No I didn't. I have always thought that if I did have someone to talk to - I probably still wouldn't have.

Liese - for me - i think talking about problems wasn't the done thing. Probably when I was a toddler onwards - I learnt to shut up and just to 'get on with it'. A complaint or a cry was met with being hit "so you know what you are crying about".

I probably didn't know that other people shared problems. Would have been foreign to me.

(((((SOMEDAYS))))

No I didn’t either. But I didn’t know there was such a thing as talking to someone about problems anyway, didn’t know what they were, didn’t know what feelings were – the concept of someone being sympathetic and understanding and interested in ME didn’t exist in my world. I only learnt that such a thing existed when I started reading self help books Like Somedays, the idea of sharing problems was something totally foreign to me, I’ve had to teach myself to do it.

Do you think that not having had this experience when we were young has affected our being able to reach out for help and support now?

I find it hard even now to be completely open about things that bother me, and have this inbuilt expectation that if I talk about my pain/feelings/issues I’ll be judged as ‘bad’ – that it’s a crime not only to talk about negative self stuff, but to actually think/feel that way in the first place

LL

p.s. good question Liese!

Could talk to? I have to imagine there were probably people I COULD have talked to, but by the time they were around or I had enough of those sort of people present in my life, I had already learned not to talk. I did have a teacher/mentor who read all my poetry in high school and although we never really talked directly too much about what was going on with me, he had access to the information in a metaphorical construct. If he hadn't been there in that way, I'm sure I would have been dead at 16. I did have other people, especially after becoming a Christian (nearly 17) that would have been safe to be really vulnerable with, but as I said, I had already trained myself out of that, so while I could share events, I have never been able to share emotions (the actual experience of them, rather than a detached/intellectualized description of them), except with H and now with T, and both of those are hard won battles everytime...

quote:

Originally posted by SomeDays:
...I probably didn't know that other people shared problems. Would have been foreign to me.

Exactly this, coupled with the minor problem that I didn't really understand that my experience wasn't also happening in other families. I think I made it "normal" in my head, or something.

Although, I now will contradict myself and say that inherently I must've known on a core level that it indeed was abnormal because I certainly didn't escape the deep well of shame/guilt through which I view my world...I'm carrying that burden for the perpetrators.

But, Liese, to your specific question, no I had nobody to talk to. My sister was trying to survive her own experience and she did so by emotionally shutting down/disappearing. Even though we shared a room for the first 12 years of my life, we never discussed any of it as it was going on. We since, as adults, have discussed it. I'm not sure that it's been helpful, except to have certain memories validated.

Definitely, as an adult I am a broken toy in the "sharing" department. I don't know how to do it in real life. In relationships I make it all about the other person...and attract people who are fine to have it be made all about them, lol.

Nope.

(((DF))) A few things you said really hit me, was kind of what I was trying to say. Knowing the opportunity was probably there and I couldn't take advantage of it, make things different for myself, is kind of heartbreaking in and of itself. It's still such a war to let myself need (or, well, my T says acknowledge the needs without punishing myself for them, because they are there whether I actually sense them or not) anything from anyone and I nearly always have an adverse reaction to doing so.

Nope for me. Having feelings, emotions was forbidden so talking about things would have been the biggest no no

Definitely nope

nope from me either

Nor me

((((LL))))((((YAKU))))((((HEMLOCK))))(((((DF))))(((((FORGETMENOT)))))(((((JUSTMAYBE)))))(((((TETA)))))((((((STARFISHY)))))((((ECHO))))(((((HEV63)))))

My heart aches for all of us.

I wonder if other people who had normal lives or more normal lives had anyone to talk to? Or that's just was the way it was?

Or were some families more open and accepting and willing to communicate??

In my case, because I supposedly had the perfect family and we hid our problems, no one gave me any support and/or sympathy. I was the problem. But my friend who came from an openly dysfunctional family got lots of support from other parents and her peers.

May none of us ever have to walk in pain alone again.

Hugs to all,

Liese

P.S. I edited this add HEV because we crossposted!

