Hi, Forlorn...I had to laugh at this:

quote:

I still can't quite understand how, when I tried really hard to take care of her and be a good parent to her as she expected me to be, my mother just did not turn out the way I had hoped.

It is ironically funny what you have written here, and also quite sad. I do relate to what you say. I too had a mother that I tried to "raise well." It didn't work...I don't think it ever really can. They just won't listen to us, because the balance of power is supposed to be in their favour, and they know it. Even though, I suspect, you were actually the stronger one in that you knew what you needed 9and didn't get) and you tried to provide what she ultimately needed (to be a better parent to feel better about herself.) does this make sense? I always felt that my mother "kept" me. For her purposes...true or not, it is the reality I lived..I struggle with maintaining a relationship, the guilt from NOT maintaining one (she is old, and in spite of having countless grandchildren, she is essentially alone) It is so hard, to know what to do...my mother was not abusive, rather, helpless, yet domineering, yet fearful, yet needed nothing, yet gave everything, yet...controlling, yet, careless about my life... very confusing stuff...keep talking about it is all I can suggest. I need to do more of this with my T. Let me know how it goes for you!

BB

forlorn, your title just begged me in the door, i know where you are, i have been parenting my mother since i was 9 or so, not knowing it until recently, and the parenting i did was to keep whatever love (as illformed as it was, it was all i know of parental love) as even being without that, i consciously now know, was something. i didn't have any luck either, and see she is just a spoiled child, and only good to me, although i do all the giving, when HER vast needs are being met. yes, and the thought of being anything like her sends cold shivers up and down my spine. i too have always blamed myself for my problems, as did she, but only now i find out that it is our birthright to be loved by our parents as a child. that the needs of a child ONLY should flow ONE WAY, from parent TO child, and no child fulfilling the parents needs.

"When I think about the time and money going into therapy, the compulsions that are a part of my life that grew from childhood negligence, I get really annoyed."

yes, me TOO!! and what i see too, is parenting is not brain surgery...the things mine did not supply are 'cave man basic'...so i don't have much to offer you but hugs, and if you figure out what to do with yours, let me know. and i would just caution you on your line that you feel stuck in the parenting-her mode, to quit. it IS not your job, you have already seen that you can't FIX her, i know the 'responsibility' WE take on (as my T says i am reacting to the role she groomed me for) to fix, and be the right kind of daughter...idk, friend, but i think it IS futile for my mom. she won't admit responsibility, always looks to blame something other than her self (she was too young to have kids...25?? no spring chicken) no, mom, you are just too weak and selfish and stupid to deserve to be fertile, is my response. i am struggling with this too, so i don't have the answer, but i am trying not to live the rest of my years dancing to the beat she sends me. it is hard, as it is so new....NEVER have i not been the 'bigger one' in the relationship. and i want NO relationship. and the guilt?? wow, can't quite put that all in the proper place, but i am trying.

keep me posted, maybe we can sort this out together.

how about your dad?? mine is kind, way way down deep, just enough to get the old guilt strings pulling (my mother is not kind at heart, selfish and immature) but the man has no back bone, and when it came to allowing us children to suffer, or to force her to get it together and grow up, well, he chose to nurture her and did some really disturbing things to get us to be quiet and have no needs, to protect her....and my take is?? he got what he was asking for, and the very strong, very unguilt-ridden part of me, but just one small part of the entire me, says GOOD RIDDANCE!!

from what i gather, they should have one entire category of the forum with the title of this post...hang in there, forlorn, hope things make sense in therapy about this....it is certainly a common problem, if that is any comfort...((forlorn)))