Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
13 replies

Displaced needs

jonesjonesMember
Something hit me between the eyes today that I've never really seen before.

Although I started with a new therapist a couple of months ago, we have each been travelling and knew scheduling would be occasional and erratic over this time, until we're both back in routines in September. And yet routines, habits, rituals, are a big focus in what I want to develop for myself from this work at the moment - there are a lot of things that I wish I could achieve, but I don't have a trustworthy ability to get stuff done to a set schedule, especially when it comes to my creative work - I'm just erratic.

I've told the therapist that it would help me to try to keep things regular, and in lieu of that at the moment to know ahead when the next session will be (all the while trying not to post too many red flags to my own neediness!) - yet at the end of the last session she left it very open-ended - and then didn't respond to me suggesting a date in a follow-up email.

And it seemed very weird, because at the same time as I feel her as very trustworthy, this feels irritating, and irritating ESPECIALLY given the stuff we were just talking about. Lack of routine as self-abandonment. How it hurts to not be able to trust yourself to show up, to keep your promises to yourself (like a lot of people, I'm fine with my promises to others...). How without a routines and rituals to rely on it feels like you're falling through space, that whoever or whatever it is that you need, maybe it's never coming back.

So if she knows that unreliability and lack of a framework are so deeply connected to abandonment, why not just freaking provide the framework right away so we don't have to go there?

I was tussling with myself about whether to send another email, and kind of running through the laundry list of my expectations of her - I want to know when she's going to show up. I want to be able to trust her word, so that I'm sure when she says she'll be there she'll be there. At the end of a session I want to know when the next session is so that I'm not dangling in space. I want to be able to look ahead in time and know what's coming, what I can expect, so I can settle in.

Well, as I was tussling with this and thinking this list through it hit me - these are needs that I have, expectations I bring to the relationship. And I really do expect her to step up to meet these needs. But they are actually the exact same needs I have of myself. These are the things that make me feel safe. I need to know when I am next going to have time to work creatively. I need that 'appointment' in sight all the time. I need to know that when I have that appointment, I'm going to meet it no matter what. I need to be able to count on my own word. I need to know that when I am there, I will be mentally present and alert for the task at hand. I need to think ahead before each 'appointment' to know what the work is that day. These are all expectations that I would happily hold any therapist to, feet to the flames. And yet I don't hold myself to those same expectations at all - I just vague out.

If I were my own therapist, I'd fire my own ass as of ages ago. Not for lack of insight, but for utter unreliability. For hurting me each time I don't show up, or I do show up then blank out, or I fail to set the appointment in the first place. For ignoring my needs, despite all that crying out.... So this is my new question for myself. What's the minimum behaviour I would expect from a therapist here? Am I giving myself that?
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

jonesjonesMember
I should clarify- it's not that my needs in the therapeutic relationship are not real- they are real and legitimate. But there's a kind of secret pressure to them - 'omg I'm thinking about this all the time! How can I make sure she's coming back so I can stop feeling this?' And I realized that this pressure is really closely related to my invisible needs of myself. We had been talking about tolerating the painful emotions that come up when I'm 'waiting' for inspiration or waiting for contact. And I realized that I absolutely do not want to wait or tolerate- I want it fixed. By someone else, because I haven't been there for myself in fundental ways.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
(((Jones)))
This is an incredible insight and very courageous. I know one of the hardest things about healing for me has been learning to stop looking for someone else to do the things that I need to do. It can be so difficult to see that, because understanding that for me, has meant facing the loss of not having had that care when it was appropriate and I could have taken it in and integrated it. The truth is that every human being has to develop to the point where they show up for themselves. It's one of the trickier (and more painful) parts of growing up and its even harder when we need to do it as adults. The truth is that many of these skills should have been learned by having an attuned adult attend to you and implicitly help you to grasp your own value, your own needs and your own efficacy. I suspect you did not have that. So this is a very important insight on your part, a recognition that you are looking for safety.

