Hello Everyone,

I'm new. It seems to big to try to give you me in a little capsule, so I'll just say, I guess, that I'm dealing with PTSD/Trauma/Attachment Stuff. I've been in therapy since November. I think it's helping, but god I feel like hell.

Since November, I've been mostly in the insecure side of my attachment stuff - I'm usually all "I need you, I need you" for my wife, and feeling totally terrified by some of her relationships with others (or her even being away at work, UGH). And I've been working on all of that.

But in the last few weeks, I'm finding myself identifying with the avoidant part - I want to have no needs, no feelings, I'm wrestling with intense self hatred of me, it feels like I'm going underground, I just keep chanting "It's got nothing to do with me, it's got nothing to do with me" any time I feel scared or triggered by something. And I know this is trigger, too.

So, the intensity of the disorganized aspect of my triggers is really new for me. And it's throwing me off of my "work." It's so much harder to "work my program" from this place. It's so much harder to come back to my adult self. Blerg.

And this next week, with my last week of school (I'm a teacher) AND my wife traveling for 4 days, looks to be a whopper.

I'm scared. Of the week, but mostly of getting upset. I'm so scared of getting as upset as I have gotten before. And so my wheel just spins - I feel scared, then I feel upset, then I get upset that I'm getting upset, then I feel disgust that I can't just be a good wife to my wife, and I hate myself, and I try to bury the feelings, and then they are bigger, and I end up underground.

Sigh.. Can anyone speak to this?