WTF are we doing wrong to our babies to cause this?
No animal knows how to treat their young this way, only humans do!

Shame on US Mrs Dragggers, not YOU.

(((DRAGGERS)))

I hope they find peace soon.

's to you Draggers.

quote:

I feel compassion when i hear my tls talking about 'them', but i cannot when i know it is about myself.it has to stay separated until i am ready to accept and i try so so hard to bury everything as deep as i can until i get to that point.i go into complete full blown denial..i am a master of it. Smiler i tell myself that my t is wrong and that ive made it all up, that it didnt really happen, that im biding for my T's attention..oh i try so hard to talk myself out of what i hear.and it works for while.until the flashbacks start and i get the snap shots to, in some way, prove it and their existence.

I exist here too. (((Draggers)))

Draggers.... you are the bravest person I know. I am so sorry you have such pain and horrors to deal with. I think your post was amazingly descriptive and it was courageous of you to share that with us.

I hope and pray that you and your littles find peace and acceptance and that you realize that you are truly loved and accepted and respected by me and those of us here who fully support you.


TN

Much love miss Draggers thinking of you.

Monte, I'm so sad that you deleted what you wrote. It was absolutely beautiful, and although I have not experienced dear Dragger's situation, to me it felt full of a deep truth.

Draggers, I don't know where to start.... I am filled with a kind of very gentle, respectful awe at your presence in the face of what you go through day to day. And you still find ways to love and play and be with us. I'm so sorry for the pain... and I'm so very glad we have you. I feel like I know you better from reading this, and... I salute you.

Wow!! Dearest (((Draggers))) The way you write - wow!! Straight from your heart, open and honest!!! xx You are one truly amazing, brave, inspirational lady who, in spite of your horrifying history, has remained a loving, caring and sharing person!! Such an honour to know you! big s from me and boydog! xx

((((Draggers))))

That was one of the most moving, thought provoking and achingly sad things I have ever read. It still has me in tears as I'm replying to you. As Muff said; shame on us as a species to allow such things to happen to our offspring.

AV.

hugs to you and your little innocent ones
i hope you know how brave you are, you are an inspiration for all of us to keep fighting and never give up.

puppet

s Draggers,

I'm a bit late to your post but just wanted to share some hugs. You write beautifully. I feel like I can understand DID and how it can happen a bit better now. Thanks so much for sharing that with all of us. I am so sorry for the pain that your life started with. But I do understand your point that because of that pain you can now truly know the other side of love and peace.

Jillann

Love and hugs to you Draggers for all your bravery and perseverance and for opening the eyes of others to the confusing and exhausting world of having parts.

You continue to be an amazing help and inspiration



starfishy

Hey Drags,

Such a very powerful and such a very valuable post that describes so well some of the turmoil that happens for you. You really explained it well and you did a great job. I have low level dissociation and I lose time a bit - so i understand a tiny bit of what happens for you - you are incredibly brave and clever for putting it into words as it is really helpful for all of us to read.

somedays

((((Draggers)))))

Draggers - I am in absolute awe of you for writing everything you did. That is courage with a capital "C"!

I cannot begin to image what it's like for you and all your hurt inner parts. I have a hard enough time handling li'l one let alone the other two that have stayed hidden and silent for 35+ years.

I only hope I can muster the same strength you have.

If you'll accept it, I'd really like to send you the gentlest of cyber hugs.



The Kid

(((Draggers))) Thank you for sharing that. I cannot begin to imagine facing that. But what I find even more of a miracle is that you are such a loving, kind, giving person who so consistently reaches out to other's in their pain despite the fact that you are facing these challenges. I am not sure how you manage to have anything left over to give, but am very grateful that you do.



love, AG

Totally agree

happily, wholeheartedly and unconditionally!!!

Wow Draggles, your post was so very powerful.