I definitely had people I could talk to when I was growing up, but it almost seems irrelevant now because I didn't start having the sorts of problems that are difficult to talk about and that have landed me in therapy until I was in my twenties. That's when I started with the SI, SU ideation, dissociative experiences, and random bouts of intense anxiety and depression. I'm not really comfortable talking about those things with anyone, but I have talked with one very close friend, a little with my H, and with my T.

(((((HIC))))


The twenties were very hard for me too. Well, every decade really, if I'm honest. But the twenties were especially hard, when we are supposed to leave the nest that molded us.

I had no one-- I had to be the adult. No one cared enough to listen. I learned to shove it inside-- it's all coming out now with T.

(((((BROKEN)))))

That's good that it's coming out now with T. I'm sorry you didn't have anyone and you had to be the adult. That must have been hard. My H took on a similar role and it took a huge toll.

Liese

I had no one. I've been in therapy for a year now, and apparently the theme of being weird and screwed up comes up a lot because my therapist finally said to me one day that the one thing weird about me was that I had no one to talk to growing up. I guess I thought that was pretty normal but my response to it was screwed up.

He also said that as a result therapy seems to be more difficult for me and will probably take longer than your average person. Not to hijack the thread, but some of you in this same situation.... how long have you been in therapy?

And do you have difficulty opening up to your therapist? When did you get comfortable doing so?

Oh Katya,

Not to worry about hijacking. And you're not hijacking. What you are writing about is exactly what this thread is about. i'm so glad you posted. Wow. That's amazing that your therapist said it was wierd that you didn't have anyone to talk to because it's not so wierd around here. At least here, you can have the experience of being "normal". I had a hard time opening up to my therapist. Left my last therapist because I got scared. Felt too exposed. Too seen. Been with this one for four years and it's been a long, slow process. Not to say that your process has to be as long. But it is what it is, right?

I don't think I've ever really had anyone focus attention on just me and want to know what I think and feel and that it matters. And that's what made therapy so scary for me. I was so used to turning myself inside out for everyone else.

Anytime IRL if anyway paid any attention to me whatsoever, I would usually flip out internally.

I think he was saying weird in the context that I'm always worried that I'm odd, broken, or irreversibly damaged, and he was trying to say that my problems were normal and that not having anyone is the abnormal in that that was what was screwed up about my life and childhood. Kids are supposed to have people who care about them and encourage them to be open about their feelings.

And I never chose to go to therapy. We started going to him for marriage counseling, and he recommended individual counseling as well. It's been a good process, but it's difficult sometimes to talk to someone who also talks to my husband on a regular basis. I've shared this concern with him (it only took 6 months to do so), and he's been very understanding, even saying that I should feel free to see someone else if I feel like I need to, but that he enjoys working with me and would like to continue working with me if I'd like to.

It's very disconcerting to spend time with someone like this. I'm constantly waiting for criticism or disapproval and not getting it.

Didn't want to say however - 16yo a psychiatrist hospitalisation/25yo a psychiatrist for 5 years and for the last 18months - in the intervening years - no-one!

(((KATYA))))

It might get a little harder before it gets easier but hopefully it will get easier to talk to your T. Oh, Katya, it's taken me years to talk to T about some things. Just keep trying and keep talking and hopefully it'll get easier.

(((((MORGS)))))

You haven't had anyone to talk to for the last 18 months? What happened?

xoxo

Liese

Thinking more about this thread I know as a child I never realised many things:

That I could talk to anybody
That the things that happened to me didn't happen to other kids
That anybody might be able to do anything
That it wasn't my fault. Believing it was my fault stopped me from talking - T still tells me over and over how it wasn't. Now as an adult I know that in my head but it still feels like my fault often in my heart.

starfishy

Music was how I survived. I used to listen to it for hours on end and fantasize quite heavily. I wanted Mariah Carey to be my mother.

I wish I had known the concept of talking about things. It is why being on here and seeing T is so powerful and is releasing so much stuff I think. It's so new and scary to me.

