Hi Seablue,
I'm really sorry for your pain. I've been through what you're going through and I know that it can really feel like the pain is intolerable. I am really glad that you made the choice to reach out here for connection and comfort, it's a very healthy choice. I know how overwhelming it can feel but it can sometimes help to remind yourself that as intense as they are, they are feelings and will change eventually. You won't always feel this way.

Have you discussed contact between sessions with your T? Because my T would NEVER initiate contact between sessions (I know Ts who do) but has a VERY liberal contact policy. I can email or call him between sessions. He's available by phone 24/7 even when he's on vacation. I can call and leave an emergency message with his service and he gets back to me within an hour (sometimes longer on vacation) and although for a very long time the last thing he would say to me at the end of any contact (session, phone or email) was feel free to call, he's never called to check on me. The only time he initiates contact between us is for schedule changes.

In my case, he does this so I can learn to move TOWARDS connection when I feel overwhelmed or needy, which is healthy, rather than away which is my ingrained unhealthy response. I also think in my case, that it has signaled to me on a really deep, almost unconscious level, that my T believes I can handle my emotions and that he can trust me to ask for help when I need it. So you may want to talk to your T about what her boundaries are around contact between sessions.

And as far as being ok with not getting what we desperately want, sometimes it doesn't feel ok at all. It can get so painful that it feels like it's going to kill you, then it gets so painful you WISH it would kill you. But here's the thing (and I know this is hard to hear) the pain you're experiencing of not getting what you want has a lot more to do with what you didn't get in the past, that's why the intensity is SO high. Because when your needs weren't originally met, it was a matter of life and death. You have carried this pain with you for a very long time and now you have a place to express it, have it be heard and understand it. I get why you wonder if it's worth it, I have a dear friend who got really used to me calling once a week to tell her I was quitting therapy! But I will also tell you that you do not hurt in vain. Healing is possible, you'll get there and it's worth it on the other side.

I hope some of this helps, but I would encourage you to keep talking about how you feel here, whatever it is: hurt, anger, fear, frustration. You deserve to be heard no matter how you're feeling.

AG

Seablue, I know that feeling too well and it's not nice, at all. I sometimes float wierdly for days as my head tries to process what it's just been through. Yes the next session seems like a relief to get more things out in the open, but the reality is you have to eventually manage the times between, often alone, and that's what's so hard.

I ask myself all the time - is this worth it? What is the cost to me and my life? But I know that it is and one day hopefully I'll be free of the pain and that's what keeps me going back and getting me through the hard times.

Seablue, hang in there. Believe that one day it will be worth it and tell your T if you can how you feel. Maybe ask if there is any chance of contact if things seem unmanageable. Hard to do, but normally helpful in my experience!!

starfish

Seablue right now I can really relate to how you are feeling. Just want you to know I’ve heard you, haven’t got a shred of anything useful to say, only that when I’m starting to drown in fear and bad feelings I find posting here (and just reading other’s posts) helps quite a lot. How are you doing today?

AG, Thank you for your insight and encouragement. You have a way of knowing just what to say. The contact outside of sessions area is a little gray for me right now - I am not sure what is ok. My T used to encourage me to call if I needed to at the end of almost every session, and she did make it known that she does not initiate contact with clients. I have only called a few times in 2 years because it triggers me and I keep secretly hoping that she will just call me - I know I'm crazy. So it would go something like this - I would email her and ask her to call me or email me (as she said I could), but by the time she called me or emailed back, I would change my mind because I didn't want to be too needy (felt unworthy, afraid to have needs, even more afraid to let my needs be known - you get the idea). Then she decided it was important to not reinforce the triggers, so she suggested setting up scheduled calls between sessions. We did some of those but I felt weird about those too because I would want to bring up the things weighing on my mind and I was worried about taking too much time/energy outside of session time. She really didn't respond to my worry when I raised it with her other than to say she was worried that talking about big things on the phone could make me feel worse not better, and said we would try to figure out what works for phone calls as we go. She has not talked about doing another one for a couple weeks now. I guess I need to ask, but I am a little worried about it since I refused to call for so long - and now that she doesn't tell me I can call anymore, now I want to call?? What is wrong with me - Talk about attachment issues. Anyway, you are right about the pain feeling so huge because it was from long ago. It is hard to understand exactly what we are supposed to be learning. We are supposed to ask for what we want/need, but they so often can't be met, so what are we to do with that? Just seems cruel and really confusing.

