I think the best thing to do right now to keep things from spiraling downward is to take a step back. Don't say anything that can make the situation worse than it already is. Just breathe. Relax. Breathe again.

This problem doesn't have to be solved today. Or Tomorrow. Have some faith in your connection with T that you will be able to resolve this issue when the two of you speak again.

If, after talking to him next week, you still think you want to find another therapist, then do that. But take some time before you act on such a big decision. Remember, you don't have to make that decision today.

I don't mean I will act on it right now...I guess I am just looking for how to not keep running away, so my next session will go more smoothly.

You are in a lot of pain. Maybe you can make some space for yourself to feel that and be with it. i know I sound like a T. lol but there is something to it.

Hopefully you and your T will be able to work it out when he comes back. I know it's so hard when they go away on break.

I think it'd be good if you discuss with him the conflicting message you feel he gave you. Maybe learn his view on it. He may have misunderstood you as well.

I already pretty much feel like the problem is all my fault, and that is because:

I have parts/states I get in that share EVERYTHING with T, no filter, and desperately need reassurance he has heard them.

Then I have parts that hide stuff from T, completely disconnect, have no needs and expectations of him.

And I can't stick with one set for any consistent amount of time to even feel like I know who the heck I am or what I need/want. So, no wonder T is confused. Because, sometimes, the parts who need reassurance are sending him messages and then he responds and the parts that hate needing him say, "Ugh, now I feel like you think I expect something of you," and that pisses them off and puts me in a punishing cycle. So, what in the world is this guy supposed to do for me?

I just need, like DF suggested, guidelines. Like, T won't respond at all unless I specifically tell him I need a response. Then, the parts that need him won't be confused about why he sometimes replies and sometimes doesn't. And the parts that don't want a reply won't get one when no one has specifically asked for/expected it and then start to abuse me for being a manipulative, needy...

Anyway, so I gave up and just texted T that one particular part thinks we've made him hate us and NEEDS to hear his true feelings and asked directly that he get back to us about that and the schedule when he has time. So, now I feel like I can let this go for the rest of the weekend and go about my life.

Yaku,

It really does sound like there needs to be some clarification around the out of session communication because it seems like it increases your stress level at times that he doesn't respond and it seems inconsistent when he does/doesn't.

I hate that feeling of wondering if T is hurt or sick when they don't respond. I've been there.

I hope he responds about the schedule and the other stuff you texted about. (((hugs)))

I set that up with my T. I didn't like the idea of calling her and then wondering if she'd call back or not. so I told her that if I wanted her to call back I'd make that really clear. So now I don't get hurt if I leave a message but don't hear back.

It's really a relief. Sometimes she still calls even when I don't ask her to but it did take the pain off of feeling insecure to lay that out to her.

(((Monte))) (((Jo)))

Thanks for your responses.


Request for clear boundaries has never gone well before, but maybe now that the kids have proved they need them, he will be more willing to help me define something that works for me, rather than just letting these things develop "organically," which is something he has said before.

Heard back from him this morning, which was earlier than expected. He answered Kiddo's fear that he hates us (I asked him too) by saying:
"All remains good on this end, you're highly favored. I know it's been a stressful week. Your texting is not at all a burden. Still praying..." and let me know our session will be Tuesday, probably 9pm.

I have lots of different voices chiming in on what "highly favored" means. Like, some who think he stated it in the second person, because he doesn't want to say how he feels (e.g. "I don't hate you"). Maybe he really doesn't like me (though he has said otherwise) and that would be lying, so he is saying I am "highly favored," to mean that I'm favored by God and either not by T or he just thinks I'm bad for needing him to not hate me. Ugh...is there anything that doesn't make this kid feel rejected?

Met with pastor and wife and spilled the beans about how disoriented and unsafe things have been lately, so pastor is going to drive H to the airport on Saturday and his wife will hang out with me a bit and they will join in with our friends just checking in with me, so I don't isolate too much. They were very encouraging in a way that didn't make me feel pushed off on God or a failure for not being able to be safe. I felt like some of the stuff I was telling them sounded ridiculously crazy to them, but oh well. Pastor prayed over us, H's trip, my safety, etc. and I know he will check in on me, because he does so anyway. I'm really blessed to have his family in my life. He made a sweet comment about God having moved me to reach out and form a connection with them (during H's October trip) perhaps for this exact reason of being able to accept support that I wouldn't have had access to or the ability to ask for before. He helped me to see what big progress that is, even though I feel like everything just gets worse.

So tired now...I just want to sleep forever and ever.

I was wondering what "highly favored" means as well, Yaku. I often find myself having to decode your Ts messages and I don't know if that is because I don't know him and don't know his mannerisms and patterns of speech, or if its just that he's a bit vague. It seems to me that you spend a lot of time and energy into trying to decipher his messages to you....so perhaps he is confusing to everyone. I cannot help but think your need for clearer boundaries could also be extended to include a need for clearer communication.

Sometimes, he speaks in unnecessarily complicated spiritual terms, to the point where I told him that my pastor's "for dummies" version of abiding worked much better for me.

However, in person, he has said before that he liked or approved of or something like that "all" of my different ways of being (I don't remember if he said faces or facets or parts or what). It was a month ago. So, I'm guessing highly favored means, "I have a really positive opinion of you," but maybe he's being careful to say "like," which can have other connotations and is close to "love." Maybe just a sort of, "like you as a person" sort of statement and making sure I don't read too much intimacy into it and then my attached kiddo feelings get over activated? I think it panics me more, though, when I feel like he's avoiding activating me in that way, because then it makes me think that he hates the way I react (dependency, neediness, desiring closeness/connection). I know that's probably NOT the case, but that's how I feel.