my.tai, hello

i go through all sorts of flashbacks sometimes while in session ranging from the full on its happening there and then to more just sensory flashbacks where i can hear or smell things.
grounding is a hard one. while it happens, t will just gently remind me every few minutes she is there. she will not come towards me as she knows it may freak me out if she does that.

when the flashback susbsides a bit we will ground together, she does the grounding with me rather than just talk me through it. first she and i take off our shoes so my feet and hers are firmly planted on her carpet and i can feel the floor. we do breathing exercises together, breathe in for one and out for two. sometimes it is comforting for me to hold something at this point so t will pass me a cushion i have there, or she will give me her heart shaped stone to hold. or she gets me to focus on one of her objects she has in the room like her wooden buddha and i can then visually re -orientate to the present.

i can be prone to these outside too, so t and i have developed a safety kit which includes sensory things i respond to like lemon oil (aromatherapy), wooden beads of different textures to hold and i concentrate on repeating the colours of them and feeling them in my hands, and chewing gum something to do with the brain and movement of chewing the gum linking up. Weird but it works for me.

i am sorry you are going through flashbacks, i hope that you can find somethings that can help you a little with them
pingles

Hi mai.tai,

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. I know how painful and scary flashbacks can be. My new T...yeah not so good at that lol. But I wanted to share about old T a little bit. She had made me a scarf once out of incredibly soft material. I brought it into session with me each time after she gave it to me. Usually I was holding onto it when we were discussing trauma, but if I wasn't, she would hand it to me if I started to have a flashback. She would gently hold it in my hands with her hands very softly and move my fingers to feel it to remind me where I was. Basically anything soft and gentle would have worked for me. Something about very soft material rubbing between my fingers and over my hands calms me. We talked about this before as well so that I would know she was going to touch me. Also, gently saying my name repeadetly and telling me she was there helped. I could hear it eventually and it brought me back. We also practiced breathing. She would breathe with me, deep breath in, count 1, 2 and deep breath out.

I hope you can talk openly with T about it and find something that works. The first time I completely relived a trauma in front of old T it was very scary b/c we had no plan in place to help bring me out. I think its great you are thinking ahead. Wishing you peace and calmness.

Ok. I apologize ahead of time because this is going to be long. I didn't get around to creating a plan to help bring me out of a flashback with my T because I had one.

*I recorded yesterday's session with my T so that I would remember what I said and what happened just in case I totally checked out.*

I went into see my T yesterday stressed out about the holidays and potentially having a flashback in her office. She knew I was stressed out about the holidays, so we spent over 30 minutes just talking about it and making sure I knew how I was going to handle it if I needed a break from a drama creating family member (not my abuser).

I started getting tunnel vision and I could hear my uncle's voice talking over my T. Going back and listening to the session, once my T realized that I wasn't just dissociating I can hear her getting up and moving to a different chair closer to where I was on the floor. She tried to talk to me to remind me it wasn't happening now, and to try and tell her what was happening if I could hear her. There is silence for a while, then I can hear my T kick off her shoes and come sit in front of me.

She told me she was going to put her hands of the tops of my feet to try and ground me. She kept talking to me quietly, telling me what she was doing, to try and feel her hands on the tops of my feet, to come towards her voice and the music playing (she now plays quiet music during our sessions because I find it helpful). She kept saying that there was nothing in her office that was going to harm me.

When I felt the flashback ending I could still hear her saying nothing was going to harm me here, and I could feel her hands on my feet. Then I started to cry, which is also something I was terrified of doing in front of my T (not because of her but because my uncle would punish me for showing emotion). I was wearing a sweatshirt that had a high neck on it so I pulled it up over my face so she couldn't see me. She told me that I didn't need to hide.

She told me she was really sorry for everything that happened to me. She tried to give me a pillow at one point and she told me to yell into it and she was going to yell with me. I couldn't, it was too much for me, that would be like saying I felt anger for what happened to me and no matter how much I think about it I can't feel anger towards it. My T then moved next to me and told me she putting her hand on my back but that she wasn't behind me or over me, because she knows I don't like that.

And I started to hyperventilate cry, basically this happens when I get so overwhelmed with emotion that I end up crying so hard I hyperventilate at the same time as I'm crying. My T immediately told me I was hyperventilating and that I needed to try and slow my breathing down. She kept telling me that I was doing great (don't feel like I was doing great). I got my breathing under control. But then I started to feel like I was slipping off, like an odd calm come over me. Not a healthy calm, but one where I wanted to escape to and hide in.