BB - Thanks, it does help to know I am not alone in this. Nice to meet you too.

Dragonfly,
Thank you for your warm reply. It is bittersweet to hear that others feel the way I do. It helps me feel less alone, yet I don't want others to hurt this way. I have written letters to my T in the past and may consider it this week. I know what you mean about the T-voice inside your head - She won't turn off.

Starfish,
Thanks for taking time to respond - it does help! You are right - our T's can't do it for us. We have to do the work (hate that ). So glad I found this forum to help get through it.

Lamplighter,
Thanks - this forum has helped me a lot. I have read so many posts that I could have written myself. Just having my feelings normalized has been really amazing. I am feeling a little more present today. The overwhelming feelings have been on and off as I expect them to be. *sigh*

I really appreciate the support!

I just saw your post and wanted to tell you I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I totally get where you're at with feeling like you need your T, but not being able to get what you want. It sucks!! I really agree with AG that you need to talk to her and see if you can get some between-session connection. I didn't think having my T call me between sessions would help me, and actually thought I would want her even more, but it really did help me a LOT!! She probably just expects that if you need it, you'll ask for it, so you really should ask her. That's what she's there for, right?! I read your reply to one of my posts the other day about me not being alone in feeling like a needy toddler but I didn't realize you were in the same boat as I was at the time. So sorry, SB!! I know this whole attachment/transference thing is tough, but I do think it will be worth it in the long run when we get through it all and come out stronger, healthier and happier women on the other side!!

BTW, we sound so much alike in some ways, and so do our Ts. I feel like I've sorta met my twin on here! It's nice to feel "normal", isn't it? LOL!! I hope you're feeling better today.

MTF

Hi MTF,
I agree - It really feels good to find that either I am not crazy, or we are both crazy! Either way it's nice to not be alone!
It does sounds like we are in similar places in our journeys. Thanks for your response.

I got the nerve to ask my T for a scheduled phone call this week. She has been pushing a crisis line and it was really making me mad. I think I understand a little better now though. I have major issues with calling her. If she is not available within an hour or 2, I retreat and feel rejected. After this happened a couple of times (the only times I have actually called), she said she wanted me to have more than one source of support. That way I won't feel so let down if my one source (her)is not there. She doesn't want to reinforce my feelings of fear and rejection - although she has not said I can't call either. It makes me sad though because she used to tell me at the end of almost every session to call if I needed to - to the point of trying to talk me into calling. I sort of feel like I've had a privilege taken away for being too needy. And doesn't she see that I want her, not some random person at a crisis line? (unless of course it was AG - would actually LOVE to get her)

SB, way to go on asking your T for a phone call!! I'm so proud of you!! I'm not very happy with your T though. A CRISIS LINE???!!! What planet is this woman from? Wow, I totally understand why you would be mad!! I'm mad just reading that!! DUH!!! However, I agree that you need to find some other sources of support, and that's why I've spent more time on the forums here, just so I have somewhere to vent, read other people's experiences and such. I've tried to just reach out to people in general so I have some other connections, although it is nice when you can express what you're feeling and going through in your therapy to those people, and that's not always a possibility. I'm glad you got a scheduled phone call and I hope it helps. I too have issues with calling for help, so I can understand that, but I also know that is something I desperately need to overcome. My T keeps telling me it is vital for me to get to where I can start asking for what I need, meaning calling for help when I need it. Tough stuff, huh?! I'm sorry your struggling, but I know you'll get to a better place soon! And I had to laugh when you said you'd only want your T on the phone, not a random person, unless it was AG. I am right there with you. Of course, I doubt she can answer all calls with, "Hi, Attachment Girl speaking."

Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing.

Can I just add my T has suggested (several times now) a crisis line call. I nearly died . It took ages (I'm talking years) to even speak out to her - now am I really going to pour my heart out to a stranger who I can't even see? It's really not for me, think I would end up dicossiated for hours on the end of the phone - very expensive call then!!

Now if it was AG hen that's different Maybe AG you could set up a line just for us?

starfish