I get down so much sometimes because I crave purity. I know that no one is perfect. But I cannot easily accept my hypersensitivity when people are unfair. I walk away. I once cried when I was stroking a stranger's dog because it was so 'pure'. Sometimes when I stroke dogs and they bound up to me enthusiastically, it makes me emotional. Why can't we be so much more accepting? Why are we all in so much pain? It hurts.

(((((STARFISHY)))))

How would you know that it didn't happen to other kids or that someone could do something or that you could have talked to someone? We don't have a frame of reference when we are children. It's all we know. It's the truth of our lives. I hope someday you can FEEL the real truth of it all, that it wasn't your fault. (((((STARFISHY)))))

Liese

(((((FORGETMENOT))))

Oh, I can see we have a real age difference thing going on here because I could be Mariah Carey's mother. She is a doll, though, isn't she?

Music is soooo powerful, isn't it? So glad you had at least that and it was comforting.

I get so mad very often when I think of all the seemingly unnecessary pain we all live through on this planet when answers and solutions are readily available. I am hypersensitive, like you, and I don't know if that will ever go away. I don't know if I will ever be able to tolerate insensitive, uncaring people or want to be a part of their lives. I don't know if I will ever be OKAY with unfairness. But, maybe those are good things, FMN. Because it's people like us who balance the world against people like them. We need to push back. Keeping pushing and keep fighting. We need more people like you.

Liese

Hugs to you Liese

Oh gosh, it is SO powerful! I used to listen to hours of music. If I get confident enough in myself, I would like to create music and let other people listen to it. I play piano for myself when I have access to it and it really helps me. The more depressed I feel, the more sensual my music becomes and the more I love playing.

Do you like Mariah Carey? I like a lot of her older stuff. Her voice was heavenly.

I do think that hypersensitivity can be somewhat of a blessing, especially in a very male/competitive and orientated world. So I think you are right, hypersensitivity is needed in such a world. A yin yang balance as they say.

Thankyou for your nice worlds Liese. We all need more people like us I think, I agree. People who see the sadness in such horrors of human behaviour and a strong willingness to create that balance with emotion.

I have extremely strong convictions on proper parenting. When I see parents in the street not treating they're child with emotional respect, I get surges of anger. It hurts me to see an innocent child being treated so ignorantly.

Thanks for the hugs (((Liese))), isn't it powerful to share experiences with people you know will understand?

FMN I totally agree about parenting. I have cried in supermarkets seeing parents shout and mistreat their children. I can't bear it I was determined to tell my kids that I loved them every day and for them to be secure enough in that knowledge because of their parents' actions. I once asked my (now grown up) daughter if she ever doubted that we loved her, to which she smiled and said 'absolutely never'. I have held that moment very dear to me.

starfishy

(((((FMN))))

I love Mariah Carey and her 8 octave voice! She had a bit of a rough time growing up herself. She grew up in the town next to mine so I feel a little bit of a connection with her. She went to my H's high school. She's a homey and I feel protective of her! Nick better take good care of her!

Adults seem to forget all too quickly how it feels to be a kid. Or worse, they just treat their children the way they were treated. I have to say, though, parenting is hard and good parenting is harder. We never know what kind of a burden someone is carrying and they might be carrying it all by themselves.

I'm on the more conscientious side. And it's not that I was abusing my children because I wasn't. I was suppressing my anger towards them, say, when they got rowdy or out of control or didn't want to cooperate with me, because I didn't want to be THAT kind of parent. People even made comments to the effect that they'd never seen me get mad. But then I wasn't doing some really important limit setting with them that I needed to do. As much as they love them and I do, having children for me has been like living my worst nightmare everyday because everything they go through triggers my stuff from the past. It's not easy being a parent. Thank God for therapy. (Did I really say that?)

Let's just hope there are enough 'good enough' parents out there and that we are getting better all the time as information becomes more readily available and mainstream.

xoxoxo

Hugs back to you,

Liese

No one ever "got" me. I feel intensely; no one understood the pain.