I do not think I would form any emotional attachment to a man. I do not dislike men, just do not have that much emotional response to them. In terms of resonance, men do not resonate with me at all. I guess what I am asking is whether there needs to be an emotional response to them or not. I have never thought about seeing a man and I never use men as doctors, dentists, always chose women professors etc, but I do seem to get into a great ambivilence with female therapists. Perhaps my bigger problem is I cannot figure out how therapy is supposed to work.

Hi Stoppers,
Thought you might be interested in an old thread on this topic:
Male T vs Female T

AG

I would not be able to do therapy with a male psychologist.

****Trigger warning, SA



When I was 8, I was SA by a neighbor who was a psychologist. Because of this, I cannot effectively work with a male psychologist. At least not at this point. Perhaps someday I can and it might even be healing to do so, but for now, I must work with a woman.

stoppers. i would try it, if you haven't had luck with the women.

crazy as it sounds, i do think it makes a difference.

i 'would' tend to think women are more sensitive, more intuitive, etc. but, not necessarily so.

i actually like men better. i had mom and sister issues growing up, which could influence it. i want to fight with women, and i FEEL like i can see right through them to their hidden agenda. and, maybe i am right at times. can't be right all the time though.

too, i thought i might need a women t to 'lick this i hate women attitude'...but, i don't think it is going to work that way for me.

the dynamic with men, IS differnet, at least for me. i like men, men have usually liked me. my dad seemed to like me, although he never told me, or hugged me or those type things. there is a 'charm' in a way to the atmosphere. a charge, maybe. but, i think alot of it is just feeling the possibility for acceptance that i don't feel with women. and these things CAN be self-fulfilling. and for me, i think they have been.

i guess i feel, both are good. my male t now is incredibly tender and intuitive. i felt my female t didn't have empathy for me. and got a bit impatient with my 'pollyanna' problems.

i dunno, the chemistry is a big part of it, and at this point, i am just going with what FEELS good.

so, give it a try.

and i can talk about sex with him, easily. it helps that he is 30 years older! paternal transference. and that, is what i think i need.

good luck, and it is just a personal opinion. each of us has different needs and perceptions. and they are all RIGHT for that person!

jill

bg, it is funny. i have not talked about sex with any other t. he brought it up early. and has used terms, penis envy type stuff, that provides a bit of levity, and openness. he asked me about early boyfriends, i brought up the 'intensity' and dependency issues.

i guess, HE brought it, indirectly, up, and i personalized it. and for whatever reason, don't feel TOO uncomfortable about talking about it with him. the age helps. coulda never with t1 (male my age).

too, i think he is just danged good. doesn't overreact, and i have said some incriminating things. just a darned good analyst. pray for longevity.

and, i LIKE being able to talk about this stuff with him. now, i don't give graphic information. and don't talk crudely. but, like you are talking to a doctor. too, he says things, stories, that help. he told me once he asked a lady about these things, and she said, 'doctor, that is private!' and he replied that this is where that stuff can be talked about. it is appropriate. and that we humans have some very animalistic, and real, and appropriate, drives.


he just normalizes it all, and makes me feel ok saying anything. he takes the shame away.

it ALL just feels ok in there. even really ugly, hostile feelings towards my mom. he is ok hearing, and is supportive of my feelings, sometimes he says things like...'you feel really angry, like boxing their ears, but, of course, you can DO that.'

feelings, thoughts, fantasies, dreams, it is all ok to TALK about in there. the world is just so much more open in there. no shame, no 'bad-jill'.

i hope it is contagious!!

good luck, bg. do it!! it is ok!! that is where you CAN say anything (which is another thing he encourages).

jill

I think what happens with me and female therapists is I immediately turn them into bad mother. I do not think I would turn a male into good or bad father (but of course I could be wrong). I think I would be a lot more detached from a male but I do not know whether that detachment is a good or bad thing.

sorry, i am on a roll.

'differences in male and female therapists?'

uh.

i guess i am too deep into freud lately, but, uh, i can just see one thing, and this, is NOT a cigar.

sorry, the humor on the other threads has me a bit loopy!!

jill

I've only seen a male T once and it was one session. He asked me about my drinking (I was in college!!) and insisted I was an alcoholic. I said I wasn't. He said I was in denial. I said I wasn't in denial. He said he wouldn't work with me unless I admitted it. I said, "you are fired."

Female T's, I end up with mom issues and sometimes sister issues. Male T's I'm sure would end up in dad issues and erotic transference. No thanks. I need a robot T. Really.

'robot t'...good one, strm!!

yep, i pretty much have narrowed it down to male t's over 70.

i may think about a robot, though, if this doesn't pan out!! really, all they would need to do is emit warm rays, smile, and tell me they love me. really, hmmmm....that's about it.

jill

I just wish there was a book I could read and be done.

stoppers, i wish it were that easy. believe me, i have read the books. the thing is, it takes TIME. ugh, i hate that about therapy. this right brain stuff, that most of us have need of support, takes TIME. but, it does happen. the books are good, too. there is a thread on that, i'll see if i can find it and post it.

hang in there, jill

The reason books alone do not work is because most of us in therapy were damaged in our lives interpersonally or interrelationally (meaning other people hurt and harmed us) and so the best way to heal is to have a good, caring, supportive, nurturing experience with another person (a T... because it needs to be about us). It takes time as jill said, and attunement and, I believe, a good right brain connection.

As for male vs female... I can't work with a female T. I tried when my oldT abandoned me but I was not comfortable at all. Perhaps because of my "mother" issues. I also think I've been searching for a good Dad all my life and I thought I found one in oldT. He didn't want the role and so now I'm trying with my current male T. They also have to be at least around my age and not younger. I think that would bother me in some way.

