Oh,dear I'm so confused and head-wrecked after my session. Sitting here with a second glass of wine and an headache (from both crying and wine probabaly).

I haven't seen my therapist for 10 days, untill today. Usually after a break I have doubts if I still love him. It takes me time to be back close to him again. I wanted to have such a joyfull "back with you again" session. Instead I was crying my eyes out.
First I wanted to be angry and punish him for leaving me for 10 days, but then I wanted to forgive him and share some nice things with him: like I had a new pair of shoes on, I got a new skirt that I really like, and I met a really nice man (that I'm going to have a second date with, but that's another story and another reason to worry, make my head spinning etc).
It started off with me wanting to pick a book from his new bookshelf and read it for some time. These are mostly psychotherapy and psychology books.
He refused. He said that I can't read his books. Basicly "no, you can't read my books". And that "No" hurt me so badly that for the rest of the session I was a small crying child. I don't get why he didn't want me to take a book from a bookshelf, but I guess that's not the point. His "No" meant a rejection, or almost a rejection to me. My eyes are still sore from all these crying. (Later on he explained that these are not necessarily nice books, but still...)
Something hurts there so badly, that I can bearly stand it. He spoke about anger for a while, but I don't feel any anger, except for a tiny annoyance at him. he says that I need to keep him perfect.
I don't get this part at all - my reaction to his "no". I had this fantasy of me and him sitting there and just reading books for a while. I thought that would be so nice to do this together. Intimacy, he called it. That shook me again, made me cry and hurt even more.
I honestly don't understand what happened during that session. Something hurt there very much.

At the end I gave him a birthday card, he had his 35th birthday couple days ago. I wrote that he is the best therapist I could have ever met and that I thank him for all the difference that he's making to me my life and for all that he is. I still love him so much, but I'm so confused about my feelings right now. I wish I could have a decent rant, maybe I could come up with some explanation and understanding. Anybody has any idea?
is it all about the difference betwenn "No" and rejection?