I am in an odd place right now, psychologically. I know that everyone has an inner dialog that speaks to us, both positively and negatively (more often the latter) -- and this voice (or these voices) drive us emotionally. For example, if my inner voice is saying, "You are a loser," chances are, I am going to be feeling pretty bad. Early on in therapy, I learned that the inner dialog has a lot of power and it is through the control and manipulation of the negative voice(es) that we find our inner strength. So, instead of allowing the voice to get away with telling me that I'm a loser, I can question it and bring forward more positive thoughts such as, "I feel disappointed that I could not succeed in this specific experience, but I learned a lot. I am a very hard worker and I will do better the next time." I had a friend that would walk a mile every day repeating, "I am lovable" over and over again because she wanted to replace her negative thoughts with a more powerful, positive expression. The New Age teacher, Louise Hay, even goes so far as to suggest that our inner dialog determines our physical health (if you are interested, read "You Can Heal Your Life") and believes that mantras are as necessary as physical exercise.

Okay, so all or most of this is pretty familiar, no? I want to be very clear here, I understand that this inner voice is MY voice, and I can control it the same way that I can control the movement of my body. Sometimes, an unconscious action, like shaking my knee or tapping my fingers seems a difficult thing to control but these actions can be brought into my conscious awareness through the same determination I apply to changing my inner dialog.

A few months ago, while journaling after a session (and in a pretty mellow state), I began asking myself questions -- just like I was continuing the session in my head. I answered myself as honestly as possible and tried to pursue the apparent loose ends -- successfully, I thought. Then, a new voice complete with an almost automatic ability to type (flawlessly, I might add), asked a question. I was surprised but went with it, letting this new voice ask question after question, and reveal insights that I didn't know existed. I felt comforted when the voice went away, and very confused. Not very long after, I worried that I was cracked. Everyday I'd sort of wait for the voice to appear but she (definitely a she) wouldn't come when called. The thing is, unlike an inner voice, this one said things that I didn't know, or hadn't thought of. It seems to exist independent of me. I printed out our first discussion and took it to my next session and my T said that it was awesome -- and notably did not agree that I was now, certifiably insane. This voice is so on-target, I wondered if I was channeling an outside spirit but this is something I really don't believe in, and frankly, this voice is too familiar with me to be an outsider. I know that the voice is a part of me but she's wise, cautious, compassionate, and practical -- attributes I do not have to any great degree (I am rather silly, flaky, impulsive, and overemotional). Somehow I split off and I'm now finding this part of myself again.

Okay, so here's my problem -- I want to connect! My T brought up a VERY good point regarding this dissociation -- the merging might not be an action, it might be more like, well, "being." This is all very zen and makes sense -- I'm completely down with passive energy -- but this voice and I are still seeing things from very different perspectives (after a recent "angry session", she actually said some very brutally honest things that didn't feel good to hear at all) and I'm not sure how to fall into step. In addition, the voice has been a soothing figure -- lately, she's been better at encouraging me than my T. As lame as this might sound, I sort of want her to say in this role -- an outside "savior" -- because I'm afraid she'll disappear again within the storm of my insides.

I asked the voice how we might merge and she said that it's up to me to let her in. I'm lost -- how does one go about "letting in" a foreign/familiar voice????? Question -- can anyone relate to my insane experience, or has anyone been beyond this point? I'm willing to take in theories as well -- anything for new perspectives.