very much with what you're going through, especially with the whole issue of having to doubt and control angry feelings.
Hope you do manage to talk about this with her on Wednesday (and hope you DO go - that would be a self caring thing to do). And if you need to vent here Jill, please don't be afraid to say what's going on for you - if you think it will help.
Hugs to you
LL
DF, yes, i had shared some pretty vulnerable stuff, and i guess, her reaction seemed stiff and emotionless. so, like you say, i felt more vulnerable with the disproportion of her empathy to my stuff. and the fear of judgment and pulling back. i may be wrong, but, i think she was REALLY OFF that day. i will go back on wednesday, but if the lights are on (strike one), and if she doesn't have some good skills at repairing the rupture (strike two), and if i still feel like that monkey under the table when i leave...no compassion, no warmth, well, then, strike three.
i feel better OUT of therapy than IN therapy, and i think now, it is her, not me. life is getting better, but this issue with her, and how crappy i feel in there is pulling me down. i feel this obligation to see this dbt through, but, at this point, i am going to walk in, and instead of apologizing for calling her and crying and accusing her of not liking me (yes, i am an adult!!) i am going to say i need to work on interpersonal effectiveness tools, and get some 'sweet' skills and motor on another highway...psychoanalytical.
i am NOT crazy, i am not true full blown BORDERLINE, but SHE makes me feel like i am, and i don't think SHE is BAD, i just feel a mismatch. i feel BELITTLED and that "i don't deserve to be in therapy, i am a princess, and need to grow up and get a life." and YESSSSSS!! you are right, DF (i am not being ugly!!) i DO SAY THAT ALOT, but that IS what i feel in there, and thank you , DF, for pointing out that repetition...i hadn't even noted it...i will mention it to her that that is a MAJOR trigger, ANYTHING that points to that. from LACK of compassion to MAKING me write her words down. BIG BLOW UP WITH T3 over this! this....THIS IS MY HOT BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks df for pointing it out to me!!
LL, thanks for pointing out that going on wednesday WOULD be the self-caring thing to do...that answers my question. and, like you, there is alot of paranoia on my part, too, but, also, alot of keen sense of shaky grounds...like an animal senses a coming tornado...perhaps i am wrong sometimes, but, sometimes, i am RIGHT ON.
i spilled my guts out on the phone, the tears were ROLLING DOWN MY FACE!!! so, i guess i will see what she says. i hate the awkwardness of walking in, FEELING that she thinks i am a CLOWN, and the stupid first words...'uh, how are you' ... 'uh, fine, except, uh, i feel totally HUMILIATED calling you' ... 'oh, WHY?' ... 'because i look like a MORON, you idiot, do you not RECALL MY BLATHERING OVER THE PHONE ABOUT HOW I DON'T THINK YOU LLLLIIIKKKEEEE ME??? like a teen aged boy with a crush???' ... 'well, i didn't hear you that way, you seemed, to me, afraid, and y'no, what you said is JUDGING yourself, remember, we aren't supposed to do that at 'big girl dbt'!! ... and so on.
yes, these t's really can't handle anger, i sense. and the good ones that can?? they are just not on my radar i guess, or else i am one unruly b***h, and really, i don't think that is the case....
thanks for your insight, LL, and your encouragement to go...face the beast...AGAIN!!
but SOMEONE, please...PLEASE give me permission to QUIT if it doesn't go well!! i figure this, if it doesn't feel good, i will, at the half hour tell her that i gave it thirty minutes to somewhat look like repair is possible. for the next thirty minutes, let's look square in the head, termination. i can't be that monkey here anymore.
jill
i feel better OUT of therapy than IN therapy, and i think now, it is her, not me. life is getting better, but this issue with her, and how crappy i feel in there is pulling me down. i feel this obligation to see this dbt through, but, at this point, i am going to walk in, and instead of apologizing for calling her and crying and accusing her of not liking me (yes, i am an adult!!) i am going to say i need to work on interpersonal effectiveness tools, and get some 'sweet' skills and motor on another highway...psychoanalytical.
i am NOT crazy, i am not true full blown BORDERLINE, but SHE makes me feel like i am, and i don't think SHE is BAD, i just feel a mismatch. i feel BELITTLED and that "i don't deserve to be in therapy, i am a princess, and need to grow up and get a life." and YESSSSSS!! you are right, DF (i am not being ugly!!) i DO SAY THAT ALOT, but that IS what i feel in there, and thank you , DF, for pointing out that repetition...i hadn't even noted it...i will mention it to her that that is a MAJOR trigger, ANYTHING that points to that. from LACK of compassion to MAKING me write her words down. BIG BLOW UP WITH T3 over this! this....THIS IS MY HOT BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks df for pointing it out to me!!
