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3 replies

Dissociation or Avoidance?

metamantramemetamantrameMember
Hi Everyone,

Not sure this post is in the right place, but I wanted to ask for some clarification.

I have disorganized attachment, I suffered childhood abuse and I have PTSD, etc.

Most of the time I run with a whole "I need you I need you" insecure attachment style. It's my total default.

But I can slip into something else. And from reading here, I don't know if that something else is avoidant or dissociated.

The best I can say is that when things get scary enough (because, let's say, I haven't been vigilant, or the situation itself feels unsafe) I go into a different feeling. I feel scared of my wife. I don't want her to come home, or to see me. I don't want to talk about my feelings, I don't want to talk. I find myself, when I feel something like fear, saying "This is none of your business. This has nothing to do with you." I feel like I'm hiding behind a wall that I'm building up between us and it's terrifying when she tries to come towards me.

But she does come towards me. And she's been able to pull me out of it. But pulling me out of it usually means I have to first swim through all of the feelings I've been blocking out - so I have to feel scared, and then sad, and worried, and crying, and and and. And then I'm there, connected to my wife, and feeling much better - more me, more grounded.

What is this? Is it avoidant? Or is it dissociation?

**I should add that I do think I know some dissociation when things feel so overwhelming that I have a feeling of "going underground". Like, just disconnecting from everything, and shutting everything off. But I'm not sure how this connects to what I'm describing above.

Oh, dear. I'm not sure this makes sense.
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I incognitoMember
3M

It makes a great deal of sense to me but I don't know the answer to the question. I wonder if it is dissociation or avoidance. I tend to be harshly self-critical as well which means I add a further layer to the questioning which is that if it is avoidance and I in control of it and choosing to withdraw, feel threatened, hide. I think of dissociation as a process I don't have control over. I also more easily defined episodes of dissociation where I "sink" into myself or "push myself out into a wall or ceiling".

I look forward to what other people think.
catalystcatalystMember
With avoiding there are sort of two camps - fear or dismissing. Fear is bein afraid to express or connect so you avoid it. Dismissing is not thinking another person or relationship has value. It can be a mix too and I may not be distincting them well. So first I think it depends on the type of avoidance and it may be avoidance couples with dissociation but I don't think being afraid of people or not wanting to talk is necessarily dissociative but it may be. So I think attachment and dissociation are two entirely different breeds that can work together but it's hard to say if it's one or another so if I had to guess I'd say its the attachment stuff.
snsnMember
Hey Meta, very interesting thread! I've been experiencing a little of what youre describing to a much lesser degree with someone I love as well, but it seems to blindside me til his reassurances help it subside. When I'm going through this, like today actually, I felt both clingy and avoidant st the same time. Like saying, "i love you, I need you" as I pull away. There are definitely triggers though - have you noticed any in your case?
Like Xoxo said though, maybe it's a personality trait. My T had mentioned emotional dysregulation once too, so... Who knows.

I'm so glad you posted this, and I hope you find your answers.

Blessings,
Starry

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