All that said, please be gentle with yourself. We can hold a T's feet to the fire because (ideally) they have already learned these skills. Having this insight, while being extremely important and even pivotal does not immediately convey a missing skill set. I may be projecting my own issues onto you, but I would want you to be able to explore these feelings and understand why they are there and use them to lead the way to allowing you learn to do this things, not beat yourself up for not knowing what was never taught to you.

And thank you, this was really good food for thought. Hug two

love, AG
jonesjonesMember
(((AG))) Thanks. Smiler It's weird - suddenly the attachment anxiety dropped and the creative energy lifted, in equal proportions. Hmmm. Smiler

Yep, I totally hear you on being gentle. I am a little flummoxed, like - all this stuff is in my hands right now - and I know I need time and support to keep developing those strengths and skills. But it feels like this displacement was one of the big barriers to actually developing it - I couldn't SEE it, or I could kind of see it but in two dimensions ("yeah yeah, I know I need a regular practice...") with no emotional depth or concern. It's like on the one hand I acutely felt the needs (in relation to someone else) and on the other I could see the 'correct behaviour' in relation to myself, but I had NO connection between them, no emotional or even cognitive connection. "HEY WAIT are you trying to say the star-shaped block goes in the star-shaped hole?!?!? SAY WHAT???!!!"
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Jones, I hesitated to reply here because I'm not really sure what this is all about. From your first post it seems to me that you are looking for continuity and consistency from your T and you are not getting it from her so now you are trying to find it within yourself and struggling with this. As AG says, of course you would not be able to do this right away because it was likely not taught to you or modeled for you in some way.

But AG and Jones, don't we have to first have that consistency and continuity and dependability from our T's first before we can find it within ourselves? Shouldn't we experience this in the T relationship? And then when we realize we have that stable other we implicitly learn to emotionally regulate ourselves. And realizing this is what we missed in childhood and seeing that we can get some of this in therapy leaves that space where we grieve what never was and should have been.

At least this is how I understand it.

TN
B bltMember
Wow, what you wrote makes me think a lot about my H and I think it helps me understand him better. He has trouble doing basic things for himself like getting regular exercise or going to bed at a regular time, and yet he FREAKS OUT when he perceives me as having failed or abandoned him, even in little ways. The whole self-care thing has definitely NOT sunk in for him yet, and it makes things very challenging for me...
greeneyesgreeneyesMember
thanks Jones for putting this up, it has really got my mind turning over and thinking a lot. I can really understand why you just want "it fixed" rather than having to wait and bear the difficult feelings that come with that waiting. In fact I posted something on waiting between sessions last week. In terms of your T returning session after session, its something that (unfortunately) you learn over time as your T is there in a reliable and consistent way.

I also agree with AG that learning to be there for ourselves is an important skill to develop as therapy progresses, but is also mixed with a lot of ambivalence when an attuned adult was not there for us consistently when we were growing up. Personally, I hate being there for myself because it makes me feel like I'm not worth enough for anyone else to take the time. the paradox is the more I am there for myself, the more others will be because they will know implicitly and consciously that I respect and value myself and they will then be more likely to behave in a similar way.

TN I agree completely that to be there consistently for ourselves does require that consistency, continuity and dependability from our T and we absolutely need to experience it with them and there is an inevitable grief process that follows. I think we can gradually start to be there for ourselves once the internalisation reaches a point but there will be potholes and setbacks along the way as those skills find their way into the deeper neural wiring's in our brains.
jonesjonesMember
Hi TN! ((hug))

These are great questions. Everyone's experience is a bit different, I guess, and it is valuable & interesting to try to figure out the relationships between them.

In this particular situation, the lack of continuity/consistency from T seems circumstantial and not major - we agreed that this would be a muddled period, and I heard from her this morning after sharing my revelation that she's waiting to find out about some unknown factors in her schedule before she knows what's available (she also offered alternatives for scheduling anyway). She knows I am not a client in crisis, so I don't think there was anything too out-of-line in her not meeting all my needs right away, and it hasn't felt like a rupture so much as an irritation pointing me towards my unmet needs.