LL, thanks for pointing out that going on wednesday WOULD be the self-caring thing to do...that answers my question. and, like you, there is alot of paranoia on my part, too, but, also, alot of keen sense of shaky grounds...like an animal senses a coming tornado...perhaps i am wrong sometimes, but, sometimes, i am RIGHT ON.
i spilled my guts out on the phone, the tears were ROLLING DOWN MY FACE!!! so, i guess i will see what she says. i hate the awkwardness of walking in, FEELING that she thinks i am a CLOWN, and the stupid first words...'uh, how are you' ... 'uh, fine, except, uh, i feel totally HUMILIATED calling you' ... 'oh, WHY?' ... 'because i look like a MORON, you idiot, do you not RECALL MY BLATHERING OVER THE PHONE ABOUT HOW I DON'T THINK YOU LLLLIIIKKKEEEE ME??? like a teen aged boy with a crush???' ... 'well, i didn't hear you that way, you seemed, to me, afraid, and y'no, what you said is JUDGING yourself, remember, we aren't supposed to do that at 'big girl dbt'!! ... and so on.
yes, these t's really can't handle anger, i sense. and the good ones that can?? they are just not on my radar i guess, or else i am one unruly b***h, and really, i don't think that is the case....
thanks for your insight, LL, and your encouragement to go...face the beast...AGAIN!!
but SOMEONE, please...PLEASE give me permission to QUIT if it doesn't go well!! i figure this, if it doesn't feel good, i will, at the half hour tell her that i gave it thirty minutes to somewhat look like repair is possible. for the next thirty minutes, let's look square in the head, termination. i can't be that monkey here anymore.
jill
don't you think it is somewhat the t's responsibility to make you FEEL that you are appropriate in BEING THERE???
dang, i WISH i could send this all to her, i will NEVER be able to say it to her. i REALLY wish i could be in a confessional booth...it would be SO MUCH MORE CONSTRUCTIVE!!!!!
the 'in the room' experience is just more stimulation and input than this girl can handle.
ease me in, don't BLIND me with the lights...i mean it, if those lights are on when i come in, i will be hellbent to just walk out the door the way i came in...and MORON should be able to figure that out!! how difficult is it, when a client asks twice about the lights, saying they really bother her, to remember to turn them off the next time!! i am no mind-reader, but, i would say this is a no-brainer!! really!!!
and how MUCH of a bonding experience would that be to a client to remember such a thing.
i don't get it.
oh, guys, i am BOILING right now. i am so miserable, i just can't wait to get in there and sort this out, and resolve this.
i guess i hasten a trainwreck, so that, when i REALLY need someone, they will be tested and true...and this is what this is...a test...to see if she can be who i need her to be to move forward here. i fear her failure, but see it as better now than later, when i am REALLY in a tizzy!!
this is just pseudo-tizzy/hysteria...although that phone call coulda provoked a crisis hotline number exchange by the lawsuit fearing therapist...
jill
dang, i WISH i could send this all to her, i will NEVER be able to say it to her. i REALLY wish i could be in a confessional booth...it would be SO MUCH MORE CONSTRUCTIVE!!!!!
the 'in the room' experience is just more stimulation and input than this girl can handle.
ease me in, don't BLIND me with the lights...i mean it, if those lights are on when i come in, i will be hellbent to just walk out the door the way i came in...and MORON should be able to figure that out!! how difficult is it, when a client asks twice about the lights, saying they really bother her, to remember to turn them off the next time!! i am no mind-reader, but, i would say this is a no-brainer!! really!!!
and how MUCH of a bonding experience would that be to a client to remember such a thing.
i don't get it.
oh, guys, i am BOILING right now. i am so miserable, i just can't wait to get in there and sort this out, and resolve this.
i guess i hasten a trainwreck, so that, when i REALLY need someone, they will be tested and true...and this is what this is...a test...to see if she can be who i need her to be to move forward here. i fear her failure, but see it as better now than later, when i am REALLY in a tizzy!!
this is just pseudo-tizzy/hysteria...although that phone call coulda provoked a crisis hotline number exchange by the lawsuit fearing therapist...
jill
df, just have a second, but thanks, and yes, that was a clever way to validate you, i have said what you said, 'it wasn't THAT bad', but i like that it was real, this is real.
so MANY of my feelings as a child were NOT validated, as i suspect yours weren't, so it IS hard for us to see that what we are feeling is REAL. real has to be touched, y'no?? but, this is real.
that is a great perspective, thanks for sharing. jill
so MANY of my feelings as a child were NOT validated, as i suspect yours weren't, so it IS hard for us to see that what we are feeling is REAL. real has to be touched, y'no?? but, this is real.
that is a great perspective, thanks for sharing. jill