Yaku, I don't have any advice, but I found myself nodding as I read your entire post.

Just yesterday I told my T, "I love you, but I don't love being here anymore."

That came after two weeks of just staring at the patterned rug.

So we have agreed to a break. I am taking 4 weeks off. I've never done this before. I've been with her almost 4 years now. Right after my session I had my psychiatrist appointment, same building, so like, literally 3 minutes between appointments. I walk in, sit down, lean forward, she asks me how I am and I just start bawling. I had to explain that I'm taking a break from my T, and that I have not been crying like this otherwise. My meds are fine.

Anyway....I'm sorry you are also feeling this. It is both a relief to know I don't have to go see her for four weeks, but also painful because I love her and will miss her.

Ninn

My T has said relationships ebb and flow in intensity. Maybe that is happening? Therapy at times has felt like my full time job and it's intense and I'm all in... And then it changes. The relationship is okay but less exciting for a little until something new comes up that drives the connection back intensely. It's like falling in love in a way... Getting all intense, only want to be absorbed in therapy and our issues and the relationship and healing and in out emotions or overwhelmed... Just like how in a new relationship people are at the hip. Then in and out from there

It's okay!! It could be a bit of distance and denial as a driving force but it's also the natural flow for many relationships. Like with babies too... They need everything and as they progress and get older (the relationship has gone longer) both the child and parent are less gripping on eachother.

It was interesting when my T said it this way to me because I felt more like I had a genuine relationship. It means T has attachment in a way too T2 said this also. It's not a bad thing, but I'm not sure how different it is with separate parts with separate identities.

Hi yaku,

I don't have any advice about the therapy issue, but I'm just popping in to say congratulations!!!

((((Yaku))))))

Pregnancy causes a major shift in perspective. You will have enormous levels of hormones coursing around your body right now and emotionally and mentally pregnancy can be a bit of a roller-coaster time.

If you can, try to take everything gently, notice what is happening for you, but maybe without too much judgement on what it means? Also, it is just fine to take a break from therapy for a while - you will probably feel less tired and nauseous from around 14 weeks (but that isn't guarenteed to be fair). Go with this phase in your life - live in the now, with all that pregnancy means for your future.

Thinking of you,

SB

(((Ninn))) Thanks for helping me not feel crazy. I wasn't sure whether anyone else would understand, which made it easier to talk to my T about today, and I got a lot of clarity out of that. I think I'll hold off on taking a break myself, simply because I will HAVE to take one coming up, so I want to take advantage of the time we have right now.

(((Cat))) Thank you for sharing the ebb and flow thing. I realized, talking this out with my T today, that for a long time, I have felt I needed to keep pressed to the gas pedal, because T, my H, my insurance company, and my disability are all giving support to make my healing happen. So, I think I've been pushing myself unnaturally to stay in a very intense processing state, whereas it might be natural for the relationship AND the work to kind of move around in intensity. I feel really guilty for having the resources I have now (which I did work hard to get) without justifying them with that intensity, but T and I worked on accepting that today and not being motivated by guilt and fear, as those are not usually very productive. I don't think it is too different with more separate parts, except maybe it's a little easier to compartamentalize the relationship? Anyway, your post really helped me to just step back and try to take an accepting stance to where I'm at with my T my right now.

(((HIC))) Thanks for the congrats. I'm super happy and still trying to feel like that's OK and I deserve it.

(((S-B))) Yes, I think the part where I was overly irritated with him the other day was hormonal, because there was nothing in it today. I'm still aware of his shortcomings and he did a couple of the same things, but they didn't bother me in that same way today. As I said before, I probably will wait on the break, just because I will HAVE to take (possibly a long) one at the end of the year. Though, I will probably be taking a break from the intensity and allow myself to just be wherever I'm at without feeling obligated to push myself to work so hard at it. My T reminded me that I am making room for big changes in my life, so it's really OK if for now a lot of energy is going into doing that.

(((SP))) Thanks so much for sharing. You hit on a major thing I did not write at all, but it's like you read my mind. I am having a really hard time with the idea of T seeing me as pregnant, while pregnant, being close to me while pregnant. I don't know quite why it horrifies me so much, but maybe something about the hyper-vulnerable state I'm in. I'm having a really hard time with H right now, who although not being the most sensitive guy, is constantly volunteering to help me out, because of how I've been feeling. And it's like needing that extra help and even considering taking it is super triggering. It's funny, because T has had a lot of needs and vulnerability directed his way, but the pregnancy thing is too much and I can't figure it out quite yet. I do think processing the trauma with my dad was also a factor. I think, in that I am even more aware of my needs/vulnerabilities right now, AND on the heals of processing a trauma where someone I needed proved completely untrustworthy, I felt a bigger need for separation than I have in a long time. But, it's also a good thing, it feels good to do things on my own a bit and see that it's OK.

(((Monte))) Thanks for the congratulations. I'm feeling really blessed, undeserving, but blessed. Thanks for also validated how real life and can kind of shift gears in our relationships (especially the therapeutic one) sometimes. I am not going to take a break from therapy itself right now, because I'll have to for weeks or months in December...but, after talking it over with T and him working through my compulsive need to justify what I'm receiving by performing at therapy, I think I can take a break from pushing through into the most intense and painful territory and just accept that I'm at a different place for a season now. He believes I still need to be on disability, especially while adjusting to this, but if it turns out I lose it, because they decide I'm not doing enough in therapy quickly enough (would they even make that sort of determination), then I will cross that bridge when I come to it and trust there is something out there for me.

Thank you all for helping me get clarity on this. I was able to connect with my T today and accept where I'm at at the same time, and it was really nice. It felt like having a sort of mentor/guide more than a T for a bit, but maybe that's what I'm needing right now.