Hi Confused,
Don't know that we have ever spoken, but hello!
For me it is more like I get smaller and I am looking out through my eyes, and just a feeling of being disconnected with the world. Also there is a numbing feeling. And I can hear my T talking, but his words really weren't getting in, and I have no memory of what he says.
Funny - my T has never detected it, and it does not happen any more. When it was happening- I did not know what it was.
Perhaps there are degrees of dissociation- mine being the lesser.
Hope it helps.
Hele

Deepfried- I can relate to much of your description, and mindfulness does help, also I use something ( like a beautiful tree) outside Ts window to ground myself

When I dissociate in sessions, it is like going completely blank. I do hear that T is speaking (or afterward remember that he had been speaking), but I don't really take in anything that's being said. Sometimes I completely blank it and sometimes I can retrieve some of the words, but kind of have to go back over them in my mind to make any meaning out of them. I'm staring at something usually, but the only reason I know what I was staring at is what I happen to be looking at when he brings my attention to the fact that I've gone away. Sometimes I am stuck in my own thoughts, but often it is very blank...and that is comparative to what you describe as black. It's like there is a black void in my mind when I try to retrieve stuff from the time period I was dissociating, but visually, I'd describe it more like a fog or being under water. Sometimes, and I don't know if this is dissociation, I feel like I'm being pushed back by another state and having thoughts/feelings that don't feel like they're coming from me. I don't feel capable of influencing them usually and it's like being taken over. I usually remember what I was thinking/feeling/doing, but it doesn't make sense to me anymore when I am "up front" again. I also get a lot of depersonalization and derealization stuff when I am particularly overwhelmed, like feeling my body isn't mine, like I can't control it when I intellectually know I can, like gravity is wrong (I am sinking or floating away). I don't know why sometimes my dissociation manifests in blanking and sometimes in these other ways. I haven't really noticed a pattern to it other than maybe how overwhelmed I've been and how exhausted I am.

Hi Mayo,

I’m pretty new here so hello and thank you for responding!

Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s good to hear other accounts. I don’t tend to share the fact that I’m in therapy with many people, so it’s really good to be able to share these experiences, and get feedback from others on their experience. I can relate to what you have said, and maybe we all just experience it in different ways!

Hi Deepfried,

It’s lovely to meet you too! Thank you for taking the time to write and share your experience in such great detail. It’s really helpful to hear your experiences and know I’m not on my own. I am trying to work out what exactly triggers it, it seems to be when I touch on anything that’s too overwhelming for me, usually a real core issue.

I can relate to your experience too, although you sound like you are connected some of the time, where I feel like I’m kind of dissociated all of the time. I can’t cry, I can’t really feel any emotion most of the time. I think I’m just very flat. I’ll say I’m angry with the same tone I’ll say I’m happy if that makes sense. I can’t really connect with feelings, they are all just words to me if that makes sense. I feel like my emotional body is completely separate so I can relate to you to a certain degree.

It’s interesting to hear that you spent so much time dissociated with your other therapist and didn’t realise. It makes me wonder how much of our time we are actually in this state but are not actually even aware of it. It’s really opened my eyes to different ways we can dissociate. For me, I actually thought dissociation was that loosing control completely and “going somewhere else”. But it sounds like dissociation happens on many levels, and many of them I’m experiencing all throughout the day but hadn’t actually connected the dots. You have helped me to this so thank you.


I love the idea of practicing mindfulness. It’s also something my therapist champions. We usually spend much of the session with me naming stuff in the room, naming sounds and naming objects so she’s using this technique. I’m also trying to do this in my everyday life.

Thank you so much for such an insightful reply. It has really helped to know that I’m not going crazy haha. My therapist has tried to normalize it and explain what she believes is happening, but I guess I was suspicious that she really deep down thought I was crazy and was just pretending it was normal. That’s my trust issues surfacing lol. I hope you are right, once I start to really process the traumatic memories, they will have less power.

Hi Yakusoku,

Thank you for responding. It’s really interesting to hear your experience. I think your experience sounds very similar to mine actually, especially being taken over. That is how I feel, like I have absolutely no control over what is happening at that minute. I can also relate to your other experiences of feeling like your body is not your own. I’ve had something like this, but more like my limbs are on the wrong way round. Or I’m looking at them but and they are moving but they are not my hands. I’m not controlling them sort of. I’m not sure I’m really explaining that correctly but it’s something like that anyway. It’s so hard to explain it because I don’t really fully understand it myself. I’ve tried to read up on it, but I never find anything that really explains why it’s happening. That’s why it’s so good to share here and hear others experience.

