((((Catalyst))))

I'm just here in the middle of the night. Sending love and I think these are really good questions. I think maybe it's to ask the way to there from here? Your Ts (I don't think) don't have any judgement about it, just want you to reach out for help to find the way from wherever you really are at. xxx

sorry to run away…

((jones)) thank you for the love. that is a good way to put it… to ask for the way to there from here. unfortunately, 'the way' is the experience right now… every time I see T when I can, I leave with a lot more understanding. it's slow, as usual.

((Draggers)) you haven't written anything stupid t all! i can go to the gym with counteracting… I'm already not going when i've been hard on my body with ED stuff. ED T said though that maybe after 1 month of eating 3squares and 2snacks I could remotely consider the gym as a healthy addition. right now she says there is nothing to really sustain me, but there is… they freak out more than I do. so yea! always options for trade offs, i'm trying to make it so i go when i do healthy things even though it's not ideal. i couldn't go yesterday or the day before, but i'm going tonight if i eat dinner first.

((SP)) i like that saying… seeing the woods for the trees… very cool! my job has always been rather static, but i'm back in an office… and everyone talks about working out, etc… the place is really health oriented and soon we're doing a challenge just in our department…. it's insane. so it's hard not to be focused on me a lot. T also thinks it's because I'm being 'seen' (around new people) so of course i want to disappear. i'm in the I'm bad/its bad circle a lot. the last two sessions t has gently told me what is going on that is hard and we focus a lot on self compassion (don't have that yet) and… well… just understanding. it seems to help for a bit. sometimes i feel like my t's are just being positive to avoid my going insane or needing them. they'd never really tell me but i think they think it was a good decision, all this change… and they are being very loving and supportive as usual… it just feels like… if I stop seeing them then they are gone… that if I don't maintain contact then I just cease to exist. it's not that way though. a lot of this ED stuff is feeling like I'm being left behind because of big changes while also just trying to disappear and run away from… so so much.

Sorry again it took a bit to reply. things are difficult right now.

Hi Cat, I want to let you know that I am thinking about you. A new job is stressful no matter what, fighting the ED brain is hard, hard work. Can you try to look away from the urges right now and focus on good, healthy care for yourself. Something that has worked for me when I am restricting is...

finding a food that I will eat which is usually veges. My logic tells me that I am feeding the ED by eating veges and not the real meal that I should. In my head, I turn the thought to "veges are healthy, they are good for me. This is not bad to eat veges. I am taking care of me". When I grasp that, I can then start to focus on adding olive oil, then a bit of protein etc. The goal here is for me to eat, even if it is only the veges. Thus, I'm wondering can you look at this by saying exercise is healthy, and I need to take good care of me. I will walk a 1/4 mile after I have xyz. Choose you, not the ED thought, both eating and walking is healthy and taking care of me is good.

I don't know if that is helpful or not. It has worked for me.

Rebuilding Me

((Cat)) just want to say I'm so sorry that things are really tough right now. You are going through some major transitions in your life, so be kind to yourself (easier said than done!). You are so strong..you will get through this time.