Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
19 replies

disclosure issues

L lieseMember
As probably most everyone knows here, I'm very attached to my T. He is single and I know he is looking for a partner. I know this but facing it is another story altogether.

Recently he went on vacation. He was very kind about it. Gave me a months notice so we could work through the issues. It was very difficult for me. I wanted to reassurance that even if it was some kind of romantic vacation, our relationship would not change. That whole part of it was a disaster. It was SO hard for me to ask and so I wasn't clear and T didn't respond the way I had hoped he would and it was just bad.

We got through it but now we have another issue. He gave me his email address so that I could stay in touch over his vacation. There were a couple of emotional things I wrote that he didn't respond to. I felt very vulnerable and as if what I wrote was wrong and he was disgusted with me.

The thing is, that sometimes in session too I'll say something and he doesn't respond. I fill in all sorts of negative explanations for why he didn't respond.

I had my first session with him yesterday since his vacation. It was difficult. We talked a lot about the emails.

He was wonderful and I left feeling pretty good though I did tell him it was TOO large an issue to get resolved in just one session. I told him that I thought this was the work I needed to do, that these were the intimacy issues tripping me up and he agreed.

BUT I went home yesterday and completely fell apart. I sent him another email today and we eventually spoke on the phone. I do feel better now.

But, one of the issues I am struggling with is his non-disclosure. When I told him that I thought he was going on a romantic vacation and he didn't respond, it left open the possibility that it was and also the possibility that it wasn't. It seems there may be times, as in my email as well, when I might be asking something from him though I might not be sure what it is and he doesn't respond. I find that incredibly difficult to deal with.

What I really wanted to know was that things between us would be the same but he just didn't respond at all. It felt like he wanted me think it was a romantic vacation even if it wasn't and that feels cruel. I can't get past that. He's not big on disclosure so I know it's the way he is but the lack of response feels cruel to me.

Has anyone else had the same experience? And, how did you work through it?

Thanks!!!!
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

L lieseMember
Why couldn't he have said, "Liese, it's not but we will have to deal with that eventually. I can reassure you, though, that things won't change between us." Or, "Liese, it is but that won't change our relationship."

I just feel like such a Kootie. Like, I can't know where he lives. I can't know anything about his family. It's like I'll abuse the information.

Sometimes I think it's for the T's benefit, that they will feel vulnerable sharing that kind of information with us, that it would give us the ability to judge them, judge their lifestyles. It's like, yes, you can get close to me but only through this very narrow tube and then you can only touch me with one finger.
L lieseMember
I know there is a ton of material out there on why therapists should not self-disclose but here is a different take:

quote:
Self-Disclosure in Therapy
Published: January 08, 2002
SIGN IN TO E-MAIL
PRINT

To the Editor:

''Therapists Redraw Line on Self-Disclosure'' (Jan. 1) depicts a long-term battle among psychoanalysts regarding the advisability of ''self-disclosure'' in psychotherapy.

The opposition to self-disclosure is due almost exclusively to the desire on the part of the therapist to maintain a hierarchically superior position to the client, usually called by the psychologically diminutive term ''patient.''

Genuine self-disclosure is a risk, and it invites criticism of the therapist.

DR. RICHARD E. VATZ

Baltimore
L lieseMember
Here is another one:

In other words, its not the information or event that is the issue. The sharing of our humanity is the point. The patient wants to know that she will be understood and appreciated. She wants to know I have a history that will inform me in terms of being present and empathic with her.

She wants to know that I can appreciate her pain and personal dilemmas. She also wants to know that I have survived my challenges and her stories will not shock me or cause me to judge her. Perhaps most of all, she hopes that I have healed from what she suffers and that if I have healed then she can heal too.
sdsdMember
Monte, yes a lot to think about.

I know a lot about my T from her telling me - we have a dual relationship I guess and a history together - and I snoop. Knowing stuff has a double edge to it and knowing stuff from snooping is even worse. Recently I knew something and was trying to get the info out of T and she didn't do it and it upset me. I can't exactly tell her about it!

I just couldn't proceed without T disclosing things. Sometimes I ask her things and feel terrible and am sure she won't tell me and I punish myself so much - and then she tells me with no issue about it.

I wouldn't handle the way your T just says nothing and keeps it in the air. The ambiguity would make me go crazy.

Liese - can you tell him what you wanted him to say to you?

SD
L lieseMember
(((SOMEDAYS)))

Yes, the ambiguity does make me crazy but it might be something I have to live with. Frowner I try to think about how I would feel if I was a therapist but that doesn't really help much because I'd feel bad for me. Wink

Yes, I have told him what I want to hear. It's such painful stuff to get out and I'm always afraid of being humiliated.

His mantra is that I have to try to tell him at the time what it is I need to hear. He also wants me to try to stop projecting so much negative stuff into the ambiguity. Wink On his part, he's going to try to communicate better. He has a bad habit (IMO, LOL!) of not responding.
avoidantavoidantMember
(((Liese)))

I had exactly the same issue with my T over Christmas and the new year. Like you; I'm very attached to my T in the same way.