Hi Confused, welcome and congrats on jumping into the posting zone

I only recently recognized, with the help of my T, that my "zone outs" as I have always called them, is actually dissociation. I have yet to do it in session, but that is because now that my T is acutely aware of it, she frequently checks in with me when the topic goes into the danger zone, to make sure I'm actually still with her. For me, though, it's more like what DF described:

quote:

When people are talking and I zone out it's subtle I feel sort of like a wash goes from the front of my head to the back of my head and my mind either starts daydreaming or is completely blank and I hear what is going on but don't consciously absorb it (even though later sometimes I'll remember what was said, I do this so much and can still carry on conversations with people and fill in the gaps). Then when I come back and am present I can hear what is going on and am absorbing it.

This has been plaguing me since I was 7 years old, and it was really odd knowing it had a name. I learned that dissociation is actually more than a coping mechanism, it's a survival skill that our brains acquire when they need to ensure survival (or at least that is how I understand it now.) As we've been doing a lot of digging lately, I'm finding myself dissociating more frequently (it used to be once a month or so, now I'm having episodes like once a week )

As DF said, you are in good company here!

Hi Room2Grow,

Thanks for the lovely welcome. It’s so good to be able to share experiences with others in the same boat!

Thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate to your therapist checking in. My therapist does this a LOT. What I have realized lately is, that I was telling her I was fine when she checked in with me, when actually, I was already dissociating. I wasn’t fully checking in with myself or aware that I was fading, and the reason she keeps asking me is she is obviously picking up on my dissociation way before I was. She's so good!!!

I can also relate to what you have said about not realizing this was what was happening to you! I was the exact same as you, but obviously didn’t know it had a label until therapy. You are so right about it being a survival skill, I can’t imagine how I’d have coped if I didn’t have it so even though it’s not ideal now, I’m glad it was there and hopefully, with time, we can learn a healthier way of coping in the future.

If it is ok - I want to revive this thread.

My T is taking things gently with me after my tumultuous 2 weeks. She said that if am dissociating more often - mostly during sessions and a lot of the time out of sessions - then we need to skill me up to reduce that. And give me skills to manage strong emotions. She said there is no point in discussing past trauma if I am going to be dissociated and numb out all the time - I have to be able to manage and stay in the present.

My dissociating is minor I think on the spectrum

* I can be driving and totally zone out - not hear anything, just do. Sometimes it feels like sensory overload and I just shut down to cope. I do this most often in the car when my kids are constantly talking or fighting (they fight a lot) - I switch off. I can get to a stage where I can see that they are talking or yelling but I have a numb shield around me and it doesn't get inside me. I think I do this to avoid feeling intense anger and a rage. When i get angry and in a rage - I do bad things.

I have total numb body experiences - once I was feeling a lot of physical and mental pain. I sat down to think about things and realised I couldn't feel any pain any more (I had pneumonia at the time and every breath hurt). I made myself stay in the place - I felt nothing in my entire body, no pain, nothing. total numb. I could hear, I could see. My head felt like it was suspended in mid air.

After therapy I have gone to the shops and walked around as if I was floating. I could smell things really strongly - like perfume and the lights were all like strobe lights to me. I felt as if I was drugged and everything was in slow motion

After therapy I have got out of my car and felt numb all over and felt like I was floating to my house. I had to look down to make sure my legs were walking. Everything was distorted - like far away or really close.

After a tough session - one night I was numb 8 hours after. I could bite my lip and not feel anything. I couldn't feel my hands. I watched myself clench my hands to make sure I was doing it because I couldn't feel it. They didn't feel like my hands.

I can sit at my desk here and after a while realise that I can't feel anything. It is as if I can turn off any discomfort I am feeling.

In sessions, sometimes it isn't until after that I realise I have forgotten everything - in fact I think I am barely present. I am so scared of talking that I think I zone out to protect myself.

When T asks me something - I feel like to search for those words or feelings, I have to open the door to a room - I open the door and instead of all my thoughts and feelings being in there, it is a black empty room. That they scares me and I search harder = but nothing is there. I am blank.

Sometimes I lose words when I am talking to her and I can't continue. Blank again.

When I was having my first caesarian - I had some complications, my blood pressure dropped rapidly and it felt like I was dying - when in fact I was probably going into a faint. I was in a lot of pain, scared and freaking out. I remember feeling like I was up at the ceiling. I couldn't cope with the pain and stress and I think i checked out for a while.


So - pretty sure I dissociate, derealise, depersonalise - or bits of each.


My T is getting me to read up on Mindfulness and wants us to do stuff in session and for me to practice out of session. I am supposed to start trying to work out when I do it and why - but usually it happens quick, or I don't realise it or I don't know.

The bit I read about mindfulness - fills me with an absolute death fear. I feel anxiety just thinking about it. Having to do any type of training in a session with T sitting there is freaking me out and I want to run. Not sure why it is freaking me out. Past traumas perhaps

Can you give me some insight what to expect? What happens when you do it? Does it help? If it is going to make me freak out - won't I just willingly dissociate to avoid it? How long does it take to get dissociation to a manageable level? (stupid question....)