I don't have DID but do on occasion struggle with shifting self-states that do not think or react in the same way as the Mallard that's usually in the driving seat most of the time. It's not the same in that there is no losing time. I have gotten better at identifying the shift and what will cause it (being in the presence of someone else's highly expressed anger is one trigger). If I am well enough prepared or then I can still step in and soothe the activated part without everything kicking off, or limit the amount of time that part is in control.

I am sorry you struggle with acceptance and denial. It is such a long and difficult road to travel.

can't say much now but we know where you come from draggles and you too yaku - safest and gentlest to you both. you both offer help and insight for those of us still in the early days of our journeys with parts

from all of us pingles x

Big but gentle s to dear yaks/pingles/draggles - holding you in my heart! xxxx

everybody.

((Draggers)) and everyone else struggling to heal with DID. I absolutely meant my words for everyone who deals with this. I think dissociation is a spectrum. I am pretty far along that compared to the general population (I dealt with at least two other ego states during my healing) but not as far over as someone with DID. I can project from my own experiences but I cannot know what it is actually like. Knowing how painful and difficult the struggle has been from my point on the spectrum, I have an immense respect for anyone dealing with this from somewhere further along. Especially as I would imagine that the stigma and lack of understanding is even worse when dealing with DID. I hope that you can find this a safe place to be more open and work to heal. Draggers, I so appreciate you sharing your experience because being able to understand what it is like for you makes it less likely that us singletons will say or do something stupid that makes it harder. You all have enough pain without the people around you adding to it.

to all.

AG

((((Draggers)))) What I did worked immensely to my benefit, because I've had the wonderful experience of being able to know you and be inspired by your courage and compassion.

I have always thought that it is vitally important that people only speak here if they feel safe enough, and from what you are saying that is even more important with DID. So I just want to be clear that there is no pressure to speak on OF, just that we will listen when anyone is ready to speak.

And Draggers, it breaks my heart to hear you say you are ashamed you have DID. It is a highly creative solution to keeping a child safe in utterly impossible situations. How else could you possibly have remained sane experiencing what you did, if you had not been able to share that pain so no one person was carrying it all? DID was something you were forced into by abuse you should never have suffered. Be proud you survived the abuse. The shame belongs to your abusers.

I understand your shame, as I know I carry shame I do not deserve, but it is completely clear to me that you have nothing to be ashamed of. We do what we need to in order to endure, our drive towards life is a strong one. I am sorry that your experience is so fragmented but glad that you are hear to speak of it.

I would fix it if I could Draggers, but since I can't I am very proud to call you my friend. Having a friend like you makes me feel better about the person I am.

much love and respect,

AG

" i am lucky in that i am further along the road than most here in my healing.I feel that i need to give back. things i have gained from being here."

Inspirational, courageous, compassionate, unassuming, Draggers. I shall never forget you.

All those times people said you said or did little things you didn't remember, you just say, "I couldn't have, because I never would say/do/even feel that." You're lucky if most of these are small things like agreeing to go out to eat a type of food you absolutely hate.

You believe it's not true, that you are making it up somehow. That you are just looking for excuses, or for attention. That you are exaggerating stuff that isn't there now, manufacturing a history that never happened. But, who would want to make up such things?

Maybe you start to accept it and or try to. Maybe you think that learning how things were is the way out, so even if you have to fight not to deny it constantly, you push through. You used to get through life just fine, always, or to the best of your recollection, and suddenly now you can't. You begin to realize that if you are in touch with your body, in touch with your feelings, in touch with other "parts" when you can believe they exist, that almost nothing is manageable.

Now a safe acquaintance's benign facial features can suddenly send you into a freeze, because it looks like "him," when on the surface, you can't even believe "he" would have ever done "that." Now cooking and exercising and playing certain games or anything you associated with "him" can bring up body sensations out of nowhere and suddenly you are hearing terrified kids begging for protection. Now, you realize that developmental steps your kids are taking now, you still haven't attained, that you never learned how to have feelings without being drowned by them.

