So, I think most of you guys know my mom is a pianist. I was in the middle of some kiddo feelings toward T (like "Are we there yet?" in a car ride where the destination is our next session). Suddenly, I felt like, I wish I could take my T to see my mom play and sing, to see she can't possibly be the horrible, narcissistic person I've made her seem like to him somehow...that she can be so beautiful, like an angel. That she has so much feeling inside her.

And yeah, then I feel, again, like she was just meant to do that, because she has so much passion there. And she was never...ever...meant to be my mom...maybe a mom at all. And I was just never meant to be and it would have been better for her if I never was.

So, then I was just filled with kid-feelings of wanting to see mom play (yes, somewhere deep down, I guess they are not completely apathetic about her, but they ONLY feel connected when she is playing and singing). So...she has some youtube videos up and, unfortuntely, not the best, because she sounds better on an actual piano than a keyboard...but there is one song "Open Arms" which is among the ones I would hear her sing when I was little. So, I watched it and told Boo, "Look, it's grandma." Boo said, "And grandma's singing!" And I see her singing and playing and, maybe not looking happy, but focused and passionate. I guess the kids want to know why she never looked that way about us...why she looked wild, angry, impatient, frightened, tired, numb, but never lit up, passionate, focused.

And now I'm feeling like it's impossible that she is this horrible person I have somehow made her out to be. It's all in my head. I am the worst daughter. It's ridiculous for me to be so messed up by this person. And if she was as severely neglectful and abusive as I seem to have convinced my T, despite saying it is no big deal...there has to be something wrong with me that brought that out in her.

Anyway, wish I could share the youtube of her with you guys, but not wise on the OF, as it has her name.