My T is very experienced in trauma therapy, DBT, mindfulness and personality disorders - so I think she is well and truly ok to do this with me.

((Somedays))

Welcome to what they call DBT therapy. It seems like our therapists are very similar in their approach. Mine also has started working skills with me to regulate emotions. We've put the trauma issues on the back burner for a while, so I can learn the DBT skills necessary to be able to cope with emotions. (Emotional Regulation--the technical term T uses).

I never understood that I disassociate until I started reading more about it and realize that I do it all the time. It's like my mind crawls into a little cave, wraps up in fetal position while my body still continues to move about. It's a total dazed out feeling. Sometimes I do it without even realizing, and other times I am doing it and know OOHH, I know where this is going. To be honest, I feel dissociative right after session most time.

Awww, mindfulness. This is what I am practicing, too. I am trying to live in the moment because typically I would be all about living in the future/or the past--disassociating what exactly was going on in front of me. Not paying attention to the little things in life started getting me into some big trouble! So, mindfulness is KEY for someone with BPD. OH, BPD, how I love thee!

For a while now, I was thinking about maybe trying to lead a DBT skills thread--where we'd discuss the certain skills and put them into practice with one another...sharing our experiences. Not sure how many would be interested, but I totally have seen some positive come from the whole DBT skill training my therapist has done with me. I don't necessarily think that you have to have been diagnosed with BPD in order to practice the DBT skills. I think they are great for everyone. If you want, SD, we can work on it together...? You can PM me if you'd like. Or if others seem interested, too, I am all about it.

Mindfulness allows you to be present and participate in things. When you disassociate, you are doing the opposite. I think the first step to all of this is recognition, and you and your therapist have taken a HUGE leap towards that. Great job.

Start small. I would start with breathing. It always soothes me. I would breathe, and observe my world. Look at everything. Look at nature, whatever and just breathe in and out. Once during an anxiety attack, I ran into the bathroom at work and ran warm water on my hands. That's a self soothing skill I learned in my DBT training. It allowed me to feel a sensation and focus mindfully on that. It worked to calm me down and bring me back to the present!

I recommend the following DBT skills workbook to you--if you could get ahold of it, that would be great~Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) [Paperback]

My T is using this with me, and I am going to be using it in my DBT group soon.

I have seen nothing but good come from the DBT training. I seriously believe that it works. At first, it seemed so common sense--and I really wasn't wanting to give it a try. BUT, as soon as I started using it and implementing things--I totally can see it working...and my husband sees that it's working too. AND T, too! T loves it when I use those skills. She's totally impressed! LOL! I like that the best! It's like being an A student! haha!

Remember it's practice. Don't beat yourself up if you forget, or if you do disassociate. It's all a process, and it's not something that you can just do and be done with it. You've got to practice, and make an effort to incorporate these things into your life.

Okay, so now that I have written a book on WHY DBT is awesome, I hope that we can all discuss it(our experiences), etc.

Hugs to all--and hope everyone has a beautiful weekend.

You guys are great, thanks. I will print off stuff and keep the info in my DBT file...

I have to tell you though - reading your posts have sent me into anxiety. Having to trust T and do mindfulness during a session - is totally icky for me.

I am also freaking out that - I know I zone out (easier to write than dissociate) when things are tough and too painful - mentally and physically so T wants me to learn how to tolerate emotions better AND not to zone out as much - so to me I feel like she is going to take away my only coping mechanism and forcing me to feel tons of pain. Not looking forward to that.

I bought a bunch of 2nd hand books and borrowed some from the library to try and tackle this thing properly.

When I have been out of it, I have tried to concentrate on breathing - but still can't feel anything and have also ran my hands under hot water - and not felt anything - so when DBT / mindfulness starts to work - I will realise it because I will feel things

I would love to participate in a DBT thread. I might not be able to help anyone for a while as I am starting my journey but love to be a part of it. Go for it Broken, I am sure lots of us will benefit.

I think my T will be good for me with all of this.

T doesn't know I think I am BPD - all she knows is that I have had early trauma, neglect and have attachment issues - she is aware that my abuse started when I was pre verbal and that I am 'frozen in time' and that I have significant trust, abandonment and rejection issues. She knows I dissociate and have very few memories of my life before 18. She knows about SU and that I feel disconnected from life and do not have close attachments to people - including my children.

So a good T with experience in personality disorders, dissociation and DBT training - will read all those things above and be thinking ????? I think BPD. She hasn't quizzed me on any of the above - she is going really gently - she wants me to skill up before she asks me I think. I tell her I can't let myself feel strong emotions or I do 'bad' things. She has never asked me what bad things I am talking about - I think she is waiting. She doesn't want me to crack.

I just want to get the hard stuff started. I feel that I am in limbo.

She is doing all the right things for a trauma T so far. i think.