(((Jane))) I'm sorry dealing with your mom is so confusing. I feel more the way you're describing about my dad. My mom, I go completely detached with her, so my style with her has become largely avoidant over the years. I don't get teary about leaving my dad when I visit with him, but I do sometimes have sudden urges to contact him and connect, followed by desire to have nothing to do with him.

It sounds kind of like what I experience with my therapist, which has been described by more knowledgeable people on here as disorganized attachment...except, usually I experience one AND THEN the other, not both at the same time as you are describing. Sometimes, it is wanting to be close and then seconds later wanting to run away (or vice versa), and then going back quickly to the first desire. So, it does fluctuate often and rapidly at times. However, I am always aware of it as one or the other. If I looked at it later on, I might say, "I felt both the need to connect and the need to run away," but I would mean within a specific time, with each of those being their own separate feeling, like they both come from a different place. To me, it sounds as if you are experiencing both at the exact same time? I think that could still be disorganized attachment (not sure), but maybe both of those feelings about your mom are slightly more integrated, so you are able to access both being true at the same time? I really have no idea.

I would say my standard operating mode is apathy toward either of my parents. Sometimes, something will trigger anxious attachment feelings toward my dad and those never last long without triggering avoidance feelings. So, then I am stuck in ambivalence until that stuff gets turned off again and whatever trigger goes away or is forgotten. Then, I am back to numb about the relationship...I don't know if I'm making sense.

This is really interesting to me and I can relate. Sometimes other people change (like your mom) and they can be in tune with your needs - even in they are not expressed. Sometimes, those people that change slip back into their old ways and it may feel all too familiar. I am trying to be in the moment without judging it or trying to figure it out. Maybe that will help you a little bit because there really isn't an answer. It is moment to moment. Hope this helps.