My therapy and healing journey has not been made out of whole-cloth - it's had to be very much a patchwork quilt, with pieces of emotional experience and understanding taken from lots of different places. I think one of the things that has really helped prepare me for this development is the work my husband and I have done in couples' therapy, learning not to abandon each other physically or emotionally. Now I have some kind of internal model for that (though it's pretty new-born, it's real and tangible). In fact, this is one of the first things the new therapist said to me - that I could learn to grow into a peaceful, supportive and productive relationship with myself, just as I had with my husband. So this is a valuable reference point for me, just as I think the continuity of a therapeutic relationship is for others. I suspect all the work we do to improve our lives builds us towards a more secure relationship with ourselves.
jonesjonesMember
Hi BLT - I hear you on your husband - me and mine are both like this. But he's more extreme (of course!) so I mostly see it in him, not me... Smiler

Slowly we are building routines and rituals together. It's taken a lot of work & a lot of loving understanding.

Hi GE - yep, I think that anger, grief, self-hatred, self-rejection, self-abandonment all complicate this process. We need places to process this stuff and places to learn other ways of relating to ourselves, for sure.
kmaykmayMember
Jones -
quote:
If I were my own therapist, I'd fire my own ass as of ages ago. Not for lack of insight, but for utter unreliability. For hurting me each time I don't show up, or I do show up then blank out, or I fail to set the appointment in the first place. For ignoring my needs, despite all that crying out.... So this is my new question for myself. What's the minimum behaviour I would expect from a therapist here? Am I giving myself that?
- The first line gave me a good smile Smiler
What an amazing insight to have made. You should be very proud of you.

MallardMallardMember
I really enjoyed reading your post, Jones. There were some echoes there for me too.

It has always perturbed me... I should be a naturally organised person in many ways. I think methodically, when I tackle work I have the ability to to do it logically and with attention to detail.

But I often don't. I don't file things, I leave all my college stuff (and this course is really important to me) scattered all over the place. I have piles of stuff in different locations. I can never find anything. It makes my life twice as hard as it needs to be.

I'd never really perceived that aspect of my behaviour as self-abandonment, particularly - but it fits. I'm not sure if I will use the word abandonment for myself (I haven't found a replacement word yet, so yours does just fine!) but the concept seems very similar in my head.

Learning not to put myself at the bottom of the priority pile has been a long journey but the work has mainly been focused around being able to communicate what I want and need to others and dealing with my feelings of vulnerability, which I would historically hide, to feel safer.
There has been an element of learning to care for myself tied up in there but I'd never identified the other ways that I don't take care of my 'self'.

I may percolate on this for a while!
jonesjonesMember
Hi Mallard,

This is something that's become clearer for me over time. At one stage a little while ago I was feeling very abandoned after the end of a therapy relationship and all these 'symptoms' got so much worse for me. Couldn't keep a routine, couldn't go to bed or wake up on time, couldn't focus on work and what's more, didn't want to.

Other times I've noticed and learned how the household routine stuff - cleaning up, cooking, communicating about schedules, is core for my H and I caring for each other and feeling cared for. It's part of how we express love for each other. And when either of us is emotionally abandoning the relationship - 'f-it, you can take care of yourself' that stuff gets thrown out the window.

I started to see it works the same way between myself and myself. I feel cared for and safe when I keep my rituals. and when I don't, there's an underlying feeling of 'what does it matter?' - in other words, 'what does it matter that I don't feel cared for or safe?' So there's the self-abandonment....

Seeing this in relation to my creative work is new for me. That when I don't show up for myself there's a deep down feeling that's actually much like the feeling of being stood up by your most important person. When some little part of you really really really wishes just to be able to trust.

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×