I did get emotional support as a child about many things, from various people, but not about the problems I had with my parents specifically. I didn't start to get support about those issues until I was in college, really, which was when I finally got brave enough to start talking about them with someone who could be supportive.

Same here echo.....i got nothing from no one

Yes, I had an imaginery friend until age ??? and I had my dog from age 6. Those two handled everything for me!

I don't think I realised that you could talk to people about things.

I did have little pieces of support here and there but nothing really steady as the years went on. More often I had relationships that I thought were support but were actually people taking advantage of my desperation for affection and attention. But at the time any attention at all felt like support.

((((BLT))))((((AG))))(((((ECHO)))))((((LUCINA))))

It seems like we all got varying degrees of emotional support. My expereience was more in line with Echo's and Lucina, though like AG have a childhood friend who validated a lot of my pain but only when we were older. It's so nice to have my childhood friends who can really get "it".

What really astounds me now is that I know my parents couldn't give me emotional support because they couldn't face their own pain. And how their pain then just got played out, acted out and passed on. It's mind-blowing.

I too appreciate everyone here and think it's so a caring community. Yes, there have been times when we all didn't agree and maybe we were all acting out our own pain. But we all get that and we worked it out and got past it and we all grew. And I thank you all.



Liese

P.S. I'm editing this to add that yes,Echo, I think the animals do count. Thank God you had the animals.

((((SOMEDAYS)))))((((ORBIT)))))

We cross-posted.



Liese

Honestly, no. I talk to my brother and that is more about distraction (we talk about outdoor sports) than emotional support. Not that there's no value in that.

But.. nope.

Yes, I did.

1. my cat SJ from 14 - 18
2. my rabbit Dylon aged 10 - 13
2. my teacher when I was six
3. my friends (A, F & C) when I was 12 - 18
4. my trumpet teacher and his wife when I was 12 - 18
5. My P.E. teacher from 12-17

but I really needed someone more there for me when I was young. Especially from 3- 12.

I got good at getting a feeling of care from teachers I was close to but none of them knew anything of what was troubling me.

My best friend since I was 5 its not like I could tell her stuf or emotionally process things (I dissociated my feelings and has good cause to believe feelings = get you hurt) but she was/is consistently there. I'm fortunate in that growing up, despite my family, I had lots of friends and got along with adults in general but... Yea for enduring abuse and stuff I didn't talk about that but still felt rarely alone. My younger brother was also a place/person I could find deep connection and solidarity with - the relationship was a protector/protectee relationship but I mean I'd have been lost without him. I consider emotional support to be someone being there, being safe even if I couldn't confide in them due to my own fear stuff.

I guess I never really had that certain someone to talk about things with but I did have this one lady from my church who was always there for me. She was a great friend and still a great friend to me and I don't really tell her any of my emotional stuff but it's just nice to know she's always going to be there. Now that I'm in college and finally able to talk about things the emotional support from my tight knit group of friends (plus T) is beyond what I ever expected. I feel so blessed.

I had a grandma who lived me and encouraged me, but she didn't provide emotional support like I needed because she didn't know what was going on or what I needed. My family was moving from state to stare every 9 months or o from about age 12 and on so I wasn't able to make close friends or feel caring from teachers or anyone.

I had my grandmother off and on. She lived with us for awhile when I was ages 4-7 but then she and my mom had a terrible fight and she moved away to live with another aunt. I missed her terribly. She made me feel safe and she was always making something wonderful to eat. She moved back again when we moved to a newer house when I was 13 and stayed till I was 16 and then again... another fight and she moved away and never came back to live with us.

I think I would be much more screwed up if she was not around for those years. Even though when she lived with us the first time she spent most of her time taking care of my younger sister. But she was still there.

TN

Ah.. back when I was in my late teens I had my grandmother. She was unconventional- didn't bake, but gave me money to go buy oreos or some other sweet thing from the store. We would eat those, and we would talk. She was a good listener, and gave good feedback, and she was there through many of those "angst" years.

Sometimes I miss her.

6th-7th grade English teacher, (after reading my journal entries, I guess, he watched out for me more), then when I moved on to 8th, I still saw him after school at times to talk, and even when I went to high school for one year, I went back to talk to him, occassionally....then I moved to another state

I think that's the only person. I really needed someone in my life as a baby and young child....

I had friends, but couldn't tell them the big secrets....but they did help keep me busy and played (invited me to sport teams) and were there (when mom really never was)....when I moved to another state I was crushed and made very few friends....

Liese-

I had to wait awhile to post, as this question made me very, very sad.

When I was young ages 4-7 the person I received the most love and support from was the same person that took advantage of me sexually. He was an adult, but someone that looked out for my well being. This is the sorce of my of my confusion about stuff. I had an aunt that visited about 2x a year- she was the one I was super close to (stayed with her for a week when I was 8, but she died when I was 10. Of 5 children, I am the only one that sought out therapy. The rest of my family is in deep denial. the 3 oldest of us had it the worst at home, but we never bonded in trauma. My older sister is bitter and alone and my brother is living somewhere near Canada in the woods, estranged from us all. He is angry and unapproachable. I will say no more.
I had a hampsters. One at a time. I always named them "Rags".
How pitiful that sounds.
I have support now though.

