Jane - I can kind of relate to what you're talking about, because I am experiencing something similar with trying to tell my T about memory stuff, but terror-fueled dissociation blocks me every time I try. I have worked out, I think, that the way I could possibly tell it is to have T ask for the information in little bits. He knows in general what type of stuff it is about and around when it is from, but I cannot share the details at all. For me, I think it would take T asking me to try to share just a little bit. Not to worry about whether the whole thing is shared or how to manage it, but just the beginning. And then, if he could ask me really specific questions that still required just a very small, specific answer, I could begin to share. I don't know if this is true, but when I've tried this "just a bit" technique in the past, it has worked to push through the sort of thing you're describing. I don't know if this helps at all, because I really don't know what the situation is and if it could be broken up into little bits of information like that.

In any event, I'm so sorry that you are going through more pain right now. I wish you only gentle days ahead. ((((hugs)))) to you, Jane.

Thanks yaku

I like what you do with your T and how you ask for what you need. You gave me a good idea. I think I'm going to ask my eq t to help me tell her tomorrow. I also wrote it down, and the idea of taking it in pieces helps. I'll just say it one step at a time...

I hope she doesn't freak...

Thanks yaku

jane

Good luck, Jane. It ended up that T didn't take the (numerous) hints and ask questions like I wanted. So, since I had a long session, I just sat with it and didn't let myself move on to another topic. I tried over and over again to find words that made it safe to describe the images and concepts to him (and he asked questions to clarify). It took a long time to get out a very little bit of information that way, but taking it bit by bit worked. I hope your Eq T can help you, but I bet that either way, if you are patient and gentle with yourself, you can do it! ((((hugs)))) Thinking of you.

Yaku ~ I'm glad you worked through telling your T. It can be SO hard!


I do have good news. I saw my eq T this morning, and I got too nervous to give her what I wrote. Then I tried to ignore it (didn't work). Then I said, "I have something important to tell you."
Tsais, "ok." Then she had very open and ready body language... like just the way she stood was even more gentle and focused than normal.
Then there was a long pause as I stared at my feet, the trees, the sweet little foals I had asked to be with this morning... and finally said, "I'm not sure if I can tell you."
she asked, "is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, I don't think so... just be honest in your response, ok?"
"Ok"
Then I just blurted out the worst part, and couldn't say anything else.
T asked me if I could explain more, and I did.

She moved closer as we talked, and I moved back and forth... and had the littlest youngest foal following me... which kept making me smile inbetween tears and seemed to be pretty dang helpful cute and very grounding comic relief and just a sweet presence in the middle of my pain and fear.

I didn't look much at my T for awhile... until I asked her, "are you ok with me?"
She was.

She said she felt closer to me too. I asked her why. For whatever reason (probably just the way trauma warps my thinking) I though she would feel further away and be further away. Instead she was the opposite.

I asked to go see my favoritw horse at the very end, and we did, and my T just seemed normal, the same as in the past. She is ok with me.

Throught all of it I would start to feel numb and my T would ask what it was telling me... part of what was so hard and what I was numbing out was trying to take in the reality of very hard hurtful horrible stuff happening elsewhere in my life, and the safety and sense of being ok that I felt there with her and the horses. So much good and so much bad. It is hard to sit with all of it - TOGETHER. This led to a really good conversation with my T. It really helped...

Especially when I had to now go deal with the hard stuff this afternoon. But as much as I can, I'm going to hold my T and the horses sweet and accepting safe presence in my heart. And pray I don't let it go.

jane

So proud of you, Jane, and happy your T was able to be close throughout the terror of sharing such hard stuff. Sometimes feeling someone close to you in that experience means more than anything. (((hugs))) and prayers as you continue to face the challenge ahead.