Initially when T told me she was going to Cape Town for 10 days she said she was going with her son which I felt quite happy about. In my last session before she went I asked if her son was looking forward to the trip and she said he'd decided not to go and was spending the holiday with his father. This was about 3 months after T had got herself a new BF Frowner and then she let slip that 'we' have got an upgrade on the outward flight; not I, but we.

I felt like I'd been hit with a hammer and I really wanted to ask who she was going with but couldn't and didn't. I still don't know if it was a romantic trip with BF or not Frowner It hurt like hell at the time but I've never mentioned it to her and she's never disclosed anything to me, naturally. I did ask how the trip went but I didn't get any indication of who she went with. I'm pretty sure it was BF, and that her lack of disclosure was to stop me from getting hurt or upset by it.

In this instance T was very strict in her 'private life, professional life' boundaries; and perhaps it was for the best.
riverriverMember
quote:
Being 'allowed' to know 'stuff' makes no difference. I am outside of his 'real' life, outside the portion of his life that is nearest to his heart. If anything, the more I know, the more that hurts. The hurt can be productive or it can be distracting, depends how it is utilized.


After the first year with T I asked for some disclosure so I could feel like she was a real person that could relate to me. However, for the last few years (I've been seeing her for 7) I have asked that she not tell me anything unless she felt it was really relevant and beneficial to our work because of exactly what monte shared a above.

I have found that I will remember the stories she tells about herself or her family but not why she told the story. I will obsess over the details of the story, play it out in my head and ultimately use it against myself because I will never, ever be in her inner circle and since that hurts so much I would just rather not go there unless it is beneficial.

I have learned this lesson the hard way. And even though my T is pretty good about not disclosing too much she does give me more information than I would like sometimes. I feel bad when it happens and I want to tell her to stop. Sometimes I am brave enough too sometimes the desire for that personal connection wins though.

One boundary I have put into place and have firmly held onto is that I do not want to know anything about any of her vacations. I don't want to know where she is going or afterwards, where she went or how it was. The feelings of abandonment are hard enough but knowing where she is or was makes it harder. When I instituted this boundary it helped me bear the breaks much better.
L lieseMember
(((RIVER)))

We crossposted. Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps a lot. I went through a period where I did not want to know anything about T. I had to block everything out. Part of me wanting to know things now is so that I can work on accepting that T is a realy person with a real life. I want to work on my jealousy and possessiveness issues. I guess I can do that without really knowing anything about him.
riverriverMember
I hadn't thought about actually working though the possessiveness and jealousy with T before. That is an interesting thought. I guess I considered those uncomfortable feelings a byproduct of therapy and something I would just have to grin and bear on my own. Like the side effects from taking medication. I like the idea of actually working through them somehow, if I have the courage, and the time.
sdsdMember
Such a close topic and triggery topic for me Liese!! Making me really think of things.

I have a lot of possessiveness and jealousy as well - I just bury it deep and do not face it. I don't think I can ever talk about it and this is the first time I have let it come to the surface.

I have a great T, awesome relationship with her but there are so many issues that are so difficult and buried so deep that I cannot even tackle with her. I punish myself instead of facing them. I know I feel things, but don't know what they are and just know they feel "bad" and think I am weird.

I need therapy.
SD
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
what i think about when i read this thread is something that Burgo said (Liese, i know you don't particularly appreciate him, so i apologize for putting his name here, but hopefully this instance might help). this is not verbatim, but he said something along the lines of how his clients see a part of him that people in his "real" life don't see, and that his clients almost see more of him than people in his personal life, and i think i can understand that. i think most if not all of us can agree that therapy really is a different kind of relationship, and things that are spoken of are on a totally different plane than "normal" relationships, you know? and you have that with your T, whereas people in his personal life don't. so in a way, you get something from your T that people in his personal world perhaps don't get. do you feel that? or am i off my rocker...

((((Liese)))) for what you're going through right now. i think you're breaking through something big, and i'm honored that you are sharing it with us as you go through it.

p.s. yes, i have noticed the icon issue as well. i use my work laptop and we recently went through some security changes and i figured it was related to that, so i'm glad to hear you're seeing the same type of thing. it's not just you. (((hugs)))
sdsdMember
CD, I am a burgo fan and I like the stuff he says.

I have to remind myself that I probably see T more in 1 week than 1 of her close friends does AND the stuff we talk about is deep, very deep. She might not even talk at such a level to friends.

But then again - her friends don't have to pay her a huge amount of money for the privilege of sitting in the same room as her.

So yes I have to consciously remind myself that our relationship has its own category.
SD
L lieseMember
(((SD)))

quote:
I need therapy.


LOL! Me too! It's tough stuff.

(((CD)))

There are parts of Burgo that I do appreciate and parts I don't. Wink I suppose we do see a softer side of them.

(((MONTE)))

Thanks for pointing that out. It's probably true that their kids are envious of us as well.

Thanks to everyone for being there, letting me express my feelings without judging and helping me to work through it. Hopefully work through it. Wink

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×