(((((R2G)))))

I'm sorry that things feel so yucky right now. I'm kinda in the same place so I have lots and lots of sympathy for you. I also thought of quitting therapy this week but as you so astutely pointed out, the appointments seem to take forever to arrive.

I just always feel as though I'm doing surface therapy and so I'm wondering if you can explain what it means that things have stepped up a notch? Only if you are comfortable. I am surely in a lot of pain in between sessions and have all kinds of thoughts about my situation, so I'm not at all sure why I feel so frustrated about my therapy and feel as though I'm just doing surface therapy as well.

Wish I had a good recipe for you. I do have a vegetarian friend who is also morrocan and so he makes lots of interesting dishes. If you want to let us know what your food allergies are, I can ask him if he could suggest a recipe. He was also a chef at one point in his life and is a wonderful cook.

I agree with you that food sucks!!!! If anyone had told me when I was younger that I would have to think about preparing nutritious food 3 times a day for my family of 6 and that it could basically take over my life, I might have opted to become a cruise ship director. But here I am and I can't change that now!!!

xoxo

Liese

Thanks ((((Liese))))

I really don't know what to do at this point - all I want to do is sleep, which is not good. I am sure the heat wave we are in isn't helping things, but I know it's bigger than that.

As far as stepping it up a notch, I think what happened is I recently broke through the illusions with my T and my nutritionist, which was no easy task. By illusions I mean I finally realized that this is long term work that I have to do - no one else will do it for me or tell me what to do, I've got to be the one invested in my own work instead of expecting others to invest in me.

It sounds strange, but I have been wanting others to do the work for me. It's illusion I've held onto for years and years and years - that someone would come around and tell me what to do to fix my life, then show me how to do it, then do it for me, and things would be all better. Realizing that is never going to happen was a very painful wake-up call, but at the same time, it pushed through the surface work and into the deep stuff.

Food has been my enemy for years, but it's gotten intolerable lately. I am a gluten-free vegetarian, allergic to tomatoes, peppers and eggplant. It sucks all the fun out of food and eating. I don't know how I'll ever be able to cook for my family when/if I have kids! I can't even cook for myself!

From one yucky place to another...

(((Liese)))

Hey R2G,

I know exactly what you mean about giving up that illusion that someone else might be able to fix our lives for us and how painful that is. I am going through that same thing right now and it's so hard to compare the person I want to be with the person I am now and realize just how much hard work, time, patience and compassion will have to go into it all. The job is daunting. But I have to break it down into short-term goals. Maybe if you tried to do that you wouldn't feel so overwhelmed?

I'm on the recipe thing. Hopefully will ahve a recipe for you later today. Oh, you poor thing, no tomatoes? They are my love. No pizza for you???? I guess you could experiment with a different kind of sauce not made from tomatoes. No salsa? Although, I just made the most delicious salsa yesterday with watermelon, cilanto, lime juice, a jalapeno, a Yellow pepper and scallions. It's unbelievable!!! You could eat that except for maybe the yellow pepper. I prepare rice and chicken with it also. And I marinated the chicken (oops, you don't eat chicken, so subsitute tofu?) in a chile/garlic sauce, low-sodium soy sauce and sesame oil. It is out of this world!!!!

Off for a waterfall hike. Yes the heat has been unbearable here too. Hope you feel better today.

HUGS,

Liese

Hi R2G...I have a boy with severe food allergies, and I understand how utterly and completely hopeless the kitchen can feel. I know you are seeing a nutritionist but if you need some commiserating or sharing of ideas on the food allergy front, like Frosty I'd be happy to to share ideas and support on the issue, too.

I am so sorry that it's so tough! Keep hanging in there, it does get better and it won't always feel this bad. Until it does, give yourself some Room to Grow! (And then of course the hard part is allowing the time it takes to take the time it takes! arg.) One day at a time.

hugs,

BB

((RTG)) I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks everyone, ((((hugs)))) to all of you.

I'm heading out to see my T right now, more reply later...

(((R2G))) I'm sorry things are so heavy right now. Good luck with T today.

(((R2G))))

Glad you are seeing T today. The chile/garlic paste is definitely not gluten free but I wonder if they make a gluten free version? Do you have a good organic supermarket near you? Wild by Nature, Trader Joes' or Whole foods?

Ok... this may be long winded, but I'll try to keep it some what concise...

