Hi, Itshardtosay. I am afraid my post might disappoint you because I don't know how to help. I guess I just want to reply because I hear how you are in such a bad spot right now. I gather what you are talking about experiencing is different ego states? I know I jump around in various ego states and also experience panic-depersonalization cycles in times of extreme emotional distress, but not sure if my experience is comparable to yours. It is something I am new to recognizing and understanding about myself. I am sorry your dissociation is causing you problems at work. How long has this been going on? Can you think of something overwhelming happening at work which would trigger this more childlike state? I myself haven't been in the workforce for over a decade. Yesterday was the first day in that long that I have done something for hire (I was a substitute teacher for 5.5 whole hours) and I did have a few moments when I had to struggle not to zone out or cry. I am nervous whether I am ready to mentally handle going back to work. To try and fail would seem so devastating that it is tempting to not try at all. But something in me is pushing me, even though I am scared. Sorry that none of this is likely to be very helpful. You said you didn't think much education on this matter was available to P's and T's. I take it you have already described your experiences to your therapist without much success? How long have you been seeing her? Again, perhaps I don't really grasp what you are going through, but surely there must be someone out there with the right expertise who can help if your P lacks adequate training. For example, I know my T has successfully treated patients with MPD/DID at the extreme end of dissociation. Well, please let us know how you are doing.

Hi Itshardtosay, I went through something that sounds similar(but I'm not exactly sure it is) approx. 13ys ago...I was very much 5yrs old(so it seemed) and terrified most of the time...I tried to hold down a job but failed...I ended up in the hospital because things got to be sooo very overwhelming and scary!! I then went into a clubhouse for the mentally ill and stayed there for approx. one year. I had to go on disability, too....have you considered disability? Therapy and group therapy with a very good T was the only thing that got me out of that seemingly permanent state of mind--I still revert back to it on occasion when I'm very scared...I think that maybe things are just too overwhelming for you right now to work? Are you able to just focus on therapy right now--maybe even join a group therapy too? Have you thought about disability? I wish I had some insights for you so I could help you be less scared...I really hope I hear how things work out for you(I hope okay..)Take care and I'll be thinking about you...mlc

Hi Mad Hatter and Mic...thanks for your replies.

I am going to see my P tomorrow to get a note for time off. Don't know how that will work out financially, but I see a brick wall in front of me and have to take some time off. The P suggested disability and I have the form here, but don't know if I would get enough $ to manage.

I guess my P may be able to help me with the states I move into and out of....but that takes a lot of therapy and a lot of time. I realize that as soon as I started doing better...at the end of 2006, I jumped right into a full time stressful nursing job. I was in way over my head and haven't gotten out yet. I have been progressively moving towards losing my grip.

At work and socially, I get triggered and actually AM the kid inside. I try not to let others see that in my behaviour or at least don't want them to, but they do see and know it at times. I constantly fight to be adult but i'm not very successful because young parts of me seem to take over. It is a battle. When I am young, I don't know I am an adult, it is like I am in that childhood time zone and place in my life and there is nothing more to my life, and no adult me to go to for help. There is a definite disconnect, like a huge chasm with no way to communicate past it. Instead, I try to find someone outside of me to help me and as an adult and professional.....that can seem pretty weird to others. I also forget everything I learned in therapy, all the skills, and work I've done seems to leave my memory and mind and I am back at square one, terrified crying like a little helpless lost kid. I can't remember the stuff. My shrink doesn't seem to get what happens to me very well. My old T understands but it seems I haven't slowed down enough in hte last 3 years to do what she advised.

She advised me to keep talking to the younger parts, reassuring them, connecting and soothing them to lessen the fear and let them know an adult is present. I hardly ever do that.....instead I keep running with over-busyness...work, university, friends, family...housework, any distraction from hte pain inside. I don't like the person I am or hte kids that bother me from inside so I strive in other areas. This can come and bite you later on as I seem to be experiencing now. Last week I cut which I haven't done in a long time and felt suicidal most days. Last night I talked to my mom and an older nurse friend from work...they both advised me to take some time off but not quit. Quitting is failure, I guess, and a good job is hard to come by.......I however, can hardly keep my head above water each day, most of the time my body feels stressed, lit up electrically with nerves, muscles, and pain like a glaringly bright Christmas tree thats needles and branches are stretched out way farther than they should be. If you think of a cartoon picture of a cat with its claws outstretch, hair standing on end and it is freaked, hanging upside down from the celing....those analogies kind of explain how I feel. I realize now how important it is to start back into the working world slowly after trauma....to give yourself a fair chance at success.

Mad Hatter, I am glad you tried work again. But please don't push yourself like I have done.....it does not pay. Try to figure out what you can tolerate COMFORTABLY at work and do that until you are able to build on it a little at a time. To do that, I think you have to pay very close attention to your body's responses and signals ....I am sure mine has been screaming at me, but i have been too stubborn to listen. I went and immediately got myself into debt when I first started working, bought a house and ran up my credit. Now I have more responsiblities than I want or can hardly manage. gee.

Today I feel more adult again. I hear the kid inside crying a lot, and hear others too making comments and feeling stressed, but always always I try to avoid them. Sometimes you just run out of energy and the brick wall meets your face....maybe now I will have enough time to do the personal work I should have done before entering teh working world again.

Karen

Wow.....thanks Dragonfly.

You get it too. I am encouraged to hear you are better in some aspects of your life. Its weird that therapy seems to go like that...one step forward, 2 steps back. (I think I have gone about 10 steps back though).