And just when all of that is caving in on you, and you're trying to just survive mimicking a "normal" life, what starts as your child testing your boundaries, and anxiety-fueled ineffective discipline ends up with a bathtub almost cold and overflowing and you have no idea how that could have happened in a couple of minutes. Then it hits you that on top of the mistakes you knew you made, too much discipline, too angry discipline, finally breaking down and crying and apologizing out of sorrow for not knowing how to effectively manage crushing anxiety and the challenges of parenthood, you really have no idea what happened during that time. Of course you would never hurt your child, right? Right? I mean, of course not. But, you don't remember, so how can you know? And she's acting more or less normal, but if all this bad can happen and be dissociated, what's to say she's different?

What kind of hell is this where you have to come to terms with the fact that you will most likely ruin your child's life whether you live or die? That you might either do something you can't imagine (ever had a car accident with your kid in the car and not remember how the hell it happened?) or be so dissociated from anything wounded or vulnerable inside in order to be safe from triggers that you are never really connectable...and then just disappearing would be entirely awful.

It IS shameful. Or rather, I am ashamed constantly. I am ashamed that I ever dared to exist, as if I could help it. I am ashamed that I survived. I am ashamed that I was too "weak" to do it in any other way. I am ashamed I might be "making things up" about people and I am ashamed that I can't believe, accept, and protect little kids who were badly hurt, if I acknowledge they are even related to me. It doesn't feel special, though it may be creative. It's no different than anyone fighting to integrate something that was unsurvivable at some point in time, I don't think. Higher walls and more of them, but it's a universal, human pain and confusion that most walking wounded would understand.

I'm afraid to post, because what will people think? All the things that I think about myself...?

That I am too weak? Pathetic?

That I am lying, exaggerating, making this up, want attention?

That I am a horrible monster for not being able to handle mothering my child without dissociating constantly? That my child is better off without me?

That it would have been better for the world if I hadn't survived any of it?

That I am pathetic for dwelling so negatively on my failings, for continuing to obey rules held by parts whose jobs seem to be still to keep me in line?


I'm so confused. I don't know what happened when I was a kid. I barely remember much before 10 that isn't "in general" stories about what my life or family was like. Many are from other people. My whole early timeline is constructed from what I know from others. After that, there is stuff I feel like I watched. And then, as a late teen, maybe I finally had some ownership.

I'm so confused...there are times I have no idea what happened. Maybe it's not all the time; maybe it's not hours or days. But minutes or hours of obvious gaps when you are responsible for the life of another human being can be terrifying. There are times it feels like someone hands me a list of what has been done or said, because I was hanging out in my own head and everything outside of it is fuzzy. Times I am so sure I will remember a therapy session but realize on getting home that less than 10% of it is recollected. Other times, like watching or listening from another room or far away. Worse than that is the gaps that aren't obvious...when you think you remember all that happened, and find evidence you missed something. Even something as small as getting triggered while disciplining your child (while failing to do it well, while being a bad mom) and you are scared to death that the missing time there means something awful happened. And you're sure it didn't. You so sure. It couldn't have, right? The guilt for what you do remember is bad enough, and kids come out into the front and cry about it, because they know what it's like to have a crazy mom and is that what we are? Probably a normal mom just making normal mistakes...but you don't get to take for granted that you would even know if these are normal, survivable parenting mistakes, because your normal was...so...wrong...that you would even remember if there was more happened than you can bare to think a bout. Who wants to live with that?

And like Draggers said, you share all of this and protectors are going to step in and delete it, or threaten you in other ways until you do it yourself.

When it gets too much...all you can do is say, "Who cares? It doesn't matter." You don't matter. You don't matter, so it doesn't matter it's so hard. Just keep going, because it doesn't matter if you live in hell. Just die already, because it doesn't matter if you are even in this world at all. You never deserved to live anyway, right? Wasn't that the lesson they were all trying to teach you?