First - thank you for the ideas and support! Food is my nemesis, and if it were up to me, I'd not be eating anymore. Food is just not a pleasant experience, it's more of a necessary evil right now. I LOVE the sound of that salsa Liese! I do make nachos once or twice week, so I may have to try that! Sea-green, I used to eat an egg a day, but they've been off limits lately because the smell of raw egg makes me gag I can't have them in the house right now, but I'm waiting for that phase to pass, hopefully quickly! Frosty I've got so many allergies and issues with food - gluten, garlic, soy, tomatoes, citrus, eggplant, peppers, green beans... I spent much of the weekend googling gluten free vegetarian recipes and UGH. If there are any recipes that look appealing... please send them my way! I'm trying to cook 2 new recipes each week to start expanding my food... so far, R2G - 0, Food - 3
Beebs I actually had a student in my class this past year that was also gluten intolerant, and for the first time, no one made fun of his food! We squished that the first full day of school. He and I shared a lot of treats (though it was a little easier for him, he eats meat!) I am definitely open to ideas... because when I see my nutritionist later this week... while I may have increased my caloric intake, it's been lots of cereal and PB&J
Thanks for the hugs smiley and Yaku I am struggling to accept hugs IRL, so I'll take what I can get in cyberspace

So today... Essentially we're trying to determine where my hypersensitivity stems from - yes, I've been hypersensitive since childhood, but it has increased in intensity over the years, and it's almost intolerable now. I mean, I can't watch the news anymore - I cry! I struggle in all social settings because I feel so fragile, and am hypersensitive to body language and social cues, to the point where I can't keep up with the verbal conversation because I'm "listening" to all the non-verbals. I get so lost... even among people I know. This hypersensitivity is exhausting and excruciating. And now we're really dissecting what that stems from... which is so freaking hard. The last few appointments with my T have been painful, but I feel like we're making some progress. The only way I will ever learn to go with the flow, and not avoid social situations because it's too hard to be that fragile. Life isn't fun when I could "break" at the slightest discomfort.

Hypersensitivity has ruled my life for far too long - from food, to allergies, to physical sensitivities... It makes life not worth living.

((((R2G)))))

I've felt like that, that life is not worth living .. and still do sometimes. It's a tough spot to be in. But think of all your students, whom you so clearly adore. They need you. School will be starting soon.

I know how bad it feels to feel like your world is getting narrower instead of larger. But I see your hypersensitivity as a gift, not a curse. Look at the difference you made in that little boys life who also has a gluten allergy. How many other teachers would have been able to make him feel as good about himself as you did? I bet his Mom was really happy also. I can tell just from the way you talk about your students how much of an impact you have on them. I'm sure you are sensitive to your students in a way that other teachers could never be.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to dismiss your pain. I know things are hard for you right now. Wish there was something I could do to help.

xoxo

Liese

Hi R2G... so sorry life has been so challenging and upsetting lately.

I have recipe or two you could try. Are you allergic to zucchini? or shallots? Shallots are in the onion family I believe. What I do is saute some cut up shallots in olive oil with zucchini cut into "sticks". When it's golden brown you have the option of adding some light cream to the mixture. Boil some gluten free pasta and then when the pasta is cooked, dump it into the skillet mix together and add grated cheese if you can eat that. It's fast and nutritious and pretty cheap too.

The other idea involves tuna fish. If you can eat that let me know and I'll give you the recipe. Also... I wonder if you would be able to use Egg Beaters instead of regular eggs...I used them in the past and I don't remember any smell associated with them.

BTW, you could have Sensory Integration Disorder which is neurologically based. Have you ever seen an occupational therapist? I ask because my son has this to a degree and we had struggled with some issues. He seems to have outgrown some of them. He is also hypersensitive to things such a clothing, food textures, smells and noise.

Just an idea and please ignore if it does not apply.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Hugs
TN

Frosty these are AWESOME!! I am going to try the basil-potato casserole for my recipe this weekend - can't wait to try it!

I miss everyone here on the forum, but things have been so challenging lately that I just can't be here much. I'll be back... and look forward to supporting everyone in the way you all support me.

Tomorrow is D day with the nutritionist and I see T as well. Not going to be a fun day, I packed an extra pack of travel tissue in my purse and have been nauseous all evening thinking about those two appointments tomorrow... It's going to be a one-two punch of reality right in the face.

