Hi TN, I do this a lot too. When it started happening with old P before I realized what it was I would just say I feel really out of my head right now and I think he must have known what was happening. With new P he knows even before I say anything which is very comforting, if I take a while to answer or look away and am feeling that really dazed confused feeling he will ask me what is going on with me right at that moment. I love how he just knows.

The best way for me to communicate when it is happening is just to say I feel really out of my head.

Good luck with this.

This is a good topic! I’ve heard lots of people talk about dissociating but they all seem to take for granted that others know what they mean and I get confused. TN what you’re describing sounds familiar to me in that I get instances where my head goes all fuzzy and it feels as if my head has ‘stretched’ and I am excruciatingly aware of all of me suddenly existing only in the top of my head it’s a very scary feeling. I get it sometimes with T but also quite often in day to day life (usually when I’m alone and have been thinking about my problems and have lost all sense of what I’m supposed to be doing about my problems).

I can’t tell when it’s about to happen I just know it is when I get that ‘voice too loud’ experience and the fuzziness takes over my head. Sort of like feeling dizzy and scared and yes far away from where I physically am. That’s interesting I’m so glad you posted your description because I’ve always thought dissociating was like some kind of out of body experience and involved numbness and absence of feeling and I couldn’t say that that’s what happens with me. But thinking about it yeah there is a sense of being ‘disconnected’ from my physical self and what’s going on around me or maybe more accurate to say it’s like a fog between me and what I normally experience as ‘reality’.

I tend to talk my way through it but without saying anything sensible - and yeah like you I just don’t hear what’s being said to me, or at least the meaning of what’s being said doesn’t make sense. So maybe what I experience is a kind of dissociation after all?

Sometimes it lasts for hours (at home) and I find that focusing on non-me related things gets me out of it - watching tv usually or doing something like cooking or gardening where mind can be more or less in neutral - I guess it’s the reconnecting with something real and non-threatening that does it (for instance I couldn’t read a book in that state because it just reinforces the feeling of being all inside my head).

As for triggers to it - I’ve never been able to pinpoint it but instinctively know that it’s because I’ve been unconsciously touching on fear, something inside that is (probably) very scary - but without any clue as to exactly what, just a general sense that something threatening has swum close to the surface but not quite broken through. At least that’s my guess.

Like Halo when it happens I just say something to T like oh I’ve gone all fuzzy now can’t hear what you’re saying - I don’t think he realizes just how fuzzy I am because he keeps talking and I keep talking and the whole exchange disappears into the ether, I wouldn’t be able to remember what either of us had said.

I’d be really interested to hear how others experience dissociation - as you say it’s a continuum so there must be remarkably differing degrees of it. I just wondered if anyone else finds it really scary?

I have dissociated for as long as I can remember - an escape from difficult situations by doing/thinking certain things until I don't feel present at all. So now I try hard not to, try to stand strong and face the things that make me switch off from reality. Don't let myself drift away to a place where everything feels fuzzy and not connected and easier to deal with. But sometimes I'll be triggered by something - a word, action, situation for example - and I'm gone, sometimes with warning and sometimes not.

The warning for me is an awareness of the world fading around me, becoming unreal and less distinct. I know now from this happenening with my T so many times that I can hear, but mostly can't respond with more than a nod. Arms and legs feel heavy and not belonging to me and simplest of tasks or questions virtually impossible. Truly horrid. At the most extreme I bank out or fall asleep

My T picks up on it mostly quite early, tries to bring me back to the here and now and grounds me. When it's gone to far I'm not aware of what she does but she says she keeps talking to me and reminding me where I am, who she is etc etc She holds my hand and it's a sign for me that when I feel fully 'back' in today, that I can feel that connection. Sometimes it's only for a brief while, other times it can last ages. The falling asleep bit is improving, but from time to time will have a strong memory and wake up in her office having been asleep. That feels very odd, but she is matter of fact about it and she is teaching me to face these difficulies without blanking out to avoid them. I always fear I'll do it when I'm out somewhere. I don't think I ever will -it's only when I'm looking at the worst things in sessions - and I never do that on my own.

So LL

quote:

I just wondered if anyone else finds it really scary?

a very definite 'yes'! But less so now that my T has explained what is happening and why, and that I believe slowly I am learning to deal with these memories in other ways.

starfish

I am so glad I found this site!! The stuff you folks talk about is alot that has been swirling around in my head for years!

I dissociated for most of my life. I guess I learned how to do this by protecting myself from the abuse as a kid. Istill do it from time to time - mostly when I get upset or scared. It has calmed down alot since I have been in therapy and now finally understand what it is.

Most times it just happens. I don't get a warning that I can tell except for the fogginess. I usually feel like I am going to fade out and then poof! I'm gone. Sometimes I can hear and see everything that's going on - kind of like behind glass, but sometimes I can just see and not really be able to say anything - just a blankness inside. I go numb and don't feel anything.

I've tried to stop it many times, most times I can, but there are times when I just go there and don't even know it. Like driving alot of times I will suddenly "wake up" and find myself going in the opposite direction of where I was supposed to be going. Not by a little mind you, but sometimes hours go by.

I have done it in my sessions but my therapist usually calls me back until I answer her. Then we try and discuss what made me go there. It usually has to do with the past, and something that is too scary or emotional for me to actually see or talk about.