I can't stand what I've wrote here. How pathetic it must sound. How despicable. How loathesome. No one deserves my existing near them. But, I can't seem to help it. I keep doing it, existing when I have no right to. And I keep apologizing for it, in different ways. But I can never fix it. I can never fix it. There is no fixing it. Just the same as always, the illusion of choice is just another trap. I have no right to live...but I have no right to die either. Hell.

Sorry, everyone.

Many gentle hugs, ((yaku))

((draggers)) I'm sad that you feel ashamed, but so thankful to know you and your bravery in sharing yourself.

Gentle hugs (((Draggers)) and (((Yaku)))

You both say so very well what this is like or can be like to live with. Neither of you should be sorry for what you have written and shared here. We hear you loud and clear. Some of us have yet to find our voices to express our experiences with DID and are just starting to do that, so for us to hear from those who are willing to share helps more than you can know. Our T and us often discuss the whole stigma thing with DID and how the media does not help and keeps DID hidden, so we can not speak of it or glamorises it as being trendy or keeps all those negative labels going around it. How we each experience this may differ in some respects and may be the same in other ways - but there is one thing that keeps us hidden and that's feeling so alone with this and all that it means and brings. But when we speak up and are heard and understood even just a tiny bit, and we hear others speak - (both of you and others that have helped us Pingles) - that our (Pingles') isolation shrinks just a little bit more; and we get to know that others are there. We may not always have the words but just sometimes there are no words needed and it is that silent acknowledgement of a shared understanding.

From Pingles xxx

's

((Draggers)) ((Yaku)) ((Pingles))

((Draggers)) ((Yaku)) ((Pingles))

I appreciate very much your bravery and strength, as well as being so open in explaining what DID is like. There are many things I do not know, and it means so much to gain a clearer understanding from you. Please know that you have my utmost support. I hope you will always know how much you have nothing to be ashamed of. The only people who deserve shame are the ones who do not accept you with the understanding and respect you deserve.

AH

Thanks for all the support you have all offered. The only way I could leave this up at first was to pretend my post didn't exist. I'm feeling...really confused right now about what is true and what is not. I'm trying not to judge...trying to just let it be...trying kindness to wounded parts of myself.

It's so difficult to have compassion when you feel so unworthy. I'm sorry to all who struggle with such deep shame, DID or otherwise. There isn't a single child on the face of the earth that deserved to be treated in such a way as to implant such deep worthlessness inside.

I wrote a poem and although I had someday hoped to try to publish, and can't do so once I have posted it online, I think maybe it will do more good here than anywhere else...plus it's already been rejected for publication...actually I will start a new thread for it, because I don't want to derail this topic...

((((Draggers))))

So good to see you again.

Amazing, powerful, courageous is what this is! Thank you for sharing this.

(((((Draggsies))))))
You are one of the bravest, most caring, beautiful, big-hearted people I have ever known, and I am so incredibly inspired by your courage, tenacity, honesty, and desire to help others facing structural dissociation and trauma in general. In spite of the horrendous stuff you have been through, you continue to be hopeful and give and give and give, and I am so thankful you are here. Sending giant hugs and love your way,

(((((Yaku))))) Thank you for your amazing, heartfelt sharing and courage to write out your heart here. You, too, are so incredibly caring and giving to all of us here, despite the bitter shame you feel, and I am so grateful for that. I appreciate how you reached out to me when I first came onto the forum. Gentle, caring, loving hugs your way,

s s dear Draggles and (((others))) here who struggle with this diagnosis - you're truly amazing!!! Morgs xxx

Hey Draggie Poo. Big hugs to you. You are awesome.

Draggers...I feel extremely honoured that you would share something so incredibly painful and personal with everyone here. I've had to read your post a few times to fully comprehend everything.

I cannot think of anything more to say that hasn't already been expressed above.

You are truly inspiring.

Sending you and especially your little ones the gentlest of hugs.

The Kid and li'l one