Today freaking sucked. Big time. I was supposed to see the nutritionist, but she cancelled AGAIN. Rescheduled for next week. I don't want to wait that long! I have to much going on to go that long - 3 weeks between appointments with her! I want to anger her by cutting my food intake even more. But I know that will hurt me, not her. I still want to do it anyway, though. It is so easy to not eat, the only reason I'm eating is because of my T and my nutritionist. If they weren't involved, neither would food.

T today was ok. I hate when I go into my appointment with something to talk about, and then avoid talking about it. It was a very productive appointment and good stuff was uncovered. But...

I woke up so sad this morning, so discouraged about life, and all I've wanted to do all day is curl up with a cuddly blanket and cry. I have no idea why, but I am filled with this overwhelming sadness, and I so wanted to talk to T about it.

I'm feeling very foul right now, and want to crawl into a hole and not come out until next week.

(((R2G)))))

I hate that too, when you go in with something that you want to talk about but can't bring it up. Do you want to crawl into bed until next week because that's when you will see T again? And then you can tell her how you have been feeling?

Have you talked to T yet at all ever about how bad you feel inside? I'm only asking because it took me a long time to tell my T how miserable I was. And I kept talking about it and kept talking about it. And the best part is, I don't feel as miserable anymore.

So, I do want to encourage you to tell her how bad it is for you. Sometimes, it just helps getting it out there, having someone understand how much you hurt.

Do you feel as though she is the only light in your life right now?

Thanks for the hug Ninn, I appreciate your empathy, but please avoid sadness if at all possible! It sucks!

(((Liese)))
Yes, I want to go to bed and not wake up until I see T again on Monday. I also see the nutritionist on Monday as well. Loaded day is going to make for an anxiety ridden weekend. I want to sleep it away.

T does know how horridly I treat myself, and how it doesn't feel good at all, but she doesn't know, or at least I've not verbalized it to her yet. I get hit by these waves of sadness and they come on so unexpectedly. They often leave just as unexpectedly as they came. I was actually so glad that one hit me this morning, because I knew I'd see my T today and be able to talk about it with her.

But then I didn't. And now I feel even worse.

While she isn't my only light, she is the brightest, for sure, and she is the only person I can talk to.

I now have to go and be social for three hours coaching kids (which I love) and I'm so hoping they pull me out of my funk instead of pushing me in deeper.

(((((R2G))))) I'm so sorry that the sadness is hitting you so hard. It really is touch to be so sad, and feel alone with it because nobody knows where the sadness is coming from...or something like that. (((((R2G))))) I really feel for you. I hope you will be kind to yourself and eat something even if it is just a piece of fruit you can have. Start small, work your way up...

I feel for you in the sadness I know it today too. Be gentle to you, and rest. Enjoy those kidlets, they sound great- so do you. They must love you.

hugs,

BB

ps, I am sorry about not coming back with some recipes before, but your allergies are totally different from the ones I deal with for my boy- so the stuff I know about food prep alternatives wouldn't help you. Still I think it is great that you are not wanting to hurt yourself. That in itself is huge progress. I'm sorry she had to cancel, though. I hope you can get in soon.

((((R2G))))

I hope being around all those little ones helped to lift your mood. That's so nice that your T is your brightest light. I know how that feels.

Can you contact her in between sessions to talk about how you feel? Or would you rather wait until Monday?

Sometimes for me, it's like everything moves in slow motion and I want to reach out but by the time my hand moves, the person is gone or the moment is gone. Ooops, too late. Another lost opportunity. Ahhh, but there's always another opportunity. And, even if you don't have that mood on Monday, maybe it'll be a starting point to tell her about it. Sometimes for me, it's even easier to talk about it when I'm not in that particular mood.

Thanks DF. I didn't realize how much I've come to rely on my appointments with my RD. I've seen her every other week for the past 2 months, and I am not attached to her the way I am attached to T, but when my RD had to reschedule again? I cried. A lot. Didn't help the sadness at all, I think it pushed me over the edge, actually. I did email my RD as there was one thing I needed to tell her and I couldn't hold on to it any longer. She sent a nice email back, very apologetic for having to reschedule with such short notice (4 hours! If I had to reschedule within 4 hours, I'd be charged!) But that didn't really make me feel any better. I'm still sad and angry.