(((((((((Number9))))))


((((((((( Sadly))))))))

(((((((( Cat )))))))

((((((( Jenny ))))))))

((((((((( Kansas))))))))

(((((((( Raven)))))))))

(((((((((TN)))))))))

((((((((( Number9 (again)))))))))

(((((((((((Ninn)))))))


Thanks for sharing. Big hugs to everyone.

(((((((((MAYO)))))))))

I can see how confusing it would all be. I'm so sorry.

I'm sad the question made you sad. But I'm sad most of the time so that's nothing new.



Liese

Wow I should count myself blessed because I had so many people around who would have supported me, but I never went to any one of them. I have numerous friends who I am still friends with since early childhood, my teenage years and some that I became friendly with in my twenties, all of which are still around, yet never once did I share any of my secrets with any of my family or friends. They are not fickle friendships or even shallow family relationships. We speak about everything except my hurts. They don't know. If it ever gets to a point in a conversation that seems to be focusing on the vulneralble part of me, I quickly turn it around and make the conversation about them, or even make a joke, but I never talk about me. Not like that anyway. It is my fault for not telling I guess, and I suppose it has everything to do with the shame and the guilt, and how much I care about my family and friends, in the sense that I never want to burden them. I never want them to think they could have done something. I will take all of their pain, but I am not happy to release any of my own pain and put it on their shoulders. I will suffer in silence - that is just who I am. So it is almost bitter sweet - to know that they are around, but to also know that I can't talk to them, and to keep trying to hide the depth of my pain inside. Then for me there was my relationship with God - that is who I have spoken to my whole life. That is who knows my pain and tears. That is who I felt running through my veins when I had nobody else. That is who I still feel every day of my life.

(I know we are all of differing faiths so I will not be specific in my beliefs, nor do I even expect everyone to understand or agree, it is just that without my faith I wouldn't have made it this far.)

born2write, you made me remember something.

I talked to my dad a lot. He died when I was 8 months old. Especially in going to sleep at night, when I cried myself to sleep a lot, I talked to him. Sometimes to God....but to him....think it was confusing if it was God or him. And, now, I don't talk to God....that's a whole nother issue for my current life, but, when I am in great pain, I talk to my dad (still). (Sometimes I believed I "felt" him near....)

Ninn, you probably did/do feel your Dad near. I guess whatever comfort you find that is what counts.

Hi Liese I did post - was trying to talk and explain why I don't talk and deleted -just couldn't leave it out there for so long - sometimes the time differences create problems!! Will leave this up for a bit!! Hope you're doing ok!

(((everyone))) interesting to see how everyone had different experiences

I had one friend here and there while growing up but I wasn't ready to open up and talk, I was very shut down and I always thought asking for help meant weakness and that people would like me even less for that.

The funny bit is that since I started therapy I became a lot closer to a good friend of mine, because I find it easier to share my feelings and thoughts.

(((((born2write))))))

((((((Ninn))))))

(((((((Eliana))))))

(((((((Morgs)))))))

It sounds like for even those of us who had someone to talk to, we were too shut down to do so. Or maybe it didn't even occur to us?

I can trace that back to my FOO who shut me down. Why would I risk going to anyone else? Why would any of us risk going to anyone else?

((((((MORGS)))))))

I'm so glad you posted. I think you are right that it was the time zone because I read this thread before I went to bedand then again about 45 minutes ago at the doctor's office. I didn't see your post at all.

Wouldn't it be great to have a thread with everyone's time zone on it? And with notations as to if it's 8 a.m. in your time zone, what time zone it would be in other's time zones?

More and more it just seems to come back to (aside from the abuse issues) getting emotional support. But people in general are so afraid of their emotions. Our own pain triggers theirs. It seems like a very tricky thing, learning who will be able to offer emotional support and who can't.

More

Thank you to everyone for sharing. I'm blessed that you shared with me.

Liese

(((((MORGS))))))

I just wanted to add something. I envy "you people" (hope that doesn't come off the wrong way) on the lighter threads, the coundown thread, etc., because I don't know how to banter like you guys do. I often don't get the jokes. It's one of those things that's kind of rapidly changing. Maybe the moods of it are rapidly changing and maybe I get into one mood and stay there and so it's hard for me to grasp the emotional waves of a thread like that.

Which could be why I like the other threads better, that stick usually to one theme.

