I've purposefully gone out of my way to NOT know anything about my T - and she doesn't disclose anything about her and her life either (which suits me perfectly, especially due to previous experiences with Ts telling me too much).
yesterday i accepted her offer to make me a hot drink (post session, i wasn't feeling 'safe' and she was going to make some phone calls to try to find me some weekend support, so she suggested a hot drink while i wait - and while i tried out a new prn med my dr suggested i try while in their waiting room).
i was feeling so spaced out… i tend to avoid making any eye contact, or even looking at her feet or even looking up. i honestly couldn't tell you most times i see her what colour she was wearing, thats who much i avoid looking up.
anyway, i sit and when she passes me coffee to me i just see her hand (impossible to avoid seeing it since i had to take the cup from her).
all i remember thinning then was 'what small nice hands she has' (nice as in well looked after unlike mine, where i bite my fingernails).
later on though, i suddenly realized i think she was wearing a ring … since then I've been trying to storm my brain to think which hand it was on, what kind was it, was it two or just a plain silver one? cos i THINK i remember it was a plain silver band …
why would this upset me? because i really really DON'T want to know if she has a partner, is married, or isn't married, or has a family - i think my biggest fear would be running into her outside of therapy and she's with her family - i find it very threatening (for some reason) to imagine she does have a family.
if i knew for sure it was a ring, and she wan married id feel devastated.
i don't know exactly why? jealousy? having it reinforced I'm NOT the centre of her life? (oh i do not I'm not of course, but sometimes our young emotional parts are not logical at all).
i feel torn between looking for it next time i see her (which would involve looking up somehow) and pretending i didn't see it, and its not real.
if i knew i could look up and see she HAS NO RING id be freaking happy - die be reassured and know it was just my imagination.
there is a possibility i did imagine it - cos i also, at one point when trying to picture her hand, couldn't remember if she had dark nail polish on or had none at all - and if i can get that so wrong, then chances are seeing a ring might not have happened either …
and if it was a plain ring with no stones on it, it hardly means it is a marriage ring …
ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
just wish my head would shut up.
please someone tell me how to ignore what i MIGHT have seen? its' already really uncomfortable for me that i let her make me a hot drink and let her phone me (to tell me about the support over the weekend). i feel i let her 'too close' and i do feel so yick ;(
wish i could undo yesterday. wish i could undo saying yet to the hot drink (i did it because i felt it as the 'right' thing to do - as in challenge myself cos inside i was SCREAMING 'NO FARKING WAY!!!!!).
more than anything i wish this stuff didn't bother me.
i need my T to be a blank slate - i need to know nothing about her, at all. don't know if anyone can relate to this crazy mess but its where I'm at right now!
I don't know if that thought might help a little.