Thanks BB. no worries about the recipes! Frosty posted a few good ones, and I'm going to try one this weekend. My RD is supposed to also have some for me that I would have gotten today had she not rescheduled

Thanks Liese. It does feel good that I finally have allowed myself to lean on my T. The attachment is more tolerable for me, and I'm a bit more secure in knowing she's really there.

Coaching tonight was a great way to distract me from me, but as soon as I got home I fell apart again. I'm really getting tired of having to pick myself up and put myself back together. I haven't been hit this hard in a few months.

I can call my T and leave a message, but I don't know that I'll be able to ask for a call back, because I don't know that I'll be able to talk on the phone with her.

quote:

Sometimes for me, it's like everything moves in slow motion and I want to reach out but by the time my hand moves, the person is gone or the moment is gone.

This fits so well! I wanted to start off today telling her how I was feeling, but I think that my guard went up because I knew if I started talking about how bad I was feeling at that moment, I wouldn't have been able to talk at all, cause I would have completely fallen apart. Maybe I should just leave her a message and tell her what was happening under the surface, even though it's after the fact?

I wish T was in the office tomorrow, but she's not To top it all off, I have to face my family tomorrow night for dinner - something I've avoided for the last month. Shoot me now, please.

((((R2G))))

Do you think it would help to just leave a message, even if you don't get a call back? I hope dinner with your family goes smoothly...

Thanks (((Kashley)))

I did end up leaving my T a message just now. It usually makes me feel a little better to do that, but this time, it hasn't changed the way I am feeling, and I actually feel kind of worse. I know she won't call back because I didn't ask her to. This might be the first time that I call again, and ask her to call back. We'll see...

I'm going to try and sneak in another nap before dinner... lovely dinner... and hope that helps numb things for a little while. (Yes, this will be the second nap for the day. Sleep is wonderful when I feel like this.)

((RTG))- Write down those things you can't tell your T and hand it to her at the beginning of the session.

I went for ages sitting in sessions busting inside because we were talking about everything and anything bar what I needed to talk about and i couldn't bring it up. All i did was punish myself over it.

I wrote it down and she read it. Now i take written stuff to her - 1 or 2 pages of things that have happened to me, how she needs to treat me or how hard to push me or explaining how I feel etc. Me doing this has broken some barriers. If i write it - the writing comes from deep within - but when I speak - I often have no access to any feelings and thoughts whatsoever.

All i know is - if you leave a session without saying what you really need to say - it chews you up so badly. It is damaging and you can only handle so much of it.

Thanks (((SomeDays)))

I do journal a lot, and often write letters to share with my T. I agree, it is very helpful in saying what I'm afraid to speak.

quote:

All i know is - if you leave a session without saying what you really need to say - it chews you up so badly. It is damaging and you can only handle so much of it.

This is so spot on. The strange thing is, I'm actually not beating myself up over not telling her what I was feeling - it likely would have come out more mechanical and emotionless, or it would have been the flipside, I would have been so distraught I wouldn't be coherent in expressing what is going on.

What I'm struggling with is that this sadness won't go away. I feel like that stupid anti-depressant commercial with the cloud following me around. I am wrapped in sadness. It is consuming me right now. I just got back from dinner with my family, which was so much fun, as usual (note the sarcastic tone in which that is typed) and having to "fake it" for two hours was so exhausting, I feel even worse right now.

What I want right is to know how to self soothe when I'm like this. I want to snuggle into blanket and cry. A part of me wants someone to physically hold me while I cry, but I know I would never let that happen. There has to be a way for me to console myself, right? I mean, I'm not the only isolated, single, sad person in the world, right?

I left a message for my T this afternoon, telling her how sad I'm feeling and how I wish I could have told her when I saw her about the sadness. Even after leaving the message I still don't feel any better. I can't talk to T over the phone - I don't do well on the phone at all. I don't have email or text. I do have 2 long days to survive though, and with this unknown sadness eating at me, it is going to be really, really, long.

I made it to Monday. Not quite sure how, as it's been a torturous few days. I had a dream about seeing my RD and it was a bit startling, so I am now even more apprehensive about seeing her. Being so down for the last few days of course impacted my eating, so my food log is really week, I only met my goal 1/3 of the time

I ended up calling my T several times over the weekend and just listening to her answering machine, not leaving a message. I know I have to tell her what I did. I wish I had the guts to ask her to just leave me a few messages on my voicemail that I can listen to when I need. It's embarrassing to admit how soothing hearing her voice is.