It seems to me that being able to banter the way you guys do is a great skill to have out there in the world and one I wish I had. But maybe when I'm done with the therapy stuff, I might be able to let go a little more and be more emotionally fluid.

xoxoox

Liese

.

emotional support? what's that? but seriously, emotions weren't encouraged in my family. positive ones were okay, but if you had a "negative" emotion you were totally on your own. at 50 i'm beginning to realize there's a lot more to these feeling things than meets the eye. they have a lot more to do with your level of esteem, happiness, centeredness, identity, spirituality, etc. than i ever realized until recently. so, trying to figure it all out with Ts help since that sort of help was non-existent growing up. like Mayo said, i have support now, though!

I read this a few days ago and thought what a great question, but it’s really sad reading some of the replies .

I guess I fall into the no emotional support AT ALL category, but what I’m curious about and wondered if others were the same, is that at the time I didn’t know it. I had no idea what emotional support was, nor indeed did I know what feelings were and certainly didn’t recognize that I had them.

It’s only years later when I started learning about feelings and questioning things that I looked at other people and heard them talk about their childhoods that I realized I must have needed/wanted emotional stuff that wasn’t forthcoming in my family.

But I have a problem with having spent such a loooooooooong time living in this state of having experienced the absence of emotional support/understanding/empathy/sympathy as the status quo, it’s almost impossible for me now to know and recognize it when it is given . On the upside, I do now recognize that I need it and want it and just how totally absent any kind of emotional connection or acknowledgement of feelings/needs/wants was in my past.

Anyone else share this experience of not even knowing at the time what you were missing or being denied?

LL

quote:

I guess I fall into the no emotional support AT ALL category, but what I’m curious about and wondered if others were the same, is that at the time I didn’t know it. I had no idea what emotional support was, nor indeed did I know what feelings were and certainly didn’t recognize that I had them.

YES! You hit the nail on the head.

(((((MUFF)))))

quote:

I stopped asking for emotional support when I was an infant. Best to shut up and survive.

My heart aches for you Muff.

((((CLOSED DOORS)))) Glad you have support now.

((((LL))))) "On the upside, I do now recognize that I need it and want it and just how totally absent any kind of emotional connection or acknowledgement of feelings/needs/wants was in my past.

Anyone else share this experience of not even knowing at the time what you were missing or being denied?"

I didn't know what I was being denied and of course thought something was wrong with me and NOW something IS wrong with me. Funny how life works sometimes.

The hard thing about emotions is that they are invisible and lots of people are not aware of their own emotions. It makes it harder to have an honest and open exchange when that happens. And though they are invisible, they obviously have a huge impact on everyone and everything all the time. They really are huge and probaby the driving force of the universe.


(((((RAVEN))))) I take it you relate to that.



Hope everyone is hanging in there today.

Liese

hi Liese. absolutely i was not aware that i was missing or being denied anything, but how would you possibly know if you don't know any different? i just floated from day to day to year to year and decade to decade to never realize i was missing or being denied anything. and yes, i have ALWAYS thought something was wrong with me, that i was different somehow, but i couldn't put my finger on it and i hated that feeling and i hated myself for feeling that way. still do. and something is wrong with me now, too ... and the truth of it is, there was something "wrong" with me my whole life, and it started when i was just a normal needful kid that didn't get what i needed, and not even that but if i did express a need it was negated and i was a fool and a greedy s.o.b. for having any needs at all. sorry, i'm on a rant and i'm all hot under the collare now. i hear what you're saying, Liese, and i feel your pain. know what, though? look at us!!! ... we're adults and we're DOING something to turn this s*it around because somehow we are brave enough. somehow we know we need help and we're actually doing something about it. so seriously, go us!

.

yup ((( muff ))) it can be done and we'll do it as painful and unfun as it can be. at least we've got this forum and our Ts! (trying to be hopeful here)

b

kudos to you, muff. not sure how well i would have faired in therapy without this forum. it's been a big help to me while in therapy regarding not feeling so alone while going through the painful stuff. i hate to see others suffer, but there is comfort in communicating with others going through similar stuff.

monte, sorry for your hatred of xmas. that sucks. i glad, though, to hear you were able to turn that around and that your home is alive with people and life, both good and bad. you turned a s*itty situation around and are bringing up happy, healthy people. be proud of what you've accomplished with odds against you!

Conflicts, misunderstandings and arguments were part of life when I was born. I got used to it. I adapted. I didn't even think of telling people that there was something wrong at home. It's not that I didn't believe it, its that I didn't even think about it properly. It was normalized.

My family overseas were brilliant to me when I was a child. I'd see them for about 4 weeks of the year.

Other then that, no, I didn't feel there was anyone else.

Myself and my imagination.

My music. I wanted Mariah Carey to be my mother for a while at one point.

I still normalize things. I still don't deep understand the idea that my household was terrible. I could still walk back in there and feel numb. The only way I know is that my life and mind has been chaotic over the past 3 years.

I didn't. I have never had anyone that I could bare my emotions to. I've tried a few times, but my emotions are too intense for people to handle, which, in turn made my best emotional support my imaginary friends as a child, my cat, and the music I listened to drown out the thoughts, feelings in my head.