TN

TN

I also require that they must be older than I am which, as I am quite firmly middle-aged, is getting trickier. I not only have to find one who is old enough and taking clients, but who is not going to die on me right off the bat.

The good thing about the male t idea is I cannot imagine forming any kind of non-superficial relationship with a man, regardless of his t-ness, and so it sounds safer but I do have a much bigger emotional pull towards women. I am not heterosexual, so perhaps that is why I cannot imagine a man mattering to me one way or the other. I am friends with men and work with them fine and all, but really not much emotional investment in them.

And thanks for the book thread offer or I could just do a search for it myself rather than pathetically waiting for someone else to give me the info.

I think I'd find a male T hard. Now I have to say I've never had one, so that is from a gut feeling rather than experience, but think that my child ages would be really scared of talking to a man. There is a different empathy and understanding that comes from a woman, so many times I don't have to actually say the words to my T because she just gets it and knows....the same is not for my husband. He is a very intelligent, gentle and caring soul, who desperately wants to get it too, but needs the seemingly very obvious spelt out sometimes But all Ts are different, male or female, so maybe in that way sex doesn't matter - it's more things like the personality, skill and empathy that's important.

starfish

I know that this is a bit of an old thread; and I was going to start a new one regarding the gender of a prospective T; but when I saw this thread I thought I'd tack my questions on the end.

From wondering last night about the effect both my mother AND my father had on my upbringing;and the fact that a lot of what we discuss in therapy relates to our primary caregivers, that led me to thinking about male and female T's!!, and it threw up a load of questions in my mind that may or may not be relevant.

So when we decide or are informed that we might benefit from seeing a therapist most of us have the choice of who we go to see. One of those choices is 'do I want to see a man or a woman, or doesn't it really matter to me'. Do we make that decision consciously or subsconciously? I mean; I guess at the time we make that choice we're not aware of what the actual issues are, and so is the gender of the T important? Do we somehow look for a T that we think is going to give us what we've never had, even though we might not know what we've never been given? Are we looking for a mother figure or a father figure without realising it? Are there any benefits in having two T's, one male, one female, to establish secure attachments with both sexes? Does the gender of our T have any bearing on our healing at all? Has anybody seen both male and female T's, and was there any difference in the healing or the things worked on? Once I'd factored in things like tranference and ET I ended up even more confused about the whole thing.

I'm pretty sure I chose my female T because a) I find them very much easier to talk to, and b) I knew there were some attachment issues that needed to be worked through. But; is there or would there be any benefit in trying to talk to a male therapist as well?

I did even wonder if; like a child that doesn't get what he wants from one parent and then tries the other one instead; if we haven't subconsciously put the responsibility for our hurt onto one parent already and then choose our T as a replacement for the other one so that we can 'moan' about the one we think has failed us. Maybe that's going too far and I'm just rambling now.

Help!!

HI AV,

Great topic!!

quote:

But; is there or would there be any benefit in trying to talk to a male therapist as well?

People have said that we have different issues with each gender. I guess if you buy that theory then even if you go through therapy with your current T and complete it successfully, it is quite possible that different issues might arise if you worked with a man, for instance.

However, I could see someone being able to work out the gender differences even if they stayed with the same therapist. If you work with a woman, it might mean focusing on developing relationships with men outside of therapy and then working through the transference issues that arise through the course of those relationships with your therapist. It might take longer and of course the men themselves aren't therapists so if there are other issues, it could get a little more entangled.

I wonder how other people feel about it. I know I tend to get along better with men than with women and I've worked better with men therapists than with women therapists. I'm far from resolving any issues it seems so I'm not quite ready to switch back to a woman. LOL!

Great question.

Interesting topic. I used to think I preferred a female T, then I decided I preferred male Ts, now I realize I don’t like either!

Nah ultimately I’m indifferent, I think they both have their pluses and minuses and I don’t know how to work out which gender would fit my issues best so I just take whomever seems to be the best T at the time. LOL.

Liese makes an interesting point about working out some issues with one gender and then switching to another gender to work out other issues which can’t be resolved with the other gender. I believe AG wrote at length about this in her own therapy journey.

I’ve also heard that one can have maternal/paternal transference with either gender T – they don’t have to be the same gender as the parent we’re transferring from. Not too sure about that one though.

AV sounds like you’re digging away at some deep and meaningful things there. I don’t think you’re rambling, it’s good to see you posting

LL

((((Liese)))) ((((Lampers))))

Thank you both for your thoughts. I think I'll stick with my lovely lady T; the thought of opening up in front of another guy makes my stomach turn. I really don't think I could do it.

Liese; it was interesting what you said about experiencing transference with men outside of the therapeutic setting. It's certainly not something I've ever experienced and I'm not sure that I'd be able to cope with it with a 'non therapist' in a less safe situation.

I'm still not sure about that first basic choice we make though; Male? Female? Don't mind? I'll have to ponder more on that one.

I think that you have asexualise them. They are not one or tuther, take the sex out of it and it becomes neutral.

Thats an interesting theory Scars.
For me personally I had already somehow
decided on the gender of my T before I even
realised I needed one! And I was trying to get
my head around why that should have been so.

I guess what matters most is that we are happy
with them and form a good solid working relationship
at the end of the day.

Hey AV!

Have to say my choice in terms of T's or very close friends for that matter has always been female. That is not to say I don't get on with men. Growing up I was such a tomboy and as a result had a lot of guy friends. I really enjoy talking to men about certain topics of conversation, but somehow the conversations are different to what I talk to females about. I think I just identify more with females. On top of that I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a male T about sexual issues, and since some of my issues are around that topic I would never even consider going to a male T. I guess it depends what your issues are and what sort of person you are. No right or wrong answer in general, just a right or wrong answer for you.

B2W