My T still had her hand on my back and feet and knew pretty much right away that this was starting to happen. So she told me to not go to that place, that I let myself have some feelings, that it was the first time I let myself do that and it was a really big start. She told me don't get scared now (I get scared having emotions, she knows this). She wanted me to look at her (which I couldn't). She told me she wasn't going anywhere and that she could be with me in what ever feelings I have. This was the end of our session, so she was trying to get me into a safe place before I left.

She kept telling me I needed to come back, that I didn't need to be afraid because nothing bad was going to happen. She talked me through my breathing because I stopped - which is what she says I do when I'm going to dissociate. She reminded me to just do gentle breathing and stay away from the heavier breathing because that would take me into the emotion and I don't want to do that right before I leave.

She said I did great during that session. She said Merry Christmas to me, told me that next year is going to be a better year for me. Told me to sit in the car until I could get myself together. She said she knew I didn't want to look at her but that it was important that I did right then - she was rubbing my arm and she bent down to look into my face (I still couldn't make eye contact with her).

Honestly I'm freaking out that I had a flashback in front of her, and cried - especially to the point where I hyperventilated. So now I don't see my T until the first Friday in January. She wanted me to try and come in on Monday but I don't know my hours for work so I couldn't actually book an appointment for a specific time with her. We booked all of my January appointments, but I'm so embarrassed and nervous to go back after yesterday. Honestly everything my T did helped, or at the very least didn't make things worse for me (which is a huge positive). Maybe my feelings will change over the holidays and I won't be so nervous and embarrassed to go back in January.

((MY T)) I'm sorry for what you are experiencing with these flashbacks. Sounds like you really have a T that is really tuned in, and cares a lot about you. Maybe it was a real positive thing that you did have a "flashback" in front of her, because her seeing it firsthand, gave her and upfront idea of what you are experiencing, and than your T can help you better like she did. The more T's experience, the better they become at what they do. Please don't be embarrassed by your feelings. You have a right to your feelings, and they are coming out, and this is all good progress. You are very important, keep going back to your T and keep healing. Let us know how you are.

Well, I contacted my boss today to see if he knew anything about our hours for Monday. Whether we started early/ended early, or regular hours. He still didn't know but said as it stands right now it is regular hours so to assume that when I'm booking any appointments.

So I called my T and asked if the Monday appointment was still available. She called me back and said it is and she will see me Monday.

So now I don't really have time to let my anxiety and nervousness settle. Major internal conflict on whether to run to my T or away. I don't know if I will even be able to show my face if I go. I might end up turtling into a sweatshirt again.

SP I know my T would prefer if I didn't hide, but I guess hiding is better than not going right?

I'm kind of glad I have a Monday appointment too, but again, still the internal conflict of running to or away from my T at the moment. I'm glad because all day yesterday, and all last night (and now into today) I've been bombarded with an image of a small child sitting in a dark corner. She is gagged, and her hands are tied. Her eyes are dark, almost black. Her skin is ashen, she isn't dead but she isn't alive either.

I know this is not a memory, I don't feel that attachment/connection to it. But it is really disturbing and unsettling.

Have any of you ever had something like that before?

Yes, yes and yes my.tai. I do understand that kind of an image. Same thing for me too. It is not a specific memory, more a emotional memory of dread, death, darkness, not existing or in between existence and non-existence.

quote:

Originally posted by Rebuilding Me:
Yes, yes and yes my.tai. I do understand that kind of an image. Same thing for me too. It is not a specific memory, more a emotional memory of dread, death, darkness, not existing or in between existence and non-existence.

Yeah I'm not too sure what this is about. I'm a member on another forum too, so that's why I don't post often here. But other people keep mentioning an "inner child" and I have always believed that I don't have one. Not because I don't believe that aspect exists, I just don't believe it exists in me for one reason or another. If I ever had an inner child I probably killed her a long time ago.

So I found it disturbing that after I had this flashback and cried in front of my T (two things which I was terrified to do), that I'm seeing these images.

SP, I also cannot make eye contact with my T, not even to say hello or goodbye. I just can't make myself. I have a few reasons why I find eye contact hard with my T, one is that eye contact can sometimes make me instantly cry (and since I'm terrified of crying in front of her, I'm also scared of this), two is that I can find it triggering, and three I can find it threatening (not by this T I have now, but by past T's and other people).

I haven't struggled with my T touching me because she always says what she is going to do, or asks me if it is ok and she doesn't know. I have also told her what scares me so she doesn't unintentionally do anything to upset me more.