Of course there are times when I can just blacken everything out on my own too. Like I used to do that to my family, just blacken them out. They would call me cold and unfeeling because I never showed them the emotions that they wanted to see from me. I wasn't really there so whatever they did or said just kind of disappeared.

smiley

Thank you all for contributing to this discussion. I see that we all have very similar experiences with this type of dissociation. There are times when I really try to fight it and to bring myself back but until the feelings of fear and danger pass, I'm pretty much unable to be present.

Smiley when you describe it as sort of being behind a glass, able to see but not able to talk or that feeling of fogginess... that resonates with me.

And then, too, as LL says... sometimes I can just sit there and nod and talk my way through it but I don't make much sense and I know I sound incoherent or inarticulate but I can't help it. It's like I'm sort of on autopilot and my mouth keeps moving and talking but it is not really engaged with my brain... I'm just saying stuff so that no one will notice that I'm not really there.

Sometimes my T will pick up on it but most times he does not. Maybe I'm just too good at faking being there when I'm gone. I used to consciously use dissociation when I was getting hit to block the pain so I would not give my mom the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I would take myself away from the situation. Now it seems to just happen automatically when I'm fearful or something feels dangerous. Because of what I used to do to avoid crying (showing weakness or vulnerability) it has been very hard to learn how to cry in front of my T. It took me a long time to feel safe enough to do this and still I go through periods when I'm not feeling safe enough to feel anything at all. I just resort to my "reporter mode" of telling him stuff.

Anyway, I will see him on Monday and we need to discuss some way for him to be more aware of when I'm dissociating so we can stop it and ground me so that I can leave my sessions being present and not drive off dizzy, foggy and spacey only to later fall to pieces and need to email or talk to him on the phone.

TN

This is a tricky one for me because I have some of these things but not others, and it all happens on a continuum - for me there's no strong line between when I am dissociated or not. But I know that when I'm feeling lots of stress and pressure I forget things all the time, lose things, get lost very easily, can't follow conversations or books, can't focus on my work, stare into space. Can't connect one thing to another. I had a couple of difficult sessions lately where I was able to stay with what my T was saying, but felt pretty glassy-eyed at the time, and then afterwards just lost time and kind of came to on the wrong train a few stops out. I'm not sure if it's all dissociation, but it is the stuff the dissociation questionnaires ask about, and my T talks about it that way. I think for me a lot of the time it's little mini-disconnects.

BB, that's a lot what it's like for me - just vagueness. I get powerfully sleepy too. It's funny, when I think back to the vague, dreamy, forgetful, accident-prone kids at school now I wonder how many of them were really dissociating.

quote:

It's funny, when I think back to the vague, dreamy, forgetful, accident-prone kids at school now I wonder how many of them were really dissociating.

Jones... it's interesting that you say that because it describes me when I was in school, especially elementary school. I was tagged as being a daydreamer but I think I was in some dissociative state most of the time. I was also called "lazy" by my parents because I wanted to sleep a lot. As I look back now I think it was my way of trying to escape the chaos and abuse of my home life. I have worked very hard to live down the lazy label but it still haunts me whenever I dare to slow down.

TN

quote:

Originally posted by True North:

quote:

It's funny, when I think back to the vague, dreamy, forgetful, accident-prone kids at school now I wonder how many of them were really dissociating.

Jones... it's interesting that you say that because it describes me when I was in school, especially elementary school. I was tagged as being a daydreamer but I think I was in some dissociative state most of the time. I was also called "lazy" by my parents because I wanted to sleep a lot. As I look back now I think it was my way of trying to escape the chaos and abuse of my home life. I have worked very hard to live down the lazy label but it still haunts me whenever I dare to slow down.

TN

Oh this is me, too. Lazy, daydreamer, under-achiever... but always smiling and never disruptive. Maybe if I'd caused trouble someone would have noticed all the pain I was in. The "nice" kids always get ignored.

dragonfly,
I just wanted to say thank you for telling us about the DID. I know that it can be a risk to tell people that and I'm very honored that you choose to let us know. I'm not sure if you're aware but there are other members who are also DID. I hope you find this a safe place to talk about it and be met with understanding. I really enjoy reading your posts and I'd like you to stick around.

AG

Dragonfly,

I feel honoured, too, to hear more of your story. I'm sorry you've been in lots and lots of pain lately. I know you have to do what is comfortable as far as posting goes, but I hope as you get more and more comfortable here it will work out that you can post even when you're in a bad way. I know one other member had a few alters who would post, and I just want you to know that your alters would be welcome here too, if that is what's right for you.

I've been meaning to say to you that dragonflies are my favourite insect. I once read that they are of great interest in the study of aerodynamics, because they have a very 'unsteady' flight pattern, with lots of erratic movement. But the unsteadiness gives them huge versatility in the air, and they can do things that other flyers can't - hover, dart quickly in any direction and so on.

I was thinking about this in relation to dissociation, and what an amazing adaptive behaviour it is. It allows us to survive, to feel, to keep going, keep ourselves whole under extreme circumstances. I am so glad you are in a place where you don't have to be dissociated all the time - I know it can be far from a pleasant thing to have it in your life - but I'm glad that as a survival skill it has got you this far.

(((((((DF)))))))

J

Hi Dragonfly
Bit late I know, only been able to pop in and out here the last week but just wanted to add to the other comments and say thank you too for posting your experiences on dissociation and especially DID.
I still dissociate (a bit too much for my liking) but am relatively ignorant about what DID might be like to live with, so thank you for your openess and explanations. And no,I don't think it matters if any alters were to post here - just getting what needs to be said out is the most important thing - so really no worries there

starfish