My therapist who broke the boundaries with me.....ahhhh...last week I was such a terrified kid and could not find my adult self. I called her, emailed her etc. She has been overly busy....bought a big house to tranform into a private practice and is working a lot of overtime hours. She is exhausted it seems. She sent me an email and said I have asked too much and she now has nothing for me. Apparently she is hurt and confused. I am not sure why she is hurt, the confused part, I get but I haven't done anything intentionallly to hurt her.

I don't do adult life well at all.

I went off on stress leave last week even though I can't afford it. I keep screwing up because I am living/behaving like a 4 yr old in an adult body. The 4 yr old, is so scared.......and can't handle the high stress of my job. I think the hardest part of life for me will always be relationships. I don't get how to do them well at all.

Now I think I might move to my parents home. THey are frail and at least want me around.
Last week my GP sent me to ER because I was really suiciidal. My newer P also got mad at me because I changed my appt times, cancelled with very short notice and called/emailed her too much. It was all the kid in a frenzy trying to get out of terror who was making impulsive lousy choices.

I have not been able to identify the young part as having different young ages....she just seems really little and scared....and adults don't have a lot of patience with this large body doing immature things. I feel suicidal or at the least, like cutting to release the pressure, at the slightest thing these days.

I feel no better in many ways now. However, I look at my life and there have been huge changes over the past 6 years. I must be some how different to have accomplished all that I have. I guess becoming the young parts and showing the world on the outside what goes on inside...for me is progress. For many years, I kept it all as silent and private as possible. THey only saw the final outcome of my dealings with the kids inside.

Thanks for your reply. SOrry mine is so long again. It has been a pretty bad week.
I hope you have a good one....btw....its funny you are still threatening to quit...I thought that was just me!

Lastly, I wonder if all the boundary screw ups with this old T....(I don't have to wonder very hard about this) have made life way more difficult for me in a lot of aspects and this is the cause of my latest dive into the muck? Maybe my healing would have progressed more quickly out of necessity if she had ended therapy with me as was supposed to happen according to therapy rules? I am really really really angry at her. I'm also worried that tomorrow my new P is going to tell me not to come back. I will let you know if she dumps me due to all of this....gee.

The other thing is I'm in the middle of exams. 4 yr olds can't write final nursing exams very well and I am having a hell of a time with this paper. I sit down, try to read the question, and no thoughts come to mind. The kid is off running I am left blank most of the time. I emailed my prof ....who kind of knows my story....she says she "understands" and is going to suggest something to help me get across the finish line. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow. My average right now is pretty high but without this exam, worth 25% of my final grade, I wouldn't even pass.
I will be glad when it is all over. I keep seeing me outside of my body dragging my body across some imaginary finish line kind of tattered and beat up, but at least still alive.

Does anyone else have real trouble sleeping? I am awake all hours of the night for no apparent reason.

IHTS

Hi Dragonfly,

No, I don't officially have a DID diagnosis...apparently shrinks in this town don't like it so my new one is reluctant to label me with it. The old T gave me DESNOS...I guess having the label doesn't really matter....I am dealing with lots of crap regardless.

I totally get your hypervigilence. My P had me try to relax today lying on this couch thing in her office...I couldn't because she was there! I just can't when other people are present...because, I too, see everyone as a potential abuser. THat is very sad but not our fault. One time in a hospital a shrink told me I should just go out and repay my debt to society. I think, just maybe, society should apologize to and repay us!

I did have a couple of awful weeks. My new P did not dump me. We are going to work more on calming and soothing me to get me back to an adult state from the young place. She is saying it is a very young place and I know trauma happened before I was 2.

Tonight I am looking online to buy a hammock. I remember the waves rocking me in my dad's boat out on the lake as a kid and how great that feeling was...now i want to try and replicate it here in my apt. I need to do whatever I can to find soothing and calm again. I think it will help. I've been checking out Home Hardware and Walmart...places like that. Do you have any things you do or use to help you feel better?

The final exam.....I can hardly believe what happened there. My prof knows me pretty well...I have told her some of my story and her own sister struggles with the effects of young trauma. I emailed her and told her I couldn't think....my mind was blank when I tried to answer the questions, she already knew work has been hellish since January with cutbacks and stress. I told her my doc said to quit and he'd give me a letter...she had me call her and told me I didn't have to write the exam if I got a doctors note. WOw. The note is in the mail!
She averaged out my grades and I ended up with 93. That is a blinking miracle and I don't have to go back to school now until September.

In therapy, today I started trying to find a spot in my body that I can connect with the calm feeling. I want it to be the space between my thumb and index finger. When I feel calm and safe and relaxed, I touch that space and consciously relate safety and calmness to it. Over time, I hope it will get easier to pull out of the scared little kid place by touching my hand and being able to remember there is more than terror and I can find safety in my adult self. Who knows if it will work?....but that is the plan.

Thank you very much for replying to my post.

IHTS

That's cute that you have a Teddy Bear, Dragonfly.....I'm glad it helps you. I have used a blanket and rocking chair in the past. I think your fun in puddles and with paint etc is very funny. I say, Go for it! and have a blast....

I can imagine your kids watching you....hee hee.

I went out yesterday and ordered the hammock and stand for it....it should arrive in about a week. Now I have to rearrange my place because I want to have it inside, at least for now. I don't know if it will help, but here goes. I do hope it doesn't make me feel nauseated!

This week feels weird, my busyness...has dropped down to almost nothing to do! My P likes it...because of the change in me due to a decreased stress level.

Hope you have a great day....

IHTS

Hi Everyone- I can relate to the Bear. For the first time in my life. I have a teddy bear- how embarrassing!