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Dissociation (**Mild Trigger Warning** Describe my mild experience)

dpbluseedpbluseeMember
I have been trying to confront my primal fear from childhood in therapy. I have been very head on about it, like "let's get this going because I want to deal with it."


*****Description of mild dissociation*****
Yesterday I was in therapy and I was not expecting to be triggered because I was feeling pretty good but I did surface this primal fear and started dissociating. I have known I've done this in the past but this time I was very aware of it because suddenly I went from being completely articulate to not being able to form a sentence and my T was speaking and I was unable to comprehend anything he said. I put my head down and breathed and tried to focus my thoughts on what I was trying to say and slowly I was able to put two sentences together again and my T repeated what he had said to me that I had missed. My fingers got kind of cold and tingly and numb(ish) and I felt so tired like I just wanted to lie down.

After my session I was a bit alarmed as it was so obvious to me what had happened and my T told me I had dissociated. I was also completely physically exhausted and so sad the rest of the day.

*****End trigger warning*****

I am scared that this may get worse and want to know others experiences about how they deal with this and if you are so tired after?

Also, I know I am there to process these feelings but the goal is NOT to dissociate right? It's to stay in the room and try to get through the bad feelings right?

I may call my T today but thought I would get some other advice as well. My T is an expert in trauma and PTSD but I am not sure how strong he is about grounding techniques etc. Of course I haven't specifically asked him this, so I guess I should!

Thanks for your help!
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sdsdMember
Hey DpBluSee

Sounds similar to my experiences. I think the trick for T's is for them to help us be and remain in an optimum arousal level where we don't get triggered and then dissociate - because when we at those extremes - we are not listening and it is non-therapeutic.

I have had sessions where I have gone into the black tunnel and not wanted to come out and then T gets me out and I am calm and listening again and then i go again.

I get INCREDIBLY tired after it - actually during it as well, I have just wanted to close my eyes during an episode and not wake up. All my energy went on staying awake.

When I am getting too triggered in other settings or at home and I am about to do something crazy or I just can't let my brain take in another thought - I literally collapse - lay my head on my desk, lie on the floor or go to bed and I basically go unconscious. When i wake - it might me minutes or hours - I have lost time and very disoriented and usually do not know the day or time. I usually forget entirely what I was doing before I slept.

It is very disorienting and distressing for me.

I figure it is my brain says "stop you are at your limit, enough, you need to rest or you will explode".

Somedays
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi DBS... there are times at the end of a therapy session when I just want to lay down on T's couch and sleep for a week. I am so exhausted. My T tells me that this is a sign of hard work done in the session. Therapy is hard work and makes you tired. So if you feel tired then you know you have really worked in that session.

As for dissociating... I do that frequently, although less now than I used to with this T. We have spent time talking about it and as he got to know me better he was able to spot me as soon as I began to "leave the room" and he would bring me back. He mostly asks me where I have gone and tells me to look at him. That can be difficult but he wants me to SEE that he is safe and there is nothing to fear. I tend to go away when I get scared about an issue we are discussing or if he brings up something I'm not ready for.

I would almost always dissociate when leaving him and I could never remember what we would say those last few minutes. This was troubling because then I was unable to take him with me or hold onto the session until the next time. So we have experimented with our ending routine until we found one that is less scary for me. We talked about it alot and I have been doing better because of that.

My suggestion is to tell T how you feel and then work together to find some grounding techniques that work for you.

Hugs
TN
H harbourMember
I wish that my T had done that for me, asking: Where have you gone?" when I "left the room" or turned numb or whatever happened. I only know that I was not there. I sometimes had the feeling (afterwards when I had got home) that he didn't dare touch a living dead. I have no idea if it was dissociation. But this "leaving myself and the world" became my worst enemy and my my biggest threat. Yet it seems that I collaborated with the enemy and fought my allied, T. I cannot get over that. I feel that I have committed mental suicide. I am glad that I found this place. There are many wise and empathic people who have been or are suffering from bad therapies. My T suddenly stopped working and terminated me giving me one session. He cut off the first 10 minutes because he should "talk to a colleague". We did not talk about the subject, that we were now terminating, nor did we do any evaluation. I was not there with myself. Afterwards when I got home hell broke loose, and I am still there. In Hell.

How will I know if it is dissociation? I have always, as long as I remember, lived with this "leaving myself" or turning numb in certain situations.
B born2writeMember
DBS, my forms of dissociation vary and yes in most instances I feel tired afterwards.

quote:
How will I know if it is dissociation? I have always, as long as I remember, lived with this "leaving myself" or turning numb in certain situations.


Harbour it took me going to therapy to realise I had spent my life dissociating. I knew I "went somewhere" or was disconnected at times and even left my body at other times. I knew what it was to feel numb but I had never put a word to those experiences, and I never thought that word belonged to me. Actually there are many words that I never thought belonged to me.

B2W
H harbourMember
Thanks.

The same here. I didn't realise it until I had been in therapy for years, and I was extremely shocked when I realised it. After a 20 years long therapy I still don't understand it. The only thing I can see is that it serves as protection and defence. I ended the therapy in that life killing state, without realising at all what was going on, until afterwards when it was too late. That is my tragedy. I would give anything to get rid of that life killer. During the therapy I have been alive and felt and expressed terrifying and painful feelings. So it is not that I did not want that. It is a riddle to me. How does one avoid it? Or how does one "wake up" from it while being in it? You can't know that you are "dead" when you are "dead". My experience is that I have no idea at all that I'm gone when I'm gone. And that scares me like hell. Cause that means that I can't rely on myself.
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
Harbour, i don't think we've met. welcome to the cafe and i'm glad you're here. as i'm sure you already know, there are really great and supportive and smart people here, so you've come to the right place.

i also feel as though my whole entire life i've lived in a fog and never really felt as though i had the steering wheel. i'm not sure if that's what you're talking about or not, but that's been my experience. i could write more and perhaps will, but i'm at work now. i just wanted to reach out and let you know i can relate to what you are saying, i think. i must say that with T's encouragement i am meditating on a daily basis and i do believe that has helped quite a lot. do you meditate? if not, it might just help with being present and not lost in your head so much. good luck, and keep posting!
H harbourMember
Thank you very much for your concern.

That is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm never sure if I'm in the fog or not. Even when I try to be aware if I am. In the therapy I think I was in it most of the time. When I was not there was almost always only terror. One of those moments my T said: "Welcome to reality." At the hospital 22 years ago a psychiatrist asked me what I wanted, and I answered that I would like to learn to be at the helm. In the final goodbye hour with my T, after 20 years of therapy, I was "gone". I didn't even know that I was not at the helm. That is what I cannot bear. It doesn't leave me with much hope, does it. I have moments of new hope, but I lose it very easily and quickly again.

I did try to meditate long ago. I find it extremely difficult to concentrate, and I feel uneasy. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I've done yoga regularly for several years. That does me good. I know that meditation is a quite different thing.

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