TAS, I don't know that this is very helpful, but as much as I fear something, the more I know I need to see T and work on it. What a better time for you to tell him that it has been turbulent, how hard it was to go to the session and it was hard to hear the truth. Share this with him, let him walk the journey with you. He wants to do this with you.

Would you consider my words and try to go today?

Rebuilding Me:

I will consider your words Thank you!
If he can't get me in, I asked him to schedule an appointment later in the week if he has an opening.

I know the answer is not to run, I just feel frozen. If I move towards him, what happens? If I back away, what happens?

I want this fear to subside.

All the best,
T.

I've never canceled a session. I've talked to T about my feelings of wanting to cancel or that I should in order to spare him. And when I do that, it is much more difficult when I have to go back and confirm with him, "So, even though I said all that stuff about what I was feeling about coming, do we still have a session?" Last time I did this, he said:

"It [not meeting] was never a serious consideration for me. Of course, if you persisted, eventually I would respect your decision, but I really understand your desperate need to feel safe at times by distancing yourself from threatening feelings. You almost always finish the process (in fairly short order, I might add) by owning the defensive/protective nature of the action. I really am not upset at all by your need to manage overwhelming (initial) feelings/anxieties. It's a safety valve. It is fine..." Then some spiritual stuff that applies to our work together.

Anyway, I didn't know if it would help you to imagine that Ts do understand when we do this. And if your T is upset by it, it's probably because the one you're hurting is you, your own growth, and your own healing. I think my T is so understanding about it for a few reasons:

1. Just who he is as a therapist, very accepting.

2. Because I acknowledge that what I'm doing when I tell him maybe I shouldn't come or should quit or should leave early during a session is a defense, and explore that with him what feelings are triggering my need to do that. So it's actually a point of learning/growth for me, since I follow through the need to hide or run to its source internally, and ultimately, in the past.

3. It's not a pattern for me to act out on these impulses, but rather to talk about them every time they come up. Not saying there's anything wrong with acting on them necessarily, but if it became a pattern with me that I wasn't committed or needed to demonstrate control in that way and was preventing rather than aiding in my moving through these attachment dilemmas, I think my T would probably take a stricter approach with me, for my own good. He would want me to be committed to the process and he has called me out on it when I "run away" within the session without physically leaving, not so much in my dissociation, but other things, like distracting from or avoiding really important issues, arguing semantics or insignificant details rather than focus on the feelings that are coming up...

I am frozen pretty frequently in sessions. I get stuck where the disorganized attachment feels like moving even a millimeter in either direction might kill me. It's hell. Really. I think a lot of people will understand how that feels. The best thing I can recommend to do is say, "I made a commitment to go, so I am going to go." And when you're there if ALL that is coming up is, "I'm so scared to be here with you," then that's all you talk about for as long as it takes, until you get at some of the things behind being afraid to approach. But, you have to actually put it out there for it to work.

As scared as I am to get close, I get more scared to run away, because there were so many people in my life that just went "poof" into nowhere, so it feels like one mistake like that and T could be gone, poof. I don't think he would be, but it feels that way inside. One thing I admire about your T is he has shown there is definitely no poof even when you feel the need to run away, or feel negatively about him. That makes me feel really safe about him even if there are some other areas I might not understand how he works.

Anonymously: This will definitely give me something to think about until I see him again...

I need to just tell myself there are no excuses for missing, unless terribly sick. I just thought it would get easier with time...

It is a commitment...even when it's hard...I need to keep the commitment.

I have been hung up on the whole 'he doesn't understand' and have told him that a couple of times. But what does it mean for someone to understand? Maybe what I mean by it and what he demonstrates are two different things...and my idea of understanding could be skewed.

Thank you for your reply and thank you for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate it All the best.

T.

I cancel from time to time. It can help me regroup and figure out my focus. I don't think canceling giving the therapist at least 24 hour notice - I don't usually do it at the last minute) is a big deal. I find it very useful for me. I have never found that going when I did not want to go was a good idea. It never helped me to go at those times.
I have only rescheduled when work created a conflict with my regular appointment. If I cancel because I need space,I don't then try to make another appointment that same week.

I am the opposite. I cancelled next week and my T is not accepting it and is encouraging me to go to the sessions. She is keeping them open for me to change my mind.

This annoys me as much as Tas' T won't let her reschedule.

My T is correct from a therapy viewpoint to do this as she is right in that I am pushing her away as I am going through some bad stuff and that me not attending would be detrimental to me. I just have to get to that level of acceptance and trust that she knows best. I am not there yet.

Somedays