It is amazing how complex our brain is, and how it seems that our own minds can turn against our bodies...

So yesterday was a nightmare. I felt like I was walking into a bad dream. I froze up with T, went completely silent for who knows how long. When T finally reached me (figuratively, of course) my heart had completely melted into a puddle of tears.

I told T that I was sorry I couldn't express the sadness the previous time I saw her, and we pretty much spent the entire session exploring that. Next time I see her, I have to admit to how much her voice calms me and soothes me, which is rather embarrassing for a highly functioning adult to admit. I never felt so safe in my Ts presence, though, as I did yesterday. It was really comforting to be there, even if I zoned out for a while.

My RD... she has become like another T to me. She is awesome. She was so apologetic for canceling last week, it was sweet. She isn't as rigid on the boundaries as T, and I'm allowed to email her, as well as text. I don't do that much, though, just knowing I can helps. She also handed me the kleenex, and sat near me while I cried. I didn't think I'd have any tears left after all I cried with T in the morning, but I did. I so badly wanted to crawl into her lap, but I refrained. Her boundaries may be a little less rigid, but that felt like too much. (She is a giant teddy bear - she's over 6 feet tall, and just awesome. I'm barely 5 feet, and just wanted to snuggle into her lap and cry. EMBARRASSING!)

I have plummeted. I am in complete denial that I actually have an ED. I don't believe her. Even though I'm going to see her again on Friday, and pretty much every week for the rest of the summer, as I don't have things very well under control. How can I deal with something I don't believe I have?!

And now, I'm supposed to do a major increase in caloric intake, and the thought of it is completely freaking me out. I can't do this. But if I don't do this, things will only get worse. I'm stuck in this limbo - gotta work harder to improve, but afraid to increase. And again, since I don't think I have an ED, how can I "improve" something I don't have?!

I'm losing it. Sorry. I think it's time for a lobotomy, anyone know if those work?

R2G I’m so sorry you’re spinning so badly about all of this. I haven’t replied earlier because I have NO idea about EDs and just don’t have anything remotely relevant that I could say except that I’m really sorry you’re struggling with it all so much.

I’m glad though that you had comforting sessions with both your Ts (I’ll consider your RD a T too by the way what does RD stand for?)

Oh and I’m in two minds about that lobotomy, though I’ve been sorely tempted by the idea at times too

LL

LL - RD stands for Registered Dietician. She is awesome. I'm worried about still being able to see her once work starts in a few weeks - she happens to work late the same night my T works late, and since they are literally on the opposite sides of town (45 minutes apart, no traffic) and I'm not willing to give up any T time... I guess I shouldn't stress about something that hasn't become an issue yet.

Thank you for the note Frosty! I have been avoiding the forum lately - I have no room in my brain to be supportive of others, and I hate just sucking support out of you guys without being able to give back. You were not rude to post and run! I appreciate your posts, the recipes, and all the support I've gotten from you and everyone here! I just wish I could reciprocate.

I am not doing well. I am still refusing to accept that I have an ED, which is actually making things worse. I have to increase my caloric intake because I've put my body into starvation mode by eating so little. I'm worried about bone problems now, so I'm going to start taking a calcium supplement, though I'll run that by my RD first.

It's amazing how food can be such a non-issue, and then oh yea, it is actually a HUGE issue! I forget sometimes, what it's like to just eat normally. When I'm munching on a PB&J sandwich, I feel totally normal. When I choking down a bowl of cereal, I feel like such an oddball. The strangest things set me off these days, with no rhyme or reason! It's a lot harder than I thought it would be!

I have such a huge mental block right now, that the thought of eating anything (even chocolate, which I used to love) makes my stomach turn. I'm forcing myself to eat, and it still isn't enough. When I see my RD this week I know it's going to be a rough one. She's really getting worried. My T is worried. I'm worried. I'm a piece of work right now, and with only 2.5 weeks left to get this sorted out... We'll see.

I'll be a bit better at updating, and as soon as I can be back in action with everyone here, I will be.

((((everyone))))

Thanks Frosty... ((((Frosty))))

I have so little time to sort through things cause I go back to work full time the last week of August and I lose the flexibility that I have in the summer. I'm very excited to get back to the routine of teaching, but afraid I won't be able to make it through a full work day at my current energy level

I am determined, though, and I know everything will end up working out in the end. As AG's quote